Penned Thoughts (Annie_Moon2001)

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Reviewer: Annie_Moon2001

Author: Iridescent_Diadem


Cover: 9/10

I love the picture and font used, but the text organization is truly lacking. 

Description/Summary: 9½/10 

First of, I'll advice you move your highest rankings to the bottom. After that, I have nothing more to say than this was truly beautiful. It was properly and perfectly written and edited. Good job! 

Chapter Review: 7/10 

Detailed Description:Although there were a lot of errors, I'd say good job on your description. This is because it sure does make me curious to start reading. 

Meet Elena Meyer:I love the first two sentences, it just seems like poetry or something like that. You made some typing errors like the place where you wrote, "... she has her eyes set only one - Raymond Clarke" should have been, "... she has her eyes set only on Raymond Clarke" or you could try something else.

The next sentence, where you started with but just made it seem redundant. To me, I feel it's very necessary for a writer to avoid starting sentences with but all the time. I'm not saying it's bad but using a different word to start it would have seemed a lot better. 

For the rest part here, I'll just advice you thoroughly edit it. You omitted some words probably due to haste. To me, after his name, you should have used a comma before writing "the school's star football player" instead of writing it as a different sentence. 

The part where you wrote about she crushing on him since grade one and him seeing her as only a friend would sound better if you joined them together and not write each as a sentence of its own. 

Finally, I'll advice that you probably break this paragraph up so that one can easily feel the emotions and it wouldn't seem too long and boring.

Meet Brandon Black:The sentence break is just too much. Instead of using a full stop all the time, you could try using a comma. Like, "Everyone wants to be him. But he wants no one." The full stop there is totally irrelevant. You could have just continued it like that. Another example, "Girls fall head over heels for him. Kiss the ground he walks. But he never gives a shit." You should use a comma after the first sentence instead of a full stop then to add the last sentence, there's no need for a punctuation mark. That way it'd be, "Girls fall head over heels for him, kiss the ground he walks but he never gives a shit." There were places you used a comma when there was no need for it. 

I'll still advice here that you should break down this paragraph probably into two. 

The questions that you wrote to help make your readers curious to read on needs work in terms of grammar. 

Chapter One (Snide Remarks): 

I don't really feel too comfortable with the way you started it. It's not because I think it's not good but because if the sentence break. Rather than breaking the first two sentences, you could actually merge them like this, "The weekend was over and it was yet another week at Eastwood High School." You as well try to do it in whatever way you please.

For the fourth sentence, I'll just advice that you remove the "And" but you could also merge it with the third sentence but before that, you'll have to work on the third sentence. This is because presently, it sounds a bit off. 

For the next paragraph, the first sentence could use a bit brush up. Instead of "the car", you can use "her car" and instead of "in" you could use "at". For the next sentence, you can't really use, "everyday" because it seems like a continuous term or something like that rather you use, "every other day". 

For the third paragraph and in the first sentence, instead of using "and", you could actually use a comma. In your second sentence, the one italicized, after the word "party", I'd advice you use a comma. In your third sentence, the use of "and" was just too much and probably unnecessary after the first one. I'll advice you turn the third part (then turned the two heads...) into a sentence of its own. When you do that, you'll then have to brush it up (edit it) a bit. If you feel that there's no need for that and there's a different way you could edit it, please do. 

From your dialogues, I observed that you didn't punctuate some. I wouldn't point out more errors on this chapter because I think with this, you'd be able to edit this chapter. 

Anyways, nice chapter ending.

Chapter Two (Finding Solace): 

In your second paragraph, I'll advice you merge the first four sentences together to be somewhat like, "She never got drunk, didn't have any hookups and had only two boyfriends so far in which both were clean relationships." If you you don't like the organization, you can try something else. I'll also like to advice that you avoid starting your sentences with "And". 

In your fourth paragraph, where you wrote about her heading home, I'll advice you take a look at it because using "to" after "headed" was quite irrelevant.Another word you should avoid using all the time is, "she then" or "he then".I observed that you misused some of the punctuation marks especially the comma. In general, I'd advice that you thoroughly edit this chapter and use the things I pointed out as a guide. 

Chapter Three (Anonymous Poet): 

Honestly, I do love it when sentences are short and not to long but these ones I pointed out previosly are just unnecessarily short when it could be merged to give a perfect sentence. The reason for mentioning this is because of your first chapter. There are no much errors in this chapter. The remaining things you'd need to do is to thoroughly edit this chapter. 

Activity of the Writer: 8/10 

The writer replies to all messages on the conversation board and most of the the comments in the comment box were replied to.

Plot: 8/10 

The story is really great. It's really creative and very interesting. I think the chapter you titled as the bonus chapter should be Chapter 21. This is because truly your readers were right to say that it seemed incomplete. 

Overall Advice: 

I'll just advice that you carefully read through the review and take note of where I pointed out could use some work. It's totally up to you if to follow it but I'll advice that you do follow some if not all. 

That all aside, I'll rate this book a 8/10.


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