Songs:
Jealous/ Broken-Hearted Girl: Beyonce
Boy: Little Mix
Gravity: Chris Brown
Where Did The Feeling Go?: Selena
A.J.'s POV
I stood from my seat after an hour and a half of waiting for, Harry. I blew out the candles I had lit before I began my wait. They had already dwindled into half sticks, wax falling over onto the table. Not that I cared at this point. Nothing mattered anymore. Not the beautiful wood table, not the stupid dinner I had made for him, not him or me, us. It was all crap now. It was nothing.
I left the dining room, I was tired of waiting for, Harry. I still held onto the slightest sliver of hope that he would walk through the door at any moment. I thought of every possible scenario of why he could be late until I finally decided, he wasn't here because he didn't want to be.
I had grabbed the bottle of wine from where it had sat next to me during my wait, not bothering to grab a glass. I made my way to the living room, turning on some music before I plopped myself on the couch. I kicked my heels off while I simultaneously opened the stupid bottle of wine. I didn't know if I was going to drink any yet, but opening it felt good. It felt right.
Once again I was home alone, like every night it seemed like. I spun the bottle in my hands, still contemplating if I should drink it or not. I really wasn't in the mood to drink, but I also had nothing better to do. Finally, after deciding against a drunken night, I set the bottle down on the coffee table. I noticed the picture frame sitting next to it.
Harry was standing behind me, his arms wrapped around my waist and his chin resting on my shoulder. His smile was reaching from ear to ear. Louis had taken it the day we had moved in together in his apartment, which seemed like such a long time ago, now. I ran my fingers over our happy faces, before everything went to shit. Now it just felt like we were college roommates. He came and went as he pleased and I stayed home, hoping that he wouldn't come home too late or too drunk.
I always let it go. I held back my want or need to cry or reproach him on anything. I knew he was still hurting. I knew in the back of my head that he was still grieving the loss.
"You're hurting too," I spoke to the girl in the picture who looked so incredibly happy.
I suddenly felt jealous of her. Jealous of myself. I gripped the frame tightly until my knuckles turned white. I let out a loud scream as a single tear fell onto the glass before I threw it across the room. I heard the glass shatter as it hit the wall before crumbling to the floor in small pieces. I got up from my spot on the couch and headed to the master bathroom in my room. I flickered on the lights, scaring myself as I saw the reflection in the mirror.
Staring back at me was someone I didn't quite recognize. My exterior was flawlessly made up, my makeup was perfect, not even the few tears I had just shed had ruined it and not a single strand of hair was out of place. It was a vast contrast from the real person I was internally. Inside, a girl with crazy hair, smudged makeup and ratty clothes who was slowly going insane was begging to escape.
I quickly removed my makeup, making sure every trace of the red lipstick, Harry loved was gone. I let my hair down, fixing it slightly, letting it fall naturally wherever it pleased before stripping out of the dress I had decided on because I knew it was, Harry's favorite. I heard my phone ring from the nightstand where I had left it charging so no one would interrupt our dinner.
It was a text from, Sammy asking if, Harry and I wanted to go out with her and Niall for an impromptu birthday party for, Chris. They were going to meet up with the rest of our friends at some nightclub. I quickly texted her back, letting her know I would meet them there, leaving out the fact that I was flying solo. I went to my closet, rummaging through the countless dresses hanging, unused and unwanted, really.
I was about to call it quits when I found the perfect dress, It was white, deep 'v' in the front, it gave the illusion of being a wrap dress, a gold, metal belt around the waist and I was sure it would only reach the middle of my thighs. If that. I quickly got dressed before I was able to talk myself out of it, accompanying it with a pair of black heels and a white purse with a gold chain. Hopefully everything matched appropriately. I didn't do much to my makeup, just reapplied it and used a darker shade of lipstick, it was almost purple.
I took one last look at myself in the full length mirror, satisfied with my exterior appearance I shut off all the lights before heading out.
It wasn't until I walked out of the house that I had realized I had given, Pete the day off. There was no point in him being here when I was staying home pretty much all day and had no plans to leaving. I was about to call a taxi, but I thought of a better idea. My motorcycles were in the garage, just sitting there, collecting dust. I hadn't used one since my accident, but they were ready to go, I had just given them all a tune up last week. Perfect timing, I guess.
