Heal // z.m

41 | painful days & birthday gifts

Zayn

Staring at the ceiling, I tried to ignore the uncomfortable feeling that my body was giving me. I couldn't turn on my left side, neither on my right side. The cause of being stuck on sleeping on my back was that every bone, every joint and every muscle hurt. My body was glowing- I was sure there were many red spots on my skin everywhere.

The heat was killing me, but once I tried to move away the covers, the cold air would hit my skin and gave me a really uncomfortable feeling. I had to stay underneath the covers, no matter how bad I wanted to cool off. Thirst was taking over, but I couldn't get out of bed because I was in too much pain. I was nauseous, but couldn't get a bowl, I needed to pee, but I couldn't walk over to the toilet.

Stuck like a helpless guy in my own bed, I glanced around me, praying that the nurses would come soon. It was too early, the sky was still dark from the night and the other patients were still asleep for as far as I could hear. I knew I could press onto the help button that was next to my bed, but I knew it wasn't Caroline that was working the night shift. For some reasons, I was way more comfortable with the thought that she would help me, instead of somebody else.

Yeah, it had been my own fault. I was a fool to think I would be fine still once I took less pills. I had been feeling okay, I thought my body would be able to handle it- but it couldn't. The unbearable pain was caused because of me, because I didn't take the pills. The heat and glowing was because I did take that pill and the side effect was worse because the other pills, which I was supposed to take but didn't do, would always suppress the bad side effects.

I was disappointed in myself. Disappointed because I didn't take the pills, but mostly because I underestimated my own body. I thought I could handle it, but clearly, I couldn't. It proved to myself how weak I actually was without all my medication.

Sighing deeply, I stared at the ceiling. At least I had enough time to clear up my mind, having many lonely conversations with myself at night. It were my thoughts against my feelings, a complete storm having taken over the past few days. It had made me feel extremely low, but I had finally gotten control over it and slowly but surely pushed all the negative thoughts aside.

The ache in my heart that came when Nathan had left the earth was still present- I missed him so much. If there was anything that I could wish for right now, then it would be that I could spend one last day with him. I'd empty my heart about Rose, ask him for advice. He would know what to do, he knew that I was going to fall for her after all. I still didn't understand how, but it didn't matter. He was right. I needed him, but he wasn't there.

Caroline had helped me a lot when it came to my feelings about Nathan. She knew the right questions to ask, triggering my emotions but it was good to let everything out- I was a master in keeping things for myself, until I'd explode. I was more than relieved after our conversations, she almost felt like a psychologist.

She told me that the nurse had been fired after the incident of her slapping me. Apparently, I hadn't been the only patient she had been treating like dirt. I knew Nathan hadn't ever liked her for the same reasons as mine. I'm sure he would be relieved that she was gone, if he had been alive.

I was still processing what she had done to me- it didn't get to me until like a day later. Luckily Caroline had been there to talk to.

Slowly moving my head, I glanced at the clock. Three hours until I would see Rose again, making me feel excited as I hadn't seen her since Wednesday- it was Monday today. I knew she would be able to make me forget about the pain, something I surely needed at this very moment.

Closing my eyes, I slowly drifted off into a deep slumber, not waking up after the five hours that had followed after.