Somewhere Only We Know (boyxboy) (kellic)

Chapter 64

(If The Stars Could Speak by Clairel Estevez)

I want to invite you for a walk
To a quiet place; in the moor.
When the breeze sings serenades,
One of those nights -
The moon is full.

A restless pounding invaded my heart
When I think of my confidants -
The stars.
If only they could speak,
What would they say?
If you could hear them talk.

For the know my fondness for you
And that in my thoughts,
The is no other one.

If only the stars could speak
They will tell you that I love you.
They would ask you,
To love me back.

-
Vic's POV

It was hard staying sober. I tried so hard everyday to not think about it but it always came up anyway. I don't know how many times I've written about it in my journal already, or how many times I've lied awake in bed at night fighting the urge to call Jeremy. It was hard being awake for reality. I was so used to walking through it in a cloud of numbing comfort that I just felt stripped of all warmth; I had no escape now. I could hardly sleep most days, in fact, I couldn't decide if I even preferred staying awake anymore.

When I slept, I at least got to pretend that I still had Dilaudid flowing through my veins. The only problem with that was that it left me craving it in the morning and the rest of my day would be filled with zoning out and hating myself. It's been hell trying to drag myself out of these loops. I'd get stuck on the thought of how easy it'd be to get Dilaudid, then I'd spend hours convincing myself it wasn't worth it. I doubted myself almost every time. How could it not be worth it? It made everything easier.

My smart, rational side knew that was wrong. It made everything harder, it just made it easier to deal with. It didn't help that I knew my mama was afraid I'd relapse. I could see the worry in her eyes everyday when I'd leave for school or to go see Kellin. There was a look of distrust the second after I'd say goodbye to her. It was like she knew her hope wasn't enough to save me. She knew it was only my willpower that could truly change anything. I hated breaking her heart the way I did, but there's no way to make her feel better until she sees that I'm really okay. Mama knows me too well and I know she's aware of how bad I'm doing. I only wish I could hide it better so I could at least suffer in silence, on my own, without having to drag her into this.

"Don't stay out too late, okay?" My mama asked, trying not to cough. I nodded, placing a kiss on her forehead.

"I'll be home before midnight. I'm sure papa will be happy to have you to himself." I spoke.

"H-He won't hate you forever, mijito." My mama smiled, weakly.

I bit the tip of my tongue and forced a smile.

"I gotta go now, I love you." I said, getting up from her bed.

"Goodnight, I love you." My mama smiled back.

I left the room in a hurry, eager to see Kellin. We had been doing really good these past two weeks. We were still broken up but simply knowing that there was a chance, was making it easier to get through everyday. I also spent a lot of time with Max. He still hadn't met my mama, but he'd be meeting her soon. Things with Max were...confusing. I knew I loved him. But somehow, my heart still remained stuck on Kellin, and I was eager to keep our love alive. We couldn't be over, there was no way. I just wish I could let go of Max, but I know I'd feel lost without him. Kellin didn't want me to stay friends with Max and I understood why. I think I'd do the same in his situation. I think it's whats holding him back from taking me back.