I ran back inside, rushing upstairs, quickly changing into a pair of jeans, shirt,boots and jacket before grabbing my keys and running back down the stairs into the garage. My only issue now was finding one I wanted to use the most. I mean, I really wanted to use my new Harley I had gotten just before my accident, but I also felt like the others were very neglected.
After a bit of deliberation, I finally settled on my favorite. The Kawasaki Ninja I had gotten myself on my eighteenth birthday.
I pulled back the tarp,walking out of the garage before closing up and mounting the bike. I sped my way out of the damn driveway, not bothering to check if the gates had closed all the way. Once I was riding the bike, I felt something that I hadn't felt in a very long time. Freedom.
It was wonderful and electrifying. Maybe this is what, Harry felt when he was out getting drunk every night. If it was, I wouldn't blame him for not wanting to come home, even I felt like taking off and never coming back. I mean, there was no reason to do so. It wasn't like I had anyone to think about. I had no child to be responsible for, and I definitely had no boyfriend to come home to.
If I was being honest, it wasn't even a home. A house yes, but it was not home. Not anymore. Now, it was just a place I went to when I wasn't at the office, a place that I showered and kept my clothes in. I didn't even eat or sleep there. It was just a place I went to, to make myself even more miserable like the crazy masochistic person that I am.
It was the only place I knew, even if it was for a few minutes, that I would see, Harry. It was pathetic, but it was the truth. He was the only reason I stuck around. Though that reason had dwindled down to practically nothing after last night and now it was just a ghost.
Just as I was about to contemplate my relationship with, Harry any further, I realized I had come up to the club everyone was at. Since it was, as usual, one of, Johnny's clubs, I went around to the private parking area. I hesitantly handed my bike and keys over to the valet before following the familiar bouncer through the back entrance.
I looked around the club for any familiar face, luckily I quickly spotted a rambunctious Chris and Niall with a bunch of our friends in the VIP section. I made my way through the crowded dance floor, trying so hard to not let the drunk people I bumped into bother me.
"Sloan," Niall cheered as I got closer. The pet name he used was now just a sad reminder of my life now, I hated it. But, he didn't know that.
I said hi to everyone I knew, giving, Chris an early birthday hug before I headed over to, Samara who was now joined by her cheery boyfriend. We never told anyone, besides, Odie what we were planning on naming our baby.
"Where's, Harry?" He asked loudly over the loud music.
I shrugged, taking, Sam's drink from her hands and downing it. Unfortunately, it was more fruity and lacked the alcohol I felt I needed.
"You guys didn't fix things last night?" He continued his questions. "He said you guys-"
I ignored the rest of his comment with another shrug, leaving them to go with, Chris and Louis. I felt bad for being rude to, Niall, but I didn't want to hear about, Harry tonight. As far as I was concerned, I was as free as he thought he was. He didn't care about me or my feelings so I was not going to have that consideration for him.
"Hey, baby girl, you made it," Chris loud voice rang in my ear as he leaned down to kiss my cheek.
"Couldn't miss my own brother's birthday party," I yelled back. He nodded happily, clearly he was already a few drinks in. "What are you drinking?" I leaned into, Louis to ask, who had a darker beverage than he usually drank.
He yelled over the music, but I didn't understand him. After the third try, he just handed his glass over. I took a sip, my tongue meeting a much stronger alcohol. I didn't know what it was, but it was exactly what I needed. Without giving it a second thought or caring about finishing, Louis' drink, I downed it as well.
He looked at me skeptically for a second before he grabbed us both a new drink. I gladly accepted it, using all the strength I had to not chug that one too. Even though I was pissed and needed a distraction, I didn't want to get, too wasted. Not, too quickly, anyway.
After a few more drinks, it was safe to say I was a wee bit tipsy. I was actually starting to get annoyed with, Samara who kept trying to tell me to calm down with my drinking. As if she had any room to talk.
All I knew was that I needed to get away from my so called friends before I said or did something I would regret later. It wasn't their fault I was in a crappy mood, they didn't need to get the bad end of my relationship problems with, Harry. I left the VIP area, heading towards the dance floor. I didn't have a dance partner, nor was interested in finding one. I just wanted to be distracted, I don't think that was too much to ask for. Right?
