A/N : Takes place post season 1. For me, writing fanfiction began as a coping mechanism. I used to just read it, but I eventually realized that there wasn't always something to read that hit the exact shit I was going through (at least not in the fandoms I would look in), so I started writing my own, just to help me find some comfort in whatever the fuck I was going through at the time. That's why most of my fanfictions are hurt/comfort and also why most of them are oneshots. Writing is a coping mechanism for me, and having characters I relate to that I can project onto without being labeled as batshit insane has been really helpful for me. Anyways, all this is to say that I am currently dealing with some mental health shit. My RSD has been really bad, people have been really shitty, and despite all the progress I've made away from more self destructive coping mechanisms (not self h*rm or anything like that, but more just emotionally self destructive habits I'm glad to be away from), I still am mentally ill and that much I cannot escape. Arcane is currently my main hyperfixation (if you couldn't tell by the abundance of fics about it), and I am having a breakdown, so... Here we are? I'm not sure why I decided to write all this in a long ass fucking AUTHOR'S NOTE, but I did and hopefully that provides some level of insight into the work of... Me. Almost 300 words worth of just me talking about myself. A bit egotistical, I know. Anyways, onto the fic. As stated at the beginning, this oneshot takes place post season 1. Let's dive in, shall we?
Caitlyn had never really been one to share her emotions.
She couldn't, not in her family. She had an image to uphold, and anything that would hurt her family's image was a no go. She'd always have her little breakdowns and whatnot, but she'd learned pretty early on to bottle that all up, only allowed to cry when she was alone in her room at night. She did this all her life, and she almost never showed true vulnerability... Until Vi
Vi wore her heart on her sleeves. She was strong as all hell, but she also wasn't as terrified of showing her emotions. She honestly couldn't considering how high her anxiety was constantly running, keeping her tense and on high alert. It was so foreign to everything that Caitlyn had grown up around, and it made her start to question if shutting off her emotions from the rest of the world was as wise a decision as she'd been forced to believe. It'd definitely never felt nice... No hand to hold when things were tough. No one to hold her and tell her everything would be okay...
Things had been hard ever since the Council building had been destroyed, and everyone in the board room had been killed. Luckily there were some survivors of the blast (like Viktor and a few guards), so it hadn't been all death, but her mother and best friend were dead now. The Council was gone with it's only remaining faction being the recently retired Heimerdinger, who had moved to the Undercity to live with his new friend Ekko.
She still had her father, who had never been too up in arms about image (at least not in comparison to her mother). She also had Vi, who had returned into her life despite what she had said that night outside the Council building. Oil and water she had said. She'd later apologized for those words and admitted she had only said it out of fear. She told Caitlyn about how she had hurt Jinx a few times when they were younger, and she was terrified of hurting Caitlyn, especially in her short lived venture to take down Silco's corruption.
This openness about her feelings... Well, it scared the topsider, but it was a necessary fear that she needed to work through if she wanted her and Vi to work.
Vi had been down in the Undercity one day, a few weeks post-the incident. She went down there fairly often, though her current residence was up in Piltover with Caitlyn. As nice as Cait's place was, her home was still down in the Undercity. That's where Ekko was. That's where her entire life had been up until she was transported away to Stillwater. So, she visited regularly, just to check up on things and get some food from Jericho. As gross as his cuisine may have seemed to any topsider, nothing would ever top it for her.
She returned with a small to-go box of Jericho's fish and a fresh bruise on her cheek, likely from a fight she had gotten in with someone down in the Undercity. Caitlyn's father greeted her back into the house, and she came in with a small smile, stashing the box in a small bin that had been reserved for just that purpose. After safely stowing away the food, she walked up to Caitlyn's bedroom door. She had her own room- A spare that was still incredibly spacious because it was a fucking mansion- But she still spent most of her time at the place in Caitlyn's room.
She entered to find Caitlyn sitting on the edge of the bed, her muscles wound up more tense than Vi had ever seen from her. The girl was clearly forcing herself not to cry, and the sight was just... Sad to look at. "Cupcake?" Vi said with concern as she cautiously sat next to her girlfriend and wrapped an arm over her back. "Did something happen or..?" the pink haired girl asked carefully.
