Reviews 2.0

Dirty Little Secrets (riyamcyriac)

This also makes me wonder what her social status is. Based on the blurb, she sounds pretty average, but her life sounds extravagant. I would clarify this by describing her belongings and her house. Then again, considering she lives by Manhattan in a big residential house, I don't think she's just average.

A commonality I see in a lot of these stories is that authors use imagines the middle of the text to show the reader what it looks like, and this is my biggest pet peeve in writing. It really undermines my trust in the author's ability to paint a good picture for me, and once that happens, I doubt their ability to write a good story. A picture might show a thousand words, but it has no place in a YA novel.

To answer your question, Abigal comes off as the generic best friend in these movies. She's like a guide for our main character, a sweet and outsider person that is always with our MC until our MC screws up and breaks her trust. Pierre is going to be her boyfriend, the guy in the excerpt that will treat Luna like trash because he thinks he can. Elena, well, I don't have an opinion on her at this point. It would be really cool for you to break these stereotypes and make this story completely unique, but in the direction, it's going, I don't think that will happen.

Chapter 2

To answer your question about Pierre and Hero, I think they're both going to fight for Luna's love and it's going to be a love triangle. I think it's nice that you made Pierre seem a bit more humble considering he's the dean's son, but also...the excerpt makes me think that's all a facade.

Chapter 3

I find the relationship budding between Pierre and Luna...awkward and realistic? I like that! They both really don't know what to say and Pierre says this cringy thing that I bet he regrets. That was a nice refresher.

I'm seeing inconsistencies in Luna's character. Her sister says she's very talkative, but then Pierre says that she's very quiet. It understands that people act different in different situations, but there's not much text to support that she's either of those other than Luna herself telling us. That creates a spoonfeeding experience for the reader.

Chapter 4

Hm...so my suspicions were wrong...I appreciate it. This weird guy in the corner gave me the creeps and the chills. It really bothered me that he treated her that way, but it's bringing in the actual plot: the dirty little secrets. Now I'm intrigued.

Chapter 5

Ahren still gives me the creeps, and like Luna, I want him away from me at all costs. I can't help but wonder what's going on in that corridor. Is it like a secret drug trade? Does she have a target on her back now?

Chapter 6

The pace for this chapter seemed really rushed. I wasn't lost, per se, but I was disconnected from the story. I was aware that I was reading words on a screen, unlike the last two chapters, which I got fully immersed in, the quick pace and jolting storyline took me out of the story. Still, interesting development.

Chapter 7

Okay, so plot twist, Ahren and Pierre are brothers, why am I not surprised? Also, Pierre is an asshole and I don't like him at all. Out of all three boys, I like Hero the most cause he hasn't done anything wrong unlike the other two.

Characters

First, Luna, our main character. I don't know what to think of her because a lot of her attributes are either confusing or contradicting. What I know is that she has her tight amount of people that she cares deeply about and doesn't mind about others, but yet is constantly paranoid about what people think about her. I find this an odd pairing cause their very contradictory. Also, when her sister said she was talkative, I never saw that, and I was only TOLD that she was quiet. I never got to listen in on a conversation and wait for Luna to talk. That use of dialogue would be showing.

Next, Pierre. He is also contradictory. On their friends trip, he seemed genuinely nice and humble, and I was so excited. Then for no reason, he starts to ignore her and then becomes an asshole. I don't like that twist, especially when young readers flock around him in little fan clubs and think that's a healthy way for guys to treat girls. Pierre obviously thinks highly of himself and has some secrets that are gonna come out.

Then, Ahren, probably my least favorite character. He's rude, dehumanizing, and a disappointment o a human being. The way he talks and stalks Luna is so disrespectful and very uncomfortable. His odd obsession with her gives me a really weird feeling.

Abby. Abby is sweet, but not very three dimensional. Both Abby and Elena need some more development, because right now, they're names on a screen that I don't particularly have any emotions for. They haven't made me laugh or scream or cry or explode with anger.

Hero...well, I don't really know much about Hero.

Plot

I think the plot is saving this story. It's interesting and keeps me on the edge of the page, wondering what's in that corridor and wondering if that whatever's there is the reason she got oddly accepted into that college. I think when you build upon this and add more clues, it could be a stellar story.

Description

Please please please cut out those pictures. You are describing the outfits and characters well, but when you put the pictures in, it makes my eyes roll and consider clicking out of the book. You have need growth in the show not tell area, but that will happen as you read and write more.

Book suggestions

Popularity Algorithm by @ancientsongs is a damn good book that follows the same premise as yours, and I think that reading it would be a great learning experience for you to write solid characters and continue a compelling plot. It's on wattpad.

Would I keep reading?

If there were more available, sure, but will I seek out an update like a hawk stalking its prey, no. The characters are flat and haven't' conviced me that they are worth following. I want to see more diversity in not only race and looks, but in thoughts and ideas. I want to be able to like these characters or hate them or (even better) be conflicted by them. When you accomplish that, this would be a really good start for a beginning writer.

Best of luck on our writing journey and so sorry for the delay.