Somewhere Only We Know (boyxboy) (kellic)

Chapter 26

A/N: TRIGGER WARNING: Please proceed with caution

("Green eggs and ham" by Peter LaBarbera)

I saw the kiss by Michael Sam..
It made me mad–he kissed a man!
That's something I don't want to see
It's wrong, unnatural, and it's not just me.
Many now say, "Homosexuality is OK."
But God says there's a better way.
He made men for women, and women for men.
So why are "gays" so prideful then?
Please, no public same-sex kisses, Michael Sam.
We don't want to see this man-on-man! [...]
I do not mean to pick a fight
When I say most Blacks don't think homosexuality's a "civil right."
Far from a "right," Michael. In fact, it's wrong.
Must I put this in a song?
Michael shot back: "Not wrong at all, it's who I am!
"I'm gay. My name is Michael Sam."
"God made me black and blessed me with gayness."
Blessed you?! Then why are so many diseases linked to "sex" in the anus?
No, God made you black–not 'gay,'" said I.
"You've chosen to believe a lie!"
You can't change your skin color, that's a fact.
But homosexuality? That's only an act.

-

Vic's POV

Was I a complete and total asshole? I kept telling myself over and over again that I was just experimenting and I wasn't really hurting anyone if nothing was official yet. I'm not a bad guy. I'm just trying to find myself. That's what high schools for right? To find yourself?

It had been an entire two weeks since I had fooled around with Alan. For the first time, anyway. By now we'd probably have fooled around more than a fifth time. More than a sixth? I wasn't sure. I was having too much fun to keep track. Fooling around wasn't the only thing I was doing though. I was still going on dates with Dani from time to time. They were fun, she was a great girl, I had suddenly found myself a new friend and I didn't want to lose her. She felt just as close to me as Jenna was, we just clicked.

I frown at the hands that are squeezing my sides. She'd placed a kiss or two on my neck. I felt upset with myself because I had yet to develop any feelings for her. And I could already tell how much she had started to like me. Was I leading her on? I couldn't just stop now though; I didn't want to lose her as a friend and I didn't want to break her heart. So in my mind, I was doing the right thing.

We had been cuddling for the past hour, I was playing with her hair, braiding it sometimes only to then take it apart. She was talking to me about her day, in small spurts, lots of pauses filled with quiet sighs and rustling about. My mind drifted as I listened to her. Her words slowly became a mile away and Kellin's face had entered my mind. A mixture of hate and happiness washed through. I wished I wasn't so eager to see him. I had noticed every time I had hooked up with Alan, I'd just end up thinking about how much I wanted Kellin. I cringed. My mind kept running back to the night of the party...the night we got closer than I ever thought we would. The night he remembered but didn't want to. The night he regretted. The night I was starting to hate.

"Vic? You okay, babe?" Dani asked. She looked up at me concerned.

She had taken up on calling me that for a while now. I let her because every time she said it, it made me feel this warmth in my stomach and I liked it a lot.

"Yea, just thinking." I whispered.

"About what?"

"You. You're stunning. I just can't stop looking at you." I smiled. I had been getting better at my lying. With lying to Kellin everyday, keeping secrets from Jenna, and sneaking away with Alan; I had been getting good at hiding the truth. I was also more motivated to prove that I wasn't gay, now more than ever, because of recent events. I laughed quietly to myself. What had my life become? I was acting like a fucking asshole.

"What's so funny? Do you secretly think I'm ugly?" Dani gasped dramatically. I laughed at her and shook my head.

"Obviously not or I wouldn't hang around you so much. Can we watch Harry Potter? Or get some snacks? Maybe we can invite Kellin and Katherine over?" I asked, getting ahead of myself. In all honesty, I wanted to be around more people solely on the fact that I was bored. She was great and all, but I'd rather be cuddling in silence with Kellin, hell, even Alan. My heart singed as the thought occurred. I cringed. It did make me happy that she liked being around me so much though.

"Mm, nah. I want you all to myself today." She grinned. She suddenly leaned in and kissed my lips. I kissed her back as I tried to focus on the kiss itself rather than focusing on knowing I was kissing a girl. She broke away first, smiling up at me shyly. I desperately prayed in my mind that I'd somehow look at her and realize how bisexual I really was. Or maybe I'd magically turn straight. To my dismay, I only further confirmed that I was a fucking gay little shit who was still very in love with his childhood best friend. I wanted to do this for him though.

I wanted him to believe I was straight. I wanted him to keep unaware that I was madly in love with him. I wanted him to have a normal best friend. And not some "freak faggot" hanging by his side.

I sighed as I thought back to the two days prior when I heard those awful words.

Kellin wasn't homophobic. He couldn't be. He just slipped up while we were talking about Kevin Spacey the other day. That's definitely what it was. It was a mistake. He was just angry at Spacey. Nothing against gay people. Nothing against it, I'm sure of it. He would never.

Ever since he made that comment, I had been second guessing my fooling around with Alan.

Regardless, I didn't want him to ever see me like that. The more straight and manly of an image I could upkeep, the longer I'll be able to keep my best friend around.

I'd be lying if I didn't say that because of what Kellin has said, I had stayed up last night reading thousands of comments online from people who were homophobic. Thousands of people saying rude things, they all felt personal, they felt like they were all about me, as if in big headlines of the articles I read was my name splayed across them.

So many people were homophobic. So many people were so hateful. Could Kellin be one of them? I mean, we were both friends with Jenna...he wouldn't lie about being okay with her, would he? Maybe he was a part of the people that bashed gay people online. Since when has he started using the word faggot? Why did he say it? I wanted to change for him. I wanted to get over this.

I got so angry in that split second, remembering those words. Freak faggot. I let out a frustrated groan and pushed Dani away from me gently. She looked hurt for a second before I pushed her onto her back and quickly went about kissing her.

She was caught off guard and immediately flustered as I kissed at her neck. I was not a freak faggot. I'm not going to let anyone ever call me that. I'll never give anyone a reason to ever again. It's not right, I'm pining over my best friend like some sexual predator.  More words from the articles. Sinners. I was religious so hearing that word always hit hard. I didn't want to be this person. I kissed her harder. Disgusting. I wrapped her legs around my waist. Manipulator. I touched her breasts. Mentally ill.

I just wanted it to stop. I wanted to feel normal.

A/N: I'm crying because I remember when I was trying to convince myself I liked boys, I went through hundreds of articles and forums and comments and hate groups about gay people, cause I wanted to make myself feel bad. I wanted it to push me to not like girls. I read shit like that for weeks on end and hated myself for a while. So that's basically what happened with Vic here. Kellin said something that set off self doubt and he went to the internet, and sadly, started convincing himself it was wrong. I want to point out that this isn't anything that I think now, I'm comfortable with myself now and the words I put in there were some that I remember from the articles I read.

If any of you guys are feeling this way about your sexuality, just know that your sexuality is valid and it's not disgusting. It's not abnormal, it's not sinful. It's beautiful, it's love, it's normal, it's you. You are amazing no matter who you chose to love.