Aconite (onebluerose)

31 1 9

Reviewer: onebluerose

Author: KesseyCoos 


Cover: 9/10

The cover is nice and simple. The title is clear and readable but the author name, not so much. Just a suggestion, maybe create a cover where you incorporate a colored image of the aconite plant. That pop of bluish purple will give life to your cover, in my opinion.

Description / Summary: 8/10 

The description is good and simple. It sums up where the story would revolve around. I would just suggest to rework the last sentence of the summary, "But were they really just fantasies, like they implied, or was it all real?" This question gives the answer itself no matter how many times one reads it.

"Chrispyn's life is turned upside down when the unexplainable happens. Not only is one of his best friends missing, but he's pretty sure a monster killed him, yet the next night, he woke up in his bed. Sweaty, panting, but alive." The second sentence of this paragraph is too long. I suggest breaking them down to maybe two short ones.

Just a note about this part, and I apologize in advance if it sounds rude, the summary did its job which is to summarize the plot but I didn't feel anything. No excitement or curiosity. It sounded a bit cliche and, of course, predictable. If you could edit this with the same thought but different form it would be really great. You could maybe give the readers a glimpse of what happened/what he saw the moment his friend disappeared. Describe a key point that had made its mark in his mind. Let us see what he feels after, how no one believed in him and how he felt about it.

Chapter Review: 7/10 

I have read the story up to the sixth chapter but will only go into detail with the first three. Overall, I would suggest working on tension building as it was lacking the most.

Chapter 1: The opening is really good. It describes the main character's isolation and, as a reader, I can picture it very well. Just a suggestion, I think it would bring more impact if you lay out the contrast of his surroundings before and at the present. "The things I'm used to aren't the same anymore." Let us readers see what the things he was used to were. It would also establish the main character's personality, who he was and how he acted. It could also reveal the things he values or pays the most attention to. I noticed that the first half of this paragraph you dropped like three names, Penny, Alec and Ellie. I know that they're friends based on how it was written but the depth of that friendship wasn't presented at all. This chapter also has a lot of time skips. I think it would be better if the main character was making his way to lunch at the beginning. His friends at their usual table but he chose not to be with them. I am suggesting this as to avoid the unnecessary time skip and since the main action of the story is at the cafeteria when a group of upperclassmen sat with Chrispyn. I also noticed that there was no tension created when the upperclassmen sat with the main

character at lunch. I don't quite grasp the conflict/ hesitation that Chrispyn was feeling. There was also little excitement at the later parts when the main character was abducted. It was kind of bland.

Chapter 2: The first thing that came to mind was the question, "where were they?" The description of what was happening was there, the way the upperclassmen treated the main character and their reactions. I suggest working on the details of the setting of your story.

Chapter 3: I think the last part of this chapter beats the purpose of kidnapping and isolating the main character so he doesn't wreck havoc outside, not to mention it was said he was not ready. Though I'd say that describing how the transformation occurs was a great idea. It lets the readers picture what was happening with the main character.

Main Characters: 7/10 

There were times that I got confused because the main character, more often than not, acts like a girl. The responses he made and the actions he had done were not something I could picture a male doing. But I guess he was the not so manly man type. He also showed no resistance, hesitation or conflict with the things that happened or those being thrown at him. For the other characters, I can't help but notice that you have not established separate personalities for them. I could not pick out anyone and remember anyone as sassy, witty, scaredy or whatever. Please work on character depth and development.

Activity of the Writer: 9/10 

The author replies to feedback/comments on the story as well as to those on her conversation feed.

Plot: 8/10 

So far, the story is good and has potential. I wonder why Aconite? What does it have to do with the character and the story? Does it have some connection with the main guy's eye color? What happened to the friend? So many more questions playing in my head aside from these. Just one point to keep mind, don't stray from the main focus of the story. Make sure that the things you highlighted in the summary are included in the future chapters.

Overall Advice: 

The story was good. Just pay attention to pacing, tension building, character depth and development. Don't rush it or cram too many information in one chapter.

This is just my opinion. A single person's point of view. Please know that the things I pointed out are not flat out negativity but rooms for improvement. Also, please feel free to ask questions if you have any. Thank you for trusting me!



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