My eyes flutter open as I hear my name called out. I take a deep breath, feeling the weight of his body behind me and can't help but smile. Seth. I've had this dream a couple of times in the past few months but none of them felt as real as this one does. I close my eyes tighter and take a deep inhale, breathing him in. I sigh knowing I'll be fully awake soon and this will be nothing but a dream.
It's always a dream.
"Raegan?" I hear Liam's voice call out. "I see you dipped into the whiskey last night." I hear his footsteps on the tile floor in my kitchen and him put the bottle back into the cabinet where it belongs.
My eyes fly open this time as events from the previous evening start to fill my brain. The conversation we'd had, me crying in his arms afterward. I go to sit up but a heavy arm is holding me in place. Oh fuck. I elbow backwards forcefully causing Seth to grunt.
"What the hell was that for?" He grumbles groggily into the pillow. "These pillows smell just like you." Seth takes a deep inhale. "I was sleeping so good on them."
"Seth," I begin to whisper-shout, "shut the fuck up and get up." I push against him but he just frowns, eyes still closed. "God damn it, Seth. Seriously, you need to GET UP!"
"Why?" He rolls onto his stomach, putting both hands beneath his head. "I'm so fucking tired." That's when Liam calls out my name again and Seth's eyes fly open. "Oh fuck. Is that Liam?"
"Yes!" I look at him panicked. "He's here to pick me up for work."
"Right." He gets up and grabs his clothing because, for some reason, he's just in his boxer-briefs. "I'll hurry."
I don't have to say anything else because he already knows this will look terrible. Although Seth and I didn't sleep together, meaning we didn't have sex with one another, we must've fallen asleep together. I honestly have no recollection of falling asleep at all, especially with him in his underwear. We probably just blacked out from all the drinks at the bar and the whiskey.
I can hear Liam taking the steps that go into the living room and my heart is beating faster than the speed of light. "Get in the bathroom!" Seth immediately jogs into the room without a second glance. I take a quick inventory of the room, making sure there's nothing to give us away before running into the bathroom as well.
"Raegan?" I can hear his footsteps coming into my bedroom. "Princess?"
"I'm- I'm in here." I reach down and slowly lock the door and thank god for that because he tries the handle.
"Are you ready for work? We're going to be late." He tries the handle again. "Raegan," his voice sounds slightly suspicious, "why'd you lock the door? Come on, let me in." The handle jiggles a little bit more.
I take a few steps backwards so I'm not right up against the door. Think Rae. Come on, think. I look over to Seth who is animatedly silent vomiting into the toilet and feeling his forehead while fanning himself.
Right. Say that I'm sick.
"I'm just-" I kneel down next to the toilet and faux vomit into it. "I'm just so sick." I throw in a round of gagging before I make vomit noises again while Seth gives me a thumbs up mouthing the words 'sell it'.
"Oh baby, I'm so sorry. Unlock the door so I can take care of you."
"I-" I make another fake vomit noise "I can't. I don't want you to see me like this." I flush the toilet and let out an exaggerated sigh. "I look like utter hell." Well, this situation will look like utter hell to him if I open that door.
"I'm sure you look fine, love. Now open the door so I can help make you better."
"Honestly Liam, I don't want you to see me like this." In the bathroom. In just a t-shirt. With a shirtless and pantless Seth. No, not like this at all.
He lets out a long sigh. "Fine, have it your way. Do you want me to call Seriphina and tell them you won't be in today?"
"Yes please. Oh and tell Mandie I'm sorry." I let out a couple more gagging noises. "I don't want you to be late, babe. I'll be fine."
"Okay, but I'll be back later to check in on you at lunch. I'll bring you some soup."
"You're the best." And I'm a shitty girlfriend.
"I love you."
"You too, babe." I wait until I hear him walk out and shut the apartment door before I lift my head from the toilet. "Ugh, so gross." Nothing like leaning on a toilet to start your day.
"Yeah, fucking tell me about it." Seth crosses his tattooed arms over his chest as he stares at the door irritatedly.
"What's your problem?" I get up from the floor and go over to the sink to wash my face.
"The fact that you just said you love him." I scrub my face with soap not wanting to look at him. "Do you really love him, Rae?" I scrub harder then wash the suds off. "Rae, tell me you don't love him."
I look up into the mirror meeting Seth's agitated glare. "Why?"
"What do you mean why?" His eyebrows scrunch together in confusion. "So, you do love him? That's what you're saying?"
"I tell him I do. I mean, I think I do." I shrug at him. "He takes care of me, Seth. He loves me." He looks away from me but not before I see the pure hurt all over his face. "What do you want from me?" I turn to face him and lean my back up against the counter. "I have barely seen you or spoken to you in six months and you want me to tell you that I don't have feelings for the guy that's been by my side through all of it? The guy who helped me get my internship." I gesture to the room around me, "helped me find this place. Got me into the school of-" I shut my mouth and shake my head not wanting to reveal the last part. "No, Seth. You don't get to do that. You don't get to show up and mess with my head all over again."
"I'm messing with your head?" He looks back at me, "is that a fucking joke, Rae? If anything you're messing with mine."
I cock an eyebrow at him. "Oh really? I'm showing up at your job almost everyday because I'm fucking your coworker?"
"I told you that-"
"You're fucking her just so you can see me. Yeah, I got that." I shake my head at him. "You're messing with me and her. It's honestly so fucked up, Seth. Can you imagine going to work knowing you're going to have to hear about all the sex your coworker and I are having?" He visibly cringes. "Exactly. I've heard about all those amazing things you do with your tongue and have to pretend I don't know exactly what she's talking about."
"Rae, I didn't even think about that." He runs his hand through his hair, flexing his tattooed muscles as he does so and I fucking hate that he looks so sexy doing it. "I'll stop sleeping with her."
And even though I'd like nothing more then for that to happen I say, "do whatever you want, Seth."
"I just miss you." He walks up to me but I shake my head at him again and look away. "I fucking miss you so much, Rae."
"Seth, please don't do this."
He puts his finger underneath my chin and makes me look up at him. "Tell me you don't miss me too and I'll walk right out the door and never look back. I'll stop sleeping with Chrissy. You won't ever see me again." His features are stern, like he's bracing himself for my words. "tell me right now, Rae. Just tell me and I'll leave."
"I- I-"
"Tell me, Rae."
I look up at him, feeling the traitorous tears well up in my eyes. "I-"
"Just say it."
"I can't." I smack both hands on his chest in frustration. "God damn it, you know I can't, Seth!" I yell out feeling the tears fall down my face. "You know," I sob "you know I can't."
He takes ahold of my angry hands, bringing them down to my sides before wrapping his arms around me. "Shhh, I'm sorry."
I try to push him away initially but end up giving up as he cradles me, whispering how much he's missed me into the top of my hair. Whispering all the sweet nothings I'd longed for him to say months ago. He's holding me and rocking my body how I'd wanted him to the morning he'd left and I'd felt hollower than I'd ever had.
And I'm letting him do it. I'm letting him mend me knowing he's only going to break me again.