As I was moving along to the second song, I noticed that for the first time in my life, I was doing something fun, without someone forcing me to, or Harry. I was by myself and having fun, actual fun. Maybe it had a bit to do with the alcohol in my system, but that was besides the point.
Just as I came to the realization, I let out a loud laugh that would have been heard if it weren't for the booming music that took over the club. I danced my way back towards the VIP section, accidentally colliding with another body that almost knocked me down, I rubbed my chest, which was the most affected area.
"Excuse you," I loud voice rudely yelled over the music.
"I'm sorry," I called back as politely as I could, keeping myself from saying anything else that some may consider rude.
"A.J.? Is that you?" The voice got closer, sounding more familiar.
I looked up, trying to find out who the hell it was. "Stephen?"
"What are you doing here?" He looked around. "Where's your boyfriend?" He snarled.
I groaned just at the reminder of him. "You know what, just stop." I shook my head, trying to move away from him. Just because I was annoyed with, Harold didn't mean I was going to sit here and listen to him trash talk him. I was still pissed about the fight they had the other day.
I was stopped by a grip on my wrist. "Join me for a dance," he yelled in my ear, turning me around to face him.
I pushed him away, trying to free myself from him, but he had me trapped between him and a wall. His head ducked down, his lips connecting to my neck. I squirmed away, feeling icky and disgusting.
"Get off me," I warned, pushing him further away.
He chuckled darkly, gripping my hips as he pushed them further into the wall. His body was a little too close for my liking, my breathing became pressured and I felt like I was about to have an asthma attack, 'cause that's exactly what I needed right now. I felt his lips moving from my neck, closer to my lips. He was about to go in for a full on kiss when I felt his body being pulled away from me, allowing me to breathe again.
"What the hell?" he yelled, turning around to see who had pulled him away.
Louis stood there, anger all over his face. Great, just fucking great.
"Get your hands off her," Louis warned, stepping between Stephen and I.
Stephen laughed in a mocking way. "How about you let her decide."
He pushed, Louis away, grabbing me by my wrist, again and pulling me to him, my body crashing into his. I pushed away from him, struggling to get free. I was now regretting drinking. Louis wasted no time pulling me back, tucking me behind him.
I gripped, Louis' arm, hoping to get him to stop. "Louis, I'm fine, just let it go, he isn't worth it."
He grunted and huffed in annoyance, grabbing my arm and pulling me away from, Stephen. I didn't hesitate to follow him through the crowds and out the back door.
"What the hell were you thinking?" He yelled, his voice bouncing off the alley walls. "How could you be making out with him when you have a boyfriend, who just happens to be my best mate."
"I wasn't making out with him," I defended myself. "Besides, your, "best mate", is an idiot and doesn't even deserve any consideration at all," I huffed, whispering the last part, hoping he wouldn't hear me, but he did.
"I take it things didn't go so well last night?" His voice quieted down and his demeanor calmed.
"You know what, I'm just gonna go home," I sighed, walking away from him to find the parking garage.
"Aren't you going to call, Pete or someone to pick you up?" He questioned skeptically, following me into the parking garage,
"I came alone," I informed him, trying to remember where it was I was supposed to go.
"How?" His voice turned high pitched.
"Motorcycle," I shrugged.
"Uh, no way I'm letting you get on a bike after you've been drinking," he ran to stand in front of me, blocking my path.
"Louis, I'm fine." I protested, trying to move past him, but he kept blocking my path.
"I'll take you home," he informed me, still standing in front of my path.
"You probably drank more than me."
"Yes, that is true, but I was smart enough to bring a driver," he smiled widely.
"Fine," I groaned, not in the mood to argue with him. Besides, it was probably idiotic to get behind any wheel, even if I only had a few drinks. "But, I don't want to go home," I informed him quietly.
He nodded. "We can grab a greasy pizza and watch a horror film," he chuckled, leading the way to his waiting car.
He instructed his driver to take the motorcycle back to his place and had his security guard drive his car. It was still odd watching them give instructions. Especially, Louis. He was so little and you wouldn't expect him to have any authority, but he did.
The drive to his house was long and tedious. Well, not really, but I was annoyed by all the digs he was taking at me for not being able to handle my liquor. I ended up ignoring him, which prompted him to order the pizza he promised.
