falling in love with a gang leader

chapter 38

i turned away from colby and walked back into the living room where sam and katrina were. seeing colby just made my heart hurt. he told me to kill myself and i somehow will still take him back if he came running back to me. he had apologized when i went to give him the key to my place, but i wasn't going to forgive him just yet. and he went and got help? just like that... he decided last minute that he needed help? i can't blame him for actually trying, though... stephan didn't try. he just beat me until he was sober. those days were so dark... and when i met colby, those dark days were forgotten. and especially at the mall when stephan confronted me, that was when i knew that colby was the one for me. and i now realize that it wasn't him who was talking during the past couple days... it was the alcohol. colby isn't that person... well, at least i don't think so. is he really sorry? i mean, if he went to rehab then he must be... right?
kat: "hello? emma? are you there?" she waved her hand in front of my face, dragging me out of my reverie. i jerked my head to her and awaited her response.
kat: "you okay, babe?" she asked, concerned.
emma: "yeah, i think so." i nodded slightly. no, i'm not okay.
sam: "how are you feeling?" he asked sadly.
emma: "like shit, but it'll hopefully be over soon."
hopefully...
kat: "you're the strongest person i know. you got this." she smiled sadly. i smiled back weakly in response and was caught off guard when colby walked downstairs a few seconds later, holding the bag of alcohol bottles. i am proud of him for getting the help he needs... but he's not the same.
colby: "can i come back tomorrow?" he asked sarcastically, glancing from sam to katrina, but not at me. why won't you look at me. look at me, bubba.
sam: "if you're not going to be an asshole, then yes." he rolled his eyes. did he ruin his friendship with sam, too?
colby: "see you tomorrow then." he glanced at me quickly, his face softening. i caught his gaze and took in a sharp breath when that sparkle in his eyes didn't sparkle the way that they used to when we first met.
colby: "emma, i..." he sighed, words failing him.
emma: "you don't have to say anything, colby." i said quietly, not knowing how else to respond.
colby: "but i do. i am so terribly sorry, emma. i fucked up and i know i did but please..." he paused, tears sitting on the edge of his throat as he gulped, "please give me time to fix this. i promise i will... for you..." he was nearly crying when he finished. i felt my heart shatter into pieces. of course i'll wait for you. i wanted to run into his arms and go away with him... but i had to resist. i wouldn't give in that easy... i just wouldn't. i looked up from my fingers and saw him walking towards the door. i desperately wanted to stop him and tell him that i still love him, but again, i refrain. he opened the door and glanced at me one last time with the saddest blue eyes i've ever seen. that broke me. that was it. i wiped the stray tear that rolled down my cheek and saw colby do the same before walking out.
sam: "go ahead and get some sleep, em. you need to rest and it's already eight o'clock." he said gently. well, shit. it was twelve o'clock noon three minutes ago. i said nothing and walked up to colby's room. i didn't have any clothes to change into, so i just hopped in his bed and laid down on my side. laying in his bed reminded me of so much. him being the complete idiot that made me laugh so much, him being all lovey dovey and clingy when i wanted to be left alone... him always making me feel better when no one else could. he's changed... he's rude and angry and it's not okay. i miss the old him... the soft him. i shook my thoughts away before i cried even more and i finally closed my eyes, feeling relaxed as i smelt colby's scent on his comforter. when i opened my eyes, the sun was shining proudly through the window and the bedroom door that was opening had caught my eye. i scrubbed my face and looked up, frowning at who i saw standing in the doorway. fuck, i miss him already. i wiped my eyes once more and stood up. colby scanned my body and frowned, turning his attention back up to my face that was swollen from tears. i look like such a mess right now that this is probably the ugliest i've ever looked... ever.
colby: "emma, you could've wore my clothes to bed..." he said sadly.
emma: "only couples do that." i retorted sadly, averting my attention away from him so that i didn't cry. out of my peripheral, i saw colby clench his chest... right over his heart. i felt another pang of heartbreak pierce right through me.
