falling in love with a gang leader

chapter 75 (colby's pov)

katrina: "she's still sleeping; last night was a rough night for her." she says quietly when she opens the door to her apartment. i frown and walk inside, sitting on the couch while katrina wandered into the kitchen.
colby: "rough? how so?" i mused, wondering if emma is okay. my poor baby...
katrina: "well," she sighs, sitting next to me with a mug of steaming liquid in her hands, "lots of tears... and i mean a lot. it's not really my place to say, but to sum it all up," she hesitates, preparing herself, "she's beating herself up over this whole thing. i, personally, feel that she feels hatred for herself because of all the guilt, but she argues that that isn't true."
colby: "guilt? over what?" i ask, suddenly concerned and all ears into the conversation. is she still upset over her not knowing if i actually forgive her?
katrina: "more like who then what," she pauses, hesitating once more, "i think she feels guilty over the way she left brennen. and i know that's not what you want to hear, but that's what i think. she may not feel anything for him, but emma feels guilt over the smallest things... and on top of her parents' death, she doesn't know how to take it all in; and to be honest with you, i wouldn't know, either." she says, my face drooping in the emotion of jealousy. no, no, no... she can't still feel anything for him. i physically cannot handle the thought of her still having something for him. it just doesn't sit right with me... at all. without a word, i walk into emma's bedroom, ignoring katrina who's calling my name and begging me not to say anything. when i walk into emma's bedroom, she's passed out asleep in her bed and her comforter is practically on the floor. i walk over to her and cover her up, admiring the pure beauty in her flawless sleeping figure. she looks innocent, but everyone that knows her knows that she is not innocent. i looked back down at her when she whimpered and adjusted herself, her half naked behind now in my clear view when she kicks the covers back off of her. unwanted thoughts about her and brennen running through my mind, i wander over to the opposite side of her bed and lay down, being extra careful not to wake her. she whimpers once more when she stretches to life, making me smile just as she props herself up on her elbows and runs her hands through her hair roughly. so much for not waking her up, huh?
emma: "morning, baby." she yawns, scrubbing her face before she awkwardly looks up at me. she squints her eyes at the bright sun that shines through her windows, causing her head to fall back down onto the pillow. damnit, i missed hearing her raspy morning voice.
colby: "morning, gorgeous." i smile, scooting closer to her. i lean in to kiss her and she moves her head away, making me lean back in confusion. uhm?
emma: "i just woke up; i promise you that you don't want to kiss me right now." she says groggily, chuckling when she looks back up at me. i laugh in relief that it wasn't anything i did wrong to make her move away from me and shake my head, holding her head between my hands before kissing her anyways. is that alcohol?
colby: "have you been drinking?" i ask inquisitively, tasting the sour liquor on her lips.
emma: "last night, yes. but i didn't have a lot." she says, gracefully jumping to her feet and looking down at me. say something, colby... you need answers.
colby: "so, katrina told me about last night." i said after a beat, walking into the bathroom after her. don't be too harsh, though...
emma: "oh, god," she rolls her eyes as she leans down to the sink, "what'd she say?" why do you sound so angry, baby?
colby: "she says that she thinks you still have feelings for brennen." i said sourly, my tone harsher than i anticipated. geez, colby. spitting out the toothpaste from her mouth, she looks up at me with wide eyes and shakes her head, her cheeks suddenly going pale.
emma: "and you believe her?" she asks, disagreement evident in her tone.
colby: "i mean, no, but the thought hasn't completely exited stage left." i play with my fingers, unwanted scenarios zooming through my mind with racing anxiety and insecurities backing them up. she stands up straight and wipes off her freshly washed face, looking over at me with droopy eyes. i notice that her eyes are puffy and small, but quickly focused on her words when she spoke so sadly it made me want to burst out into tears.
emma: "no, no... colby, no," she said softly, "no," her voice is small and sad, "i don't want brennen, i want you. i don't care about him like i care about you." are you kidding me? did you hear yourself?
colby: "so, you're saying you do care about him?" i said in shock, my voice much louder than hers. her face lit up in realization, quickly correcting herself.
emma: "what? no. i told you this last night before i left, colby. you are the only person i want in my life. are you seriously going to believe katrina? it's her opinion for a reason." she says sharply, no longer sounding sad and vulnerable.
colby: "you may have said it, but katrina makes it sound like you were crying and screaming all because of him; because of how guilty you felt over him." i was now a little angry, my thoughts completely corrupting me.
emma: "well, she's wrong. i can't believe you're actually thinking about taking her side right now. i'm not even awake, colby. i can't do this in this very moment." she says in frustration, pushing past me.
colby: "do what? save yourself by trying to convince me that you don't feel anything for him? you can't defend yourself over this?" i suddenly shout, making her jerk around to me and stop in her tracks, the blue fire in her eyes bigger than they probably ever have been.
emma: "are you hearing yourself right now?" she pauses, her tone harsh and now angry, "i don't feel anything for him! yes, him and i had sex and yes, we practically dated, but that was before i saw you for the first time in a year! when i saw you, everything changed! when i found out he murdered my parents, everything changed!" she shouts back, making my jaw drop.
