Reviews 2.0

A Demon Too Many (JadedElegance)

Finally, it's good to leave the reader with a mysterious line that hooks the person into taking your book home.

I really like the blurb being written from the MC's perspective. Around 90% of the time, blurbs are written in the same 3rd-person tone that reminds you of the guy who does the voice for movie trailers. However, you need to flesh that out a bit in order to really hook the reader. If you're going 1st-person in your blurb, you need the reader to emotionally connect with the character and have some interest. The reason most don't do that is, frankly, it's a lot to ask from a blurb. If you pull it off well, though, you've created something memorable.

There are tense and grammar errors that are also distracting. This book is well-viewed and popular here on Wattpad, which means you should have a killer blurb to market it. If you'd like help improving the blurb, please PM privately!


Chapter Review: (I don't score this section. Instead, it's a detailed overview of my thoughts and impressions while reading. As with all thoughts and impressions, they are presented with a large grain of salt.)

Chapter One: The opening of this chapter was remarkably ordinary, yet something about it draws the reader into the world at all. You waste no time at all before introducing the supernatural elements of the character. The first surprise for me was learning the female MC, Eris, is not the demon. I'd drawn that conclusion from the picture on the cover and the title. It is easy to assume this story is about a female demon, so learning that she was actually a dragon made me laugh more than a little bit.

One of the charming pieces of this story is that the opening scene, where the female MC wakes up next to a man she isn't necessarily thrilled is there but obviously finds physically attractive, is one that is common without the supernatural elements. The magical side of things adds humour. Waking up to the wrong person on the other side of the bed is something that could literally cause the world to burn, and both these characters would stand and watch. The establishment of the premise that they draw power from emotion and chaos is a theme that is set up from almost the very beginning. I hope the theme is one that is followed through the unfolding of the rest of the story, because although you lay the groundwork in a simple and subtle fashion, I can see depth building already.

The grammatical errors are a huge problem that pulls away from the overall enjoyment of the story. It isn't so much the incorrect grammar that's bothersome as the awkward phrasing that's often displeasing to the ear. Fixing that issue will take this book to a whole new level.

As far as supporting characters go, Liam is a strong one. He is realistic in a human way, a presence that provides stability and a sense of normalcy to an otherwise really odd scene. The story about Eris always sleeping near Liam's egg and refusing to leave him is a gem of love and tenderness in a tale that's yet to explore the vulnerable sides of any character. The way you've carefully chosen those details in the story that shine a light upon Eris and Liam's relationship is very well done.

Chapter Two: While Chapter One focused almost solely on character development and world building, Chapter Two starts off very quickly by unfolding bits of the plot. The reader learns Eris once had a bakery and the men in her life are encouraging of the idea of her re-opening it, but they do not push her. This suggests some sort of trauma or loss in Eris' life that is either because of or attached to the bakery.

It's a heavy theme, but it doesn't stay that way for long. Let's face it, the idea of a dragon who bakes for a small army whenever she's agitated is amusing. It is also a bit sad to read about her experiences with bullying and being overwhelmed by emotion without a healthy way to express them. Rocco saying he misses the outbursts could seem a selfish statement from a Chaos Demon, but in this context, it's almost as if he's noticed something has dampened her feisty personality. The thing he misses is not only what benefits him, but the genuine "person" she is.

There are many more grammatical errors in this chapter, some of which muddle the plot a bit. For instance, the section in which he says, "So I'm "Rocco" now." makes it sound as if that's not a name but a derogatory term she's made up for him. That bit left me puzzled.

By the end, any sympathy and sense of humanity we have for Rocco is gone, as he talks about being on an "assignment" and enjoying bringing torment to Eris. If he is like most demons in traditional lore, he doesn't have the capacity to love or care for others in the way humans do. From what's been presented so far in the story, that's almost a tragedy.