White Gold *Completed*

Can't Let You Go

I'd tasted heartache many a time before, but nothing like this. This was crippling. The weight of suffocating depression was my constant companion.

I woke up from nightmares and dreams of loneliness, to remember that nothing had changed from the world of dreams to reality. My bed was empty, the house was cold and quiet without her there. Something was missing. Always missing.

The only company I had were the ghosts of my regret; the hounds of my horrible betrayal.

I didn't care about myself- I deserved every second of this because I knew it was only half of what I'd put Nix through. This pain was keeping me alive, trying to endure this pain for her. It was all my fault that she was broken and angry.

She had every right to be. It didn't feel like one of those moments where telling the truth 'set me free;' I never wanted to be. I knew that telling Nix would result in losing her, but it had bee selfish to keep leading her on the way I did.

For months, while she slaved away at college, I slept with Sauli and even Lauren on the side.

A world away, where she trusted me to be loyal and faithful yet I never thought twice about it.

I just cheated more and more, all the time, never giving it up.

Sauli became my crutch; but slowly I saw him fall into the same hole I'd dug for myself. We both knew it was wrong and that we were breaking more than just Nix's heart. We knew the risks.

And Sauli admitted it first. I didn't deny that deep down, I may have felt the same. The first consequence had betided us: love. Poisonous, addicting, consuming but precious, rare and beautiful.

Something I no longer believed in.

There is no love at first sight, only lust. There's no unconditional or blind love. Just a stupid, painful thing our minds create. A chemical imbalance.

A chemical romance, if you will.

But the show must go on, my career couldn't just stop because my world had ceased to turn.

But concerts had to be played, money made, questions to be answered and I wanted no part of it. I didn't want to talk to anyone-not  even Tommy, and he never called. Not Sauli, who was desperate to hear from me.

When the pain became too much, I didn't even show up at the studio, didn't bother with my weekly singing lessons; they were pointless anyway. Hard for the teacher to be outranked by their student and have them expect to learn from it.

I eventually canceled everything. TV appearances, live shows, radio, everything. I just didn't care anymore. I shut everyone out because they were too nosy and annoying.

But they finally got the message, for the most part.

Up in my room, where the curtains were always drawn, I kept a picture of Nix, it was cracked- she had evidently thrown it at the wall before leaving.

My life spiraled out of control because of my mistakes. But they weren't really mistakes, were they? That made it sound like it was an accident, possibly fixable. I had chosen it and this was to be expected. And now life was bleak-the music was gone; it left when she did.

All I heard, either by text, call, or email was:

Adam, you need to get to work before you run out of $

Before album sales drop! C'mon, man!

Please, Adam. You need to get back into the world.