colby: "of course, i'm hearing myself! if i wasn't, i wouldn't be here asking you anything!"
emma: "you're not asking, colby! you're assuming! and as far as "defending myself", it's not that i don't want to fix this! it's that i don't want to argue! if you have your doubts, that's fine; but let me explain myself before you scream at me for bullshit that has nothing to do with you!"
colby: "nothing to do with me? really? i am your boyfriend, emma! it has everything to do with me! i don't want you thinking about another man while being with me!"
emma: "oh, please! you act like i want to think about him! the only reason i see him in my head every day, is because he murdered my fucking parents!" she sobs, tears suddenly reaching the surface, "i don't like remembering it, but i don't have a choice! if you don't like it, then leave! go! if you can't handle the fact that i am more damaged than a shattered mirror that can't be glued back together, then go! i have tried everything to prove to you that i only love you and i thought i had finally gotten through to you! i had finally started to forgive myself after a lot of thinking last night, and now here we are! arguing over a guy that ruined my life and my relationship because you think i think about him the way i think about you! but, i guess i was wrong! just go! please!" she holds her head in her hands and slides down the wall, breaking down in pure fear and anxiety while she grabs her hair aggressively to try and relieve some pain. i race towards her and kneel down in front of her, suddenly worried and angry at myself for bringing this upon her. you had one job, colby!
emma: "i'm not okay, colby. i'm not and i don't know what to do." she says after a beat, her voice so brittle and broken that i could barely make out what she was saying.
colby: "come here." i say quietly, opening my arms out to her. she leans into me and hugs me tight, crying so loudly that her sobs and whimpers came out as whispers. i hold her tight and sway her back and forth, feeling my chest tighten at not only how audibly broken she is, but angry at myself for making her sob the way she's sobbing. i had absolutely no reason to be as harsh as i was towards her. absolutely no reason at all.
emma: "please don't leave like i said to. i didn't mean it and i promise you with everything in me that i—"
colby: "shh, shh... i'm not leaving, baby. never planned on it and never will. i'm sorry for being so harsh; it wasn't really my place." i mutter, holding my hand on the back of her head, trying my best to calm her down.
emma: "don't be sorry, i probably deserved it." she cried, raising her head up off of my shoulder and gazing at me.
colby: "don't say that, emma. i—" she shook her head, speaking over me.
emma: "i don't understand how you can even look at me right now. not only do you think i have feelings for someone else besides you, but look at me. i'm a mess, colby. a sad, dopey, can't stop crying no matter how hard i try of a mess. maybe you should walk through that door. walk away, pretend i never caused you any pain, pretend that we had never even met to make things easier... because god and everyone that knows me, knows that i don't deserve you. i've done some fucked up shit to you, colby. i walked away from you for a year without a phone call or a location. the only thing i told you was that i was going on vacation without clothes; which makes absolutely no sense at all, but that doesn't matter." she says, my heart dropping at the words of me walking away from her. i scoot a little closer towards her and cradle her head in my hands, forcing her to look up at me with those beady and puffy red eyes of hers. i gaze at her deeply, shaking my head while my heart sinks lower than a body in a grave.
colby: "emma, that's the only thing you've done to me. you have not done anything else to me besides that. and if you think for even a second that i will walk through that door and leave you sitting here like this while we just pretend we didn't know each other because you think it'll make things easer... you're wrong. and you may think that i won't leave just because we're together, but little do you know it's because i physically cannot live without being near you most times of the day or night. i care about you too much to just drop what we have and walk away to pretend like what we have never existed. not only that, but you. i can't pretend like i don't know you because all i ever think about is you. every second of the day; when i'm in the shower, when i'm going to sleep, when i'm on a job, when i'm talking with people that control where my next job is, when i am physically walking next to you or laying with you, you are all i ever think about. hell, even when i'm eating ice cream, all i can think about is how big your smile gets when i tease you for getting ice cream on your nose when we eat it together," i take in a soft breath, watching emma melt in front of my eyes, "we are not splitting up and we are not taking a break from each other anytime soon. from here on out, no more talk of brennen, no more talk of not being good enough for one another, no more putting our relationship at risk, and no more walking away. no more. you can't lose me and i can't lose you. the only time i will be willing to walk away, is with you when we go off to some expensive island for our honeymoon after i achieve my goal of finally putting a ring on your finger to officially make you mine. that's the only exception. and if i wasn't clear enough," i whisper gruffly, now holding her hands in mine as she drags her eyes up to meet mine, "i love you. forever and always."
emma: "and i love you... to infinity and beyond." she mocks buzz lightyear i the deepest voice she can possibly fake as she punches her fist in the air non-aggressively. i laugh when she does, watching her playful smile fade to a more sincere smile. i lift her head up to meet mine and i kiss her passionately, feeling her release her grip in my hands and lightly run her fingers down my torso. scooting closer to her, she is now flush against the wall as our lips mold and move with passionate fire and pure power. goddamn, i love this woman.