Somewhere Only We Know (boyxboy) (kellic)

Chapter 35

(Voices By Bella B.)

I hear them there everyday,
Why will they not go away?
They tell me that I'll be betrayed,
Will it be really be that way?

They fill my brain with thoughts and doubts,
Will I ever make it out?
Of the hell that I am in,
I don't think I'll ever win.

I'm sure they've taken over me,
The voices make me want to flee,
They make me want to cry inside,
but I know that I can't hide.

-
(This is Sunday when Vic's at church with Dani btw)
Kellin's POV (oh shiiiit)

I was on my way back from my psychiatrists office. My mom was driving. I had only learned around two weeks ago that I didn't have bipolar disorder like they originally thought, but instead, something called Schizoaffective disorder. I had been put on new meds today. I haven't even told Vic about any of it. He was there with me the first time I had a psychotic break, or I guess they call it psychosis. It's not like he didn't know that I was a little crazy sometimes. I just slowly stopped telling him about it when it happened.

I was scared. I didn't want him thinking I was a freak. His opinion mattered more to me than anyone's and...and if he found out I was on medication, he'd probably start acting different around me and that's not what I wanted. It was part of the reason I had been ignoring him a ton lately. Well...that along with some other things.

"What are you thinking about, Kelly?" My mom asked. I kept my eyes glued to outside the window. I watched the cars driving passed us and next to us on the street.

"What if they don't work?" I said. "I just can't imagine going from feeling so out of control all the time to not feeling it at all. How is that possible?"

My mom remained silent until she let out a long sigh. "If it doesn't work, we tell doctor Way about it and he'll put you on some new ones, honey. You heard what he said. Your diagnosis isn't an easy one to treat. It could take a while before they find the right combination of medication to treat it. But we'll get there."

"Yea, well the other medication was shit." I groaned. I was tired of it. The pills.

"Well that's because you weren't diagnosed right the first time. This times different, honey, just give it a chance, okay?"

I didn't say anything. I just felt so frustrated. One day I'm fine, the next I'm too scared to leave my room. And to top it off, I was always trapped in a cycle of anger, depression, and mania. Today was one of my bad days. I could feel the paranoia start creeping up since yesterday. It wouldn't be long before I'd be feeling it's full effects.

It wasn't always this bad but it somehow just got worse as the years went by. I started having psychosis in middle school. I remember how freaked out I was about it. I told Vic; I called him every time I was having an episode. He was the only one I could trust with my mom being so busy with different boyfriends all the time. I always hated thinking about her boyfriends. I hated all her boyfriends. None of them were ever good enough for her and they all had a distaste for me. I was just glad she was single now.

As much as I want her to find someone and be happy, I know that the moment she does get another boyfriend, I'll stop being her priority again and I'll be the one that has to pick up the pieces when things go to shit.

I let my eyes close for the rest of the car ride until we got home. I laid in my bed, headphones in, music on. And then my phone vibrated. I looked down at it and smiled at the name that popped up on my screen.

Vic: I wish you were here right now :(

Me: Wow, you just can't get enough of me, can you? Have any wet dreams about me yet? (;