Beyonce POV
2005 was a year I couldn't wait to get behind. From Jay's nephew passing, to our constant arguments about kids, to Kelly and her foolish ways. All of it was enough to break anyone down.
2006 is finally here and it wasn't giving me the smooth transition I was expecting so much. I was still promoting my new movie Dream Girls and dealing with all the whip lash from these ungoing beefs being fed to the media. From Jennifer Hudson and I, to the pending split of DC3. To be honest with myself I am not to sure if I would be able to pull through half of this year.
Jay and I our simply that Jay and I. We've been trying to balance us out and I loved his persistance but honestly, our relationship was becoming extra stress. I sat on the bench in the park of Houston. My dad was in LA with Kelly sorting out her next move while I agreed to fly back home for some down home time.
Placing my cellphone on the bench I untied the plastic bag that held my food I just purchased from the Breakfast Klub. Opening my sealed plate my face lit up as I inhaled the sweet smile of deep fried chicken, seasoned fries and freshly baked buttered bread.
This was much better that anything right now. Since DC3 was about to hit the road soon, my new movie The Pink Panther and a pending hit song for the movie was above my head and I was determine to find anything to ease my mind. As I unwrapped my fork I placed a mouth full of fries in my mouth letting the taste invade my tongue.
"Hmmmm...." I moaned in pleasure as the amazing sensation of hot southern food melted on my tongue.
As I ate enjoying every bite, I watched the children play around in the park as their mothers watched them carefully. It was a beautiful sight to behold but in all my honesty, I just wasn't ready for it. I lowered my head into my plate digging at the crispy chicken as a shadow came above my head.
As I raised my head a familiar masculine voice echoed smoothly at me.
"Ah yo ma' can I pay your bills, bills, bills, bills?" It voiced followed by a loud chuckle.
Holding my chest tightly, I tried to swallow quickly as I erupted in laughter. This corny line had now went global.
"You are such an ass. I swear you'rr full of shit." I said laughing as I spoke.
"Whats up sis?" Slim said wrapping his hands around me.
"Nothing much, just enjoying my favorite hobby." I said pointing to my plate.
"I can see. Your hobby is surely causing you alot of weight too."
"Oh shut it. I have to take in all this food that I can because you no, Hollywood doesn't approve of my southern figure."
"Fuck Hollywood Bey. Niggas approve of it. Shit. Ain't nobody wanna be holding just breast all night while fucking."
"I wish it was that easy, but I am trying to avoid extra rumors and scandals that could possible be attached my name."
"Its just January and you already dealing with that shit?" He asked annoyed.
"I know. Sadly, rumors and the media doesn't care what month it is, who it is or the state of your life. So I can just fuck it and move on."
"Wow. I heard about all the stuff going on with you and Kelly. How you feeling?"
A small paused invaded our conversation as I thought about everyhing for a moment.
"To be honest, I am numb to the situation. I'm just trying to keep myself stress-free."
"You better not carry all that burden by yourself Bey. You still too young for it."
"I know but what can I do. I asked for this life and this is what I get."
"What about HOV? Did you talk to him about it?"
"Nope. I am trying to keep one of us alive and worried free. If both of us stressed out then we are no use to eachother."
"Well thats right."
I finished of my food, closing my plate pushing it away from me as Slim and I spoke about everything from music, relationships, politics, fame, money, family and a possible feature together.
I sat down in front of my mother as she carefully tried to untangle my hair. Since Dad was away, Solange was in NYC & Kelly and Michelle were in LA that left me plenty of time to spend with mummy.
"Whats been bothering you lately Bey?" My mother said running the comb gently through my hair.
"Nothing much, just everything and then nothing."
"Hmmmm.... I guess relationships and a music career isn't all its cut out to be uh?" She said concernly.
How did she know? It wasn't a secret that the pending split was something I wasn't in full agreement with but I tried my best to place a saving face for the public.
"Mama its getting hard. Everything is getting hard. Jay and I's relationship, well I don't know if I want to deal with it as much anymore. Its just extra stress and this group is what I need to focus on."
"Beyonce? You better not go there. You wanna through away a relationship with someone you fell head over heels with for a music career. Hunni, when all these lights already turned off, all the loud scream already die down and the music stops what are going to do. I won't be here forever, I have a marriage. Solange has a family, Kelly & Michelle are coming into their own. This group is the last thing thats on their mind. They want happiness after all is done. People will remember your name wither you do good or bad but your achievements means nothing if at the end of the day you can't have someone to share it with honey."
"Mama, I am young. I don't need a happily ever after now."
"Bey, hunni, in the next 5 years from now, the only men that would come to you are the ones who want you but won't appericate you. You can't just think that love, true love is gonna happen just when you want it to. True love takes time honey. What you have is true love, that man worships the ground you walk on, the air surrounding you. Why would you throw that all away?"
"Mama, time is something I want but I don't have. JayZ is already ahead of me. He wants kids and marriage, thats not what I am ready for."