colby: "emma..."
emma: "yeah?" instinctively, i met his gaze.
colby: "i'm working on it, okay? i love you..." he stared at me deeply. goddamnit, i love him, too.
emma: "do you?" i sighed. his eyes were radiating sadness.
colby: "i do. more than you could ever even imagine..." he paused, "just please don't move on? i'll get better, i promise." he begged, his eyes wide and beady. those eyes...
emma: "i'll be waiting." i spoke quietly, almost whispering. i really didn't know what i was getting myself into. before anything else could be said, i walked downstairs, finding sam and katrina in the kitchen. while we talked, we were interrupted by everyone who occupied the bunker walking downstairs.
sam: "i made breakfast. who wants some?"
everybody murmured "me" sleepily and we all sat at the table.
kat: "emma, are you hungry?"
emma: "no, i'm just going to sit with you guys."
sam: "you haven't eaten in a few days, em. please eat?" christ.
emma: "don't do that, sam." i warned and shook my head slightly. he nodded and backed off, sitting down next to katrina at the table.
elton: "so, emma, how do you feel? are you feeling okay?"
emma: "i feel like i've been run over by a freight train and then after that, got kicked by a horse. how are you feeling?" i responded. he frowned and ignored my question, glancing between colby and i. i averted my attention from colby's beady eyes that were dead set on me and looked over at kevin who was looking at my sympathetically.
sam: "so, uhm... colby went to rehab last night."
everyone's eyes darted to sam and then to colby with confused expressions etched on their faces.
elton: "wait, what? what for?" what do you mean 'what for'? at least he's trying.
colby: "because i lost the most important person in my life and i fucked up... bad." most important?
everyone turned to me and i just continued to nervously play with my fingers.
emma: "colby's over there, not by me." i retorted, feeling everyone's eyes on me. even saying his name hurts... what the hell?
kat: "i'm proud of you."
colby: "thanks. i'll be back to normal soon, though," he paused as i felt his eyes on me, "hopefully..." he murmured ever so quietly under his breath. he won't be the same, though... i still love him, of course, but he resembled to stephan. i want to wake up to him in the mornings and i want to be with him at all times... i just don't know how i'm going to move passed that. i mean, if you really love someone, you would be able to see passed their flaws... right? ...but this wasn't a flaw... this was something completely different.
emma: "katrina, can i talk to you, please?" i whispered. she nodded and we both walked to another room, ignoring the looks we earned from everyone sitting at the table.
kat: "everything okay?" she asked worriedly, closing the door behind her.
emma: "i miss him, katrina. i want the old him back." i want him back badly....
kat: "babe, give him time to show you that he's getting better." weren't you the one who told me that he's bad for me?
emma: "i just don't know if i should trust him again. all the things he said... i don't know if he meant it all or not." don't cry, emma... don't cry, emma...
kat: "i know i said all of those things at the hospital... but in my opinion, i don't think he did mean all of those things he said. i don't even think he remembers any of it, if i'm being honest."
emma: "what should i do?" talk to him, emma, i told you this! my subconscious shouts. i rolled my eyes inwardly at myself.
kat: "do whatever you want to."
i sighed and we both walked back to the kitchen table. everyone looked at us with wide eyes.
emma: "what are we looking at now? should i book my tickets for the show?" i said sarcastically.
everyone laughed a little.
kevin: "jelly bean has officially gotten her flavor back." he smiled.
emma: "...she never lost her flavor, she was just at the bottom of the bag." i smiled back as i sat back down in the chair at the table, proud of my response.
elton: "that's my girl." he grinned. colby smiled, his cute ass dimples popping out.
sam: "why don't we all have a movie day?"
everyone agreed and we discussed which movie to watch.
emma: "katrina, do you have clothes here?"
kat: "i have a ton. why?"
emma: "i need to change. can i borrow your clothes?"
