falling in love with a gang leader

chapter 64 (colby's pov)

i charge angrily into the bunker, tears streaming my face. i scream and shout as i flip the tables and chairs over in the dining room, the flower vase now shattered all over the floor. the fruit that sits in the basket on the table is rolling all over the floor, the chairs are flipped over and on their sides, the table is completely on its side, the legs sticking straight up. shaking and wanting to destroy everything in my sight, i run into the kitchen and find whatever breakable things i could find and shatter every glass item there is, leaving only a few glasses left. i grab my head roughly and sob at the top of my lungs as my back slides down the refrigerator door, screaming every possible thing running through my head. why me! why does she have to love another man! this isn't how it was supposed to end! it was supposed to be her and i forever! that's what she always told me, but she lied! she up and left for months for brennen! what the actual fuck! she "loves" him? she does! and it just had to be the man i hate most! the man that tried to kill her and kill me, is the man she loves! and just wait until she finds out what he did! she's going to hate him! ugh! i just want to end this! end this situation, maybe even my life if it's going to make me feel better! i love her, man! and i will love her for eternity and she just threw that away like it was nothing! everything she told me about "being in love with me" and "never going to be with anyone else", it was all a lie!
colby: "GOD, PLEASE!" i sob loudly, a screeching sound coming out of my mouth. i grab my hair strands tightly, pulling and tugging to try and take tension away from how badly i am hurting right now. i have never felt this kind of pain and i can't explain it. i hate everything! i hate emma! i hate her, but at the same time, i want to hug her and tell her that i love her endlessly! god! i've looked day and night for her! and when i go to finally end brennen's life, i find EMMA! what the fuck! why? why! what did i do to her!
?: "oh... my god." i look up after a beat and see sam, his eyes wide with fear and confusion as he watches me have an actual breakdown. go away!
colby: "leave me alone!" i shouted, feeling like the walls were closing in on me.
sam: "what happened?" he asked calmly, leaning down to me on his knees.
colby: "she left me for him! she loves him, sam! even after he tried to kill her!" i cry and cry, feeling no relief from shattering everything in my sight.
sam: "who, emma?" he asked, shocked.
colby: "yes! i love her, man! i hate her, but i love her!"
sam: "okay, slow down," he pauses, glancing around wide-eyed at all the broken glass and objects flipped over, "explain what happened. when did you see her and what do you mean, "she loves him"?" he continued, patting my shoulder. nothing is going to make me feel better and if he even thinks for a second that this is helping me, it's not. i scrub my face with force, sniffing a ton to try and stop my nose from running. i took a deep breath and wiped the tears that ran down my face, trying desperately to keep it together as i tell sam what happened.
sam: "what was she doing with brennen? is that where she ran off to?" he asked, moving the glass pieces over stingily so that he could sit down in front of me.
colby: "i guess so. if that's what she really wanted, why couldn't she just say so? if she wasn't happy and wanted to be with someone else, she could've told me!" my voice rose louder and louder, hiding my face in my hands as i lean my neck down between my knees. calm down, colby. relax...
sam: "does anyone else know?" disappointment in his voice, he frowns at me. ignoring his concern, i continue to rant, "and not to mention, alex held a blade to her throat thinking she was the bad guy! she now has a slit in the same spot as the first time she witnessed an invasion in this house and they were both my fault! and then i pushed her and screamed at her... i waved a knife in front of her face, sam. she probably thought i wanted to kill her..." my voice grew lower and quieter, realization hitting me. this is somewhat my fault. and instead of budging her to come back to me, i pushed her away. i saw that look in her eyes when she gazed at me. those sad, sobbing blues of hers burning into my own with fear and anxiousness. i could see that she cares about me, that she still may love me... meaning, there's hope. but at this point, brennen is one step ahead of me. having full advantage of her by loving and hugging on her while i'm still struggling to understand what i did wrong.
sam: "don't do that to yourself, colby. don't try and make this all your fault because you both had something to do with it." he was calm, trying to reason with me.
colby: "she moved on, sam! do you not get it? she is letting another man touch her and kiss her in the places that only i supposed to see! not anyone else!" i shouted in spite of bitterness, desperately trying to contain myself.
sam: "you moved on, too, colby! you found emily the second month after emma left! in that category, you're just as bad! you don't think you're in the wrong for acting the way you do on emily? i'm sure if emma were in your shoes and she was the one hurting, she wouldn't agree with you loving on emily and seeing things that only emma would show you! put it in a different perspective, colby! you lost hope, so you moved on! there's nothing wrong with that!" he shouts, eyeing me with a deadly stare... the annoyance showing loud and proud on his pail face.
colby: "i never lost hope! i still proceeded to search for her for months, sam! we both did!" i shout back, my eyes falling in revelation when sam shouts something that almost left me speechless.
sam: "then why did you move on?" he screams, his face now turning pink in the cheeks.
colby: "because i feel alone, sam! without emma, i feel like a piece of me is gone and i was trying to find something or someone to put me back together!"
sam: "oh, yeah? and how's that working out for you? because it doesn't seem like you're doing very well! i hate to break it to you, but you're never going to be the same! you're my day one and i love you like a brother, but once you fall in love with someone as hard as you did, there's no way out! even if you hire a rebound to replace your true feelings! snap out of it, colby!" he shouts, effectively proving his point and putting me in my place... as i deserve to be. he's right... he always is. i lean my head back against the refrigerator door and sigh loudly, feeling the tears on my face dry cold from the thermostat feeling like it's  at 60 degrees on full blast.
colby: "i didn't think this would ever happen. i didn't think she would run away, i didn't think she would end up falling for someone else... i didn't think i would be questioning myself based off of her actions. it hurts, sam. i just feel so... lost." i said after a beat, my voice calm and cool... the anger in my system drying out.
sam: "i didn't see any of it coming, either, if it makes you feel any better. and i'm sure that once we tell the others they're going to be just as shocked as i am. it's not your fault, colby. you didn't have any part of this." he said coolly, his tone soft in disapproval.
colby: "i can't help but feel that it is my fault, sam. i drove her away in the first place with not a clue of what i did and tonight, i pushed her and practically harassed her by screaming and shouting with rage and anger that's been built up inside of me since the day she walked out through that door. i'm no better than mike and how he treated her." i said quietly, effectively making myself feel like absolute shit when i truly cannot take anymore guilt and pain.
sam: "shut it, colby," he said forcefully, my eyes suddenly jerking up to his, "don't you ever compare yourself to mike. next time you do, i'll kill you myself." he spoke with a little more ease, his voice lighter but still in fact strict. i sighed and said nothing, watching as elton made his appearance... standing in the archway of the kitchen with a shocked look on his face.