As we pulled up to the familiar gates, I wondered what my life would be like if I had never come to London a year ago. It was crazy to think how much had happened since I decided to move out here. Sure, the first five months were kind of boring, but they still counted. I was able to get an entire book done and published in that time.
Since then, I had met the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I had gotten pregnant and lost a baby that I had longed for. And, most importantly, I had made amazing friends, though, Louis was probably the one I was closest to. Probably because he was the one who was closest to, Harry. Or maybe because he is, Louis and has his own charms.
"What's the matter, love?" He questioned as we walked down the familiar halls and into his living room.
I had spent a lot of time here in the past weeks. Since Louis and Chris were collaborating, and I was helping Chris with his new album, we had spent a lot of time together as of late. More than usual. It was actually fun to hang out with the two of them, Louis easily fit in as yet another brother of mine. Which he had no issues wearing the title proudly. And it was fun to spend time with, Alana when he had her.
"Just reflecting," I smiled, weakly.
"Ah, reflecting?" He shook his head, getting a movie on while I plopped on the couch.
Nothing else was said by either one of us while we watched the stupid horror movie. I don't know why I kept watching them if they scared the bugeezus out of me. Louis kept drinks coming, at my request. My buzz was fading and that was slightly pissing me off. By the time the pizza arrived, I was tipsy, again.
"You eat a lot, you know that?" Louis chuckled, tossing his dirty napkin at me.
"I know," I laughed, biting my last bite of pizza. "Don't judge."
"I'm not, I think it's fantastic."
"You better," I groaned, laying back and rubbing my stomach.
"Are you going to leave him?" His tone grew serious.
His question stunned me. Not only because it was unexpected, but because I was actually considering my answer. A few days ago, I would have been pissed that the question was even asked and I would have answered with a quick and definite, no. Today, I was actually considering it, and it scared me to death.
I loved him, I did, but I've had enough. He was my torment now.
"Look, I know you love him, and I love him too, he's like my little brother you know that. But, if you are not happy, you shouldn't stay."
I looked over at him, not believing my ears. "I do love him, I just-"
"He's an asshole, I know."
"He's just grieving, I know that."
"What about you, have you grieved, properly, I mean?" Again, his question took me by surprise. I had a feeling, he already knew the answer to that question. "What he does to you, it isn't fair, you know that right?"
I shook my head, getting up and helping myself to another beer before heading out to his backyard. I knew he was right, and I didn't want to hear it. If, Harry's best friend, out of all people was telling me that I was better off leaving him, I didn't know what to do.
I heard, Louis' feet shuffling behind me, annoying me to no end. This was the second time tonight my buzz was being ruined, a girl can only take so much of this shit.
"Louis, I love him, I do, so much-"
"I know, love," he interrupted. "But, sometimes that isn't enough, maybe you just need a break. Nothing permanent, just time apart, to breathe," he suggested.
"I CAN"T." I yelled, breaking down. "I can't just leave him, I love him," I sobbed, his arms wrapping around me.
"I know, love. I know," He whispered as calmly as he could, rubbing my back gently. "Is it worth your sanity, though?"
"He's what I need to survive, I can't function properly without him," I confirmed out loud for the for the first time out loud.
"But, is it worth your sanity?" He asked again, pulling me away from him, holding me out at arm's length.
I contemplated his question for a second before answering. "No," I whispered with a little crack. "But, I can't do it, I'm not strong enough."
"In the short time that I have known you, I have learned that you are one of the strongest girl's around, you can do whatever the hell you want and you will be fine."
I huffed, taking a deep breath while trying to calm down and stop my crying. "Louis?"
"Yes, Sloan?"
"If I ever did break up with, Harry, would you and I still be friends?"
"Of course. Sloan, you're a fucking genius, stop saying stupid things."
I nodded, happily taking his insult. Out of all the things I wouldn't be able to handle, losing, any of the friends I have gained would be the worst thing about leaving, Harry. Aside from not being with him, of course.
"Can I stay here tonight?" I asked, hesitantly. "I don't want to go home."
He nodded. "I'll get you some of Lottie's clothes, you can stay in the guest room," he smiled.
"Thanks."
I followed him to the guest room, taking the stuff he handed me which included a new toothbrush and a few other toiletries. I closed and locked the door behind him before I changed and got ready for bed. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I instantly felt home sick. This was going to be the worst night of my life, I already knew it.