kat: "yeah, of course."
elton: "you can shower, too, if you want."
i nodded and followed katrina into her and sam's room. she handed me a comfy outfit and i headed to the shower that was located in the guest bathroom downstairs. after i desperately tried to scrub all of my sadness away, i got out of the blazing hot shower and dried off. i slipped into the spandex and crop top that katrina had let me borrow and i put my laundry and towel where they needed to go before i walked back out to the others. they were all sitting on the couch, but colby wasn't.
sam: "took you long enough." he teased.
i laughed and playfully rolled my eyes as i walked over to them. i sat next to katrina and laid in her lap.
sam: "colby! come on!" he shouted. oh, lord...
just then, colby came walking downstairs. i looked over at him and was shocked to see him wearing the hoodie that i would always take from him. i stared at him for a moment and his eye caught mine. that hurt to see. that was my hoodie...
no, emma. he left you... remember? my subconscious said harshly. i frowned at the voice in my head and at colby and my gaze lingered back to the television as the movie started.
kevin: "colby, i kind of took your spot. sit next to emma." he winked at me. smooth, kev... smooth. i rolled my eyes at him and i tucked my feet into my chest so that there was room for colby. the other side of the couch sunk in, which meant that he had sat down. my heart rate increased dramatically when colby's arm brushed my behind. relax, emma, it is not the first time he's touched you. we all sat and watched the movie as katrina twirled my hair around her finger. after a little bit, i fell asleep... again. i was asleep for what felt like hours and before i knew it, katrina was shaking me awake. i groaned and sat up, rubbing my eyes open.
elton: "you sleep way too much." he laughed.
emma: "and i enjoy every second of it." i retorted playfully. it helps me avoid all of the bullshit.
everyone laughed a little and then we all got up and walked around the bunker as we cleaned up and did random chores. talk to him, emma, you'll be fine. i promise. no. i won't talk to him. he needs to talk to me. emma, get your ass over there and talk to him! i sighed in exasperation at myself, earning looks from everyone, and figured now was the best time to talk to colby if he wanted to talk. he was on the couch on his phone, so i walked over to him and crouched down to his level. my heart rate increased and my hands started to shake. why are you so damn nervous, emma? his gaze met mine and his smile wracked my body.
emma: "i don't know if you even want to talk to me, but can i talk to you...? ...in private?" i asked cautiously. to my surprise, he stood up, causing me to nearly fall face first onto the wood floor, but guess who caught me... colby and i made our way upstairs, catching glances at everyone's confused expressions, and we entered his room. play it cool, emma. try to calm down. trying to distract myself, i made up his bed from earlier and sat down, nervously playing with my fingers as he walked closer to me.
colby: "hey." he said with a small smile.
emma: "hey... uhm... do you remember anything of what happened the last couple of days?"
colby: "i remember drinking, jake leaving, going to the rehab center, a brief period of the argument we had the morning after you came back from the hospital, and us breaking up... but i don't remember if i said anything else or not." he sat next to me on the bed, his thigh brushing my own. jake left? wait, so tara did, too? emma, focus! she snaps again. ugh! i took a deep breath and looked up at him, his gaze wide and stuck on me.
emma: "you don't remember you telling me to kill my self? it's pretty important to forget." i asked sadly.
colby: "w-what?" he whispered in shock, sadness taking over his body completely.
emma: "you also called me a weak ass bitch as i had a blade digging into my wrist," i paused, watching his mouth fall open, "...i was so close." i shudder just thinking about it. i glanced down at my feet that were nervously playing footsies with each other and when i looked back up at him, he had tears rolling down his cheeks. i don't enjoy seeing him sad, but i want him to feel how i feel. he deserves to feel even a little bit of sadness over this. i am not going to be the only one sad and i am definitely not going to give in to him that easy. he caused this so he's going to feel the anxiety and sadness that i feel. he already feels it, emma! don't get ahead of yourself!