"No, Vi" Caitlyn replied with a shaky breath, still not just allowing herself to cry despite the fact that she very clearly needed to release her emotions in some capacity. "I am fine" she said in a harsh tone, glaring in Vi's general direction but not actually looking at her. Vi had to bite back a sarcastic comment about how she totally believed her. There was a time and a place for her... Specific sense of humor, and there and then was neither of those things.
"Why are you..." Vi took a deep breath, choosing her words carefully. "You know you don't have to worry about whatever you think will happen if you just- Like- Cry, right?" she asked rhetorically, hoping her words held some comfort for the topsider. "It's not really good for you to bottle up your emotions all the fuckin' time, and it sure as all hell doesn't make you weak or anything. Anyone would be completely ass-fucked in the head considering everything that we've been through"
"I'm just so tired, Vi"
Caitlyn's voice broke as she said that and she caved in on herself, finally just allowing herself to cry. Vi allowed the blue haired girl to curl up against her, and whispered quiet reassurances as she cried and shook in her arms. "It's okay" Vi said quietly. "It's okay to cry. You don't have to be strong all of the time, and this doesn't make you weak- Or a burden, or whatever you think this is gonna- What this comes across as"
The topsider just nodded as she cried more, occasionally taking sharp, choked gasps of air. Vi kept telling her quiet words of comfort, mentally noting that her girlfriend was in way more pain than she had realized. She tried not to beat herself up about it. Sure, maybe if she had paid more attention to the woman's body language or something then she would have seen the cracks in the mask she held up, but she also knew it was unrealistic to figure out everything a person was thinking and feeling all based off of tiny hints. Either way, it didn't matter. It was in the past anyways, so all she could do now was try and help the shaking girl.
Caitlyn kept punching at her chest, but she didn't care. It didn't hurt (her pain tolerance had needed to be high from a young age to survive the Undercity, so it would take a lot more than some weak punches to get her in any real pain) and she just wanted Caitlyn to be able to experience whatever she was feeling without any sort of restraints. The girl had been (metaphorically) restrained all her life when it came to her emotions, so Vi opted to not intervene unless she started to hurt herself. Thankfully, she didn't.
Eventually, the topsider lost her energy, physical exhaustion taking her over and replacing her high running emotions with a numbness. Depression.
"I'm sorry" she muttered, still curled up against her girlfriend even though she was no longer crying. "Do not apologize" Vi replied, stern enough to drive home the fact that she meant it while soft enough to not make Caitlyn think she was mad at her. "It's not healthy to bottle up so many emotions like that. I'm just glad that you finally let yourself feel it, even though it wasn't particularly pleasant"
"You know..." Caitlyn uncurled herself from the pink haired woman and sat up next to her, wiping the remaining tears away from her face. Her voice was flat, and her eyes were glazed over. It was almost more worrying to watch than the breakdown had been. "I haven't had an outburst like that in front of anyone since I was... Maybe four years old" she said with a chuckle, as though that wasn't a super worrying piece of information to just drop casually.
"In our family, big bursts of emotion like that were a big no" she explained in response to Vi's horrified expression. "It was... Bad for the Kiramman image to be upset in front of people, and my mother didn't want me thinking that it would be okay to just freak out during a speech or something, so she told me to hide my emotions. That negative emotions were private things that I could only show in the privacy of my own room"
"Cupcake, that's..." Vi placed a hand on her shoulder. "You know that's not true, right? It's not- That's not good for you" Caitlyn gave a weak smile. "I am learning that now, yes" she replied. "Thanks to you" she added. Vi still seemed incredibly worried for her girlfriend, but she returned a small smile that was only broken once Caitlyn's broke. "I'm tired" she said quietly. Vi nodded, helping her to lie down on the bed.
"I love you" Vi said quietly as she lied next to her girlfriend. That got her a small, genuine smile. "I love you too, idiot"