more than a girlfriend - billie eilish

half of what i say is meaningless but i say it just to reach you

title: julia - the beatles

billie's POV

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"hey bil?" elle says, breaking the silence. i pause the movie we're watching and give her my full attention. "when we do have kids, how many do you want?" she asks. "i don't know. two or three" i answer. "i was thinking that too." she agrees. "why do you ask?" i question. "i don't know. i just feel bad about having to make us wait. god knows i was so excited for us to finally get married, get a house and have kids but now i feel like i put that on hold. and that just makes me sound selfish." she shrugs sadly. "hey, you're not being selfish. you're following your dream and that's what i want for you. plus, we couldn't have a kid right now anyway. do you really want your baby to be born into a society like this?" i ask, making her laugh a little. "i can wait a little longer if you can. i'm not going anywhere. but if you really want to have a kid right now, i'm down. i just think that you should finish up school and maybe at that point my fame will have died down enough that they could have an actual normal life."  i add. "you're right. it was just a thought. i can wait." she agrees. "and when the time comes, i know you are going to be the best mom in the world." i assure her, pulling her close to me. "you can teach them how to respect people and be smart and i can teach them to write music and annoy their uncle" i plan. "sounds like a deal." she says with a small smile. "i'm sorry we gotta wait. the minute you're out of college, we're having that damn baby." i tell her. "it's okay. we can wait. like you said, i'm not going anywhere." she nods and lays her head on my chest. 

i hate having to shoot her down like that, god knows i want to have a baby more than anything but i want her to finish college and so she can see our baby often. i want us to be able to actually be there and take care of them when the time comes. but some of the stuff i said was meaningless to get the idea out of her head so she will decide to finish school. 

god please let these next four years go by fast. 

"billie" elle nudges me gently until i look down at her. "yeah?" i ask. "i think i'm only going to go to school for two years." she informs me. "as long as you feel you need is good with me" i remind her. "good, i don't want to have to wait four fucking years. the sooner the better." elle smiles. (it's actually required for most places that you have a bachelor's degree but that's not important)

fuck yeah