I think this cover is a little too plain. It doesn't show much about the story, and gives off an amatrue vibe. I suggest visiting a cover shop. I even have one called mystic graphics which you can order from.
Maybe it's because I don't know his power by chapter 5, but I don't see where levitate plays in. From the descripton of his power it seems like it is the ability to freeze time, or I could have interepreted it wrong and he was levitating it. Eve then, I think you can think a more clever name for your book.
Note that these are my comments as I read to give you more of a readers insight. Some things will be answered by myself.
This chapter started off with a BANGER. My goodness was I hooked from that initial description.Other than the description issues, which I mention later in this review, this chapter did a great job at hooking the reader into the character and his story. Jesper seems strongwilled but already seeing him fail shows us that he's human as well.
This chapter was a banger! I couldn't take my eyes from the paper. First, we meet Rose, who is mysterious and for some reason, wearing a nice gown and wishing to replace a sword, but notes that it's her grandfathers. Later in the chapter, she reveals that she has abilities too. This might be an off theory, but do their abilities coincide with something given to them by a late loved one?
I also like how you characterized him as a selfless guy who tried to save her without thinking of the consequences. This makes him already my favorite character and that's good considering I'll be following his story from here on out.
Her disappearance rose a lot of questions, and really sets the mood for the rest of the story.
Nothing about this chapter really peaked my intrest or incited me to comment, and I think that was because I was waiting for Rose to pop up, as she did in the end.
I like the background we get in this part. Some of my quesrtions are answered, but I'm still suspicious of Rose. Did she magically happen to walk in the day a big robbery came in or did she know something was going to happen? I don't quite trust her yet, especially since she picked a really dogdy place to talk about all of this. She's able to be invisble, and I am excited to see how they incorperate this into their missions together.
More than anything, I want to know the details of Jesper's power, cause right now it seems like an empty shell, which makes sense because to him, it is empty
Veritas sounded beuatiful at first, but that horrible encounter with the officer makes me change my mind. There's trouble ahead, and this little cliffhanger was a clever way to keep the reader going. Persoanlly I think Glassop is a nice name, but it gives it a scifi feel. I know this is set in older times, so I'll try to remind my mind of that while reading.
The officers brutal behavior and the knockout worries me because it seems liket he start of the plot. They are going to take him to the palace or ruling place and figure out he's special. It's nice that you show that magic isn't mornal in this world, and that gives Rose and Jesper an intangible bond connected by energy.
Your writing style is smoot and enjoyable. The only noticable issue I found was the excessive use of was. Using was is okay, but you tend to flip into passive voice. Instead of saying "He was going" you can say "He walked/went." This leads to a cleaner and more vivid image that will help boost your descriptions, which are already good.
There's nothing drastic that I notices, and nothing impeded me from reading. This does not mean your work is perfect grammar wise, but as someone who doesn't bother to search for problems, it looks pretty clean.
Try to show, not tell. An example is when you say "the men fought courageously". What does that look like? How can one fight that way? Instead, consider a detailed description like this. "Blood dripped down their slender faces, but a determined frown sat on their lips. The men gripped the sword as if it was their soul."
Other than that, you use your senses well and give us more than sight, especially in chapter 5 when we are introduced to Glassop. Keep up the good work!
I like the plot so far! I'm gonna talk baout the blurb in relation to the plot here. I find an issue with the blurb because it's vauge. You know what challanged Jesper is going to face, so hint at it in the blurb to peak reader interest. This will atreact more readers.
Apart from the blurb, the pace is nice, and I'm understanding anything. I'm not gettin left behind, and ma enjoying the theme of violence in a society that tries to be calm. My one issue is taht I still can't place my finger on Jespers power.
It's fitting your genre pretty well, but I would not say a little fantasy in it. It's a fantasy book with the subgenre of adventure. It's a fun read, pretty clean, and I would reccomend it to someone who likes to read historical fantasy, violence, and magic in a society wehre it is abnormal accompaied with two clever side characters trying to weave through the harsh world. Great job!
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