"It will happen, not now but you have to consider Bey. That man is finally at peace with his life. You know what he went through, he's suffered enough, he just want it now because he probably feels it might slip through his fingers and never come back."
"But Mama I never even gave him that type of feeling."
"You sure? You can't expect him to understand something when your just talking about it to me. I'm not the one that needs to hear it. He is baby girl."
The room grew silent as my mama continued with my hair. Even though her words were true and strong it wasn't enough to convince me. I need to place my life in order and fast; and what is more important at this moment is the group.
I finally landed in LA after two days and was enjoying the warm sun that married my body. Slipping on a short jeans, a tank top & slippers I hopped in my SUV and headed to the studio. Today I was secretly meeting with Rodney and Kevin to discuss a 2nd album. If one thing I thanked Jay for was all his warnings. Before I got into anything I thought about, he had already layed out the foundation for me.
I walked in the building of Sony Music office and made a quick run past the lusting guys and wondering eyes of a few married men. I wasn't in the mood of being a snapping turtle or else I would off called out the disgusting actions been thrown my way and the 0% chance all of them had to even score a sensible conversation with me.
Gliding up the elevator, I walked down the cold hallway into Studio 25. Rattling on the door, I poked my head in as a smile danced across my face.
"Bey Bey!" Rodney said spinning around in his chair and launching towards me.
"Hi Bro." I said through my smile.
"How you been? I know what you been doing by you suffocating ass tho'!"
"What?" I yelled in utter shocked.
"Beyonce, your ass screams fried chicken." He said laughing.
Honestly, I didn't find it funny. I had full hips and it was hard either way to keep it down and to have a qualified size that would meet Hollywood's requirements.
"Its that big?"
"Its twice the size." He said demonstrating with his hands.
"Stop watching my ass before I tell Jay."
"Hmmmm... Jay uh? Speaking of him, are the rumors true?" He said focusing away from my face as I sat up in the studio couch.
He probably just gave me some information that I too didn't no about. Lately, the only thing I was aware about was the constant beef between Jay and Dame and a pending album for HOV. With regards of he and I, some news outlet was trying to run a story about us splitting but was shut down when Jay was caught singing along to one of my songs.
"What rumor?" I asked concernly.
"You no, about you and him?"
"Me and him what?"
"Well, word is that he wants to wife you but you not feeling him anymore."
"What?" I asked upsettingly.
"Well people been saying, that you played him, that you was in love with him and then your dad convinced you to leave him. People believe that you broke his heart."
"Rodney thats no true." I voiced defensively.
"Well Bey, so why? Why you still have him waiting? I mean I know you will never tell me but there has to be a reason."
I took a long pause trying to come up with a vague yet convincing reason that will be bought easily but that was still true.
"I'm still young Rodney. I have a whole career ahead of me. I don't need to be tied down."
"Beyonce come on, its not like you will be giving up music. All you need to do is find a balance. Having a kid and being a wife doesn't stop your dreams, if anything enhances it and make those dreams worth while. You just have to find out how."
I listened to Rodney's words in my ears and as much as I hated it, they were pretty meaningful, they would be useful someday just not today.
Its been a week since I was LA, I have been shopping around with a few writers for a few songs secretly and it was going pretty good. Two more weeks was left and DC3 would be finishing their final leg of the tour. I sat in the middle of my bed in Bel-Air hotel scanning the rings Jay gave me last year for my birthday.
I guess mama was right. After all is said and done I was still lonely and everyone around me was doing there own thing. I felt like a complete idiot now. For the past week or so Jay has been trying to get me over to NYC but I have been running circles around him. I know he was disappointed and would never just come out a bluntly tell me how he feels but I knew I hurt him pretty badly.
Everyone I had called from family to friends were busy doing their own thing and just didn't have time for me. Messaging my body guard, I told him to be ready in 2 hours for travel because the only thing that would make this feeling go away is the feeling I was trying to avoid.
I gazed out the window taking in the amazing feeling of the bright lights that over casted the tall buildings in NYC. The excitement that came over me was above my head. Everything felt so new to me. Seeing the amazing stores, resturants and side walks made me realize just how much I missed Jay. Me running from him, might have broken his heart but it made me feel like a damn fool at the moment.
The SUV pulled up in front of my apartment as I stepped out and headed upstairs. Carrying my suitcase, handbag and food I quickly rushed upstairs. Unlocking my door, I turned on the lights, scanning my apartment admiring the feeling of privacy.
Checking each room, I settled into my bedroom, throwing my travelling clothes on my bed, I slipped into a large over-size T Shirt that secured the scent of JayZ. I inhaled the smell that once held me and excited me. Tears fell down my cheeks as I realize how foolish I acted towards him.
Picking up my phone, I headed to the kitchen. Placing the champagne in the refridgetor, I warmed up the bowl of fried chicken and pasta. Attempting to shoot Jay a text, I was interrupted by a rattling in the door.
●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●
Do forgive me for updating so late. I didn't know the Nokia Phone Windows 8 didn't have the wattpad app in their store so I had to retrieve a samsung to get the app. I am humbly sorry for making you guys wait but I do appericate your support.