Love Me (Normani)

Chapter 12

"Your hand fits in mine like it's made just for me. But bear this in mind, it was, meant to be. And I'm joining up the dots with the freckles on your cheeks. And it all makes sense to me...I know you've never loved, the crinkles by your eyes when you smile. You've never loved your stomach or your thighs, the dimples in your back at the bottom of your spine. But I'll love them endlessly. I won't let these little things, slip out, of my mouth. But if I do, it's you. Oh it's you, they add up to. I'm in love with you, and all these little things You can't go to bed without a cup of tea. And maybe that's the reason that you talk in your sleep. And all those conversations are the secrets that I keep though it makes no sense to me. I know you've never loved, the sound of your voice on tape. You never want to know how much you weigh, you still have to squeeze into your jeans, but you're perfect to me. I won't let these little things slip out, of my mouth. But if it's true, it's you. It's you, they add up to. I'm in love with you, and all these little things. You'll never love yourself half as much as I love you. And you'll never treat yourself right darlin' but I want you to. If I let you know, I'm here, for you. Maybe you'll love yourself like I love you, oh. And I've just let these little things slip, out, of my mouth. 'Cause it's you. Oh it's you. It's you they add up to, and I'm in love with you, and all these little things. I won't let these little things, slip, out, of my mouth. But if it's true, it's you. It's you, they add up to. I'm in love with you, and all your little things." Lauren sang to the broken girl in her arms as they lay in her bed in the late hours of the night. Normani moved for the first time in hours to lightly kiss her jawline before she settled her head back on her chest. "You know I actually hate tea." Lauren laughed loudly at Normani's sudden words, making the girl laugh with her. "Sorry, didn't mean to ruin it." Lauren couldn't reply between her laughs and wiped her eyes with a smile. "Oh my god. That was brilliant." Normani grinned cheesily. "Normani," Uh oh, that's never good. "I need to ask you something." "Okay.." Normani trailed nervously. "My..my bathroom smelled of vomit when I went to brush my teeth..did you.." The way Normani bowed her head in shame told her that her suspicions were correct. "I'm really sorry." She croaked. "Don't beat yourself up. I know it'll take time." "You-you're not mad?" "I'm more upset." "Sorry." Normani apologised again. "No, not at you. I'm upset that you're doing this to yourself, that you're hurting your body like this." Normani closed her eyes and then she felt Lauren cuddle up to her for a change. "I'm trying, I promise I am." Normani said sadly. "I know." Lauren mumbled. "Me too." Lauren buried her face in Normani's neck and kissed it sweetly. "I love you." She whispered gently. Normani reached down for her friend's hand and lightly traced hearts on the inside of her palm. "It hurts to speak." Normani whispered her explanation. "Why?" Lauren questioned. Normani moved her hand to her stomach as a hint, Lauren after a few seconds picked up on it. The acid from her stomach burned her throat. Depending on how much she had purged that day, she would sometimes lose her voice and damage it. "Do you want some water babe?" Lauren asked, trying to hide her sadness. Normani nodded slightly. It scratched and burned her throat to speak, but she felt another harsh hunger pang making her actually double over in pain. "Mani? What's wrong?" She gave up, fuck stupid water, she couldn't take it. She reached for her phone and typed a message out.
"Have you got any low fat yoghurt?"
Lauren nodded, thank God her father was on a diet. "Yeah, I'll get you some." Lauren returned with the yogurt, a small spoon and a glass of water. "I thought you'd like strawberry best, it's my favourite flavour." Lauren said as she peeled the lid off for her friend. Normani delved in and closed her eyes in relief when the yoghurt soothed her throat, but as a result of feeling food in her mouth, she gagged. Normani kept her mouth firmly shut and cupped a hand over it. She was determined not to throw up, for once in her life. "Here." Lauren said, handing her the glass of water quickly. Normani gulped a few sips down and sighed with relief. "Better?" Lauren asked hopefully. Normani nodded and Lauren was pleasantly surprised when she started to eat the yoghurt again. She smiled and watched with pride. Normani found herself struggling towards the end of the small pot. "You don't have to finish it if you don't feel well Mani, don't force yourself. Your stomach will have shrunk from fasting." Normani shook her head. "No, I want to." She said seriously but shakily. Lauren put a supportive hand on Normani's knee and smiled. "I know you can do it." It's just a couple of spoons left, you've got this. It's low fat yoghurt, it's healthy. You need something. She convinced herself. Lauren watched proudly as her friend put the last spoonful in her mouth, she couldn't seem to swallow though. Lauren handed Normani the glass of water again and she gulped it down, helping the yoghurt go down with it. Normani breathed out shakily, as if she had just come out of a scary maze. Lauren took the yoghurt cup, put it to one side and pulled the girl into a hug. "I'm so proud of you babe." She whispered, on the verge of happy tears. Normani fought tears back, she was so conflicted. A part of her was reminding her she did the right thing, the rational part of her. The other unhealthy part of her was screaming to purge it up before it was too late. But when Lauren held her and rubbed her stomach to soothe it, she felt safe. She felt better. The bad voices started to dissipate. "Thank you Lauren." She sighed with relief, a lone tear rolling down her cheek. "Wait am I actually helping?" The girl asked her, surprised. Normani nodded. "A lot." "I was just improvising, but I'm glad. Just tell me when you want me to stop." Normani shook her head. "No. I don't want you to. Don't stop." Lauren wiped the tear from her cheek with her thumb and kissed the top of her head. "What're you thinking?" Normani shrugged slowly. "Stuff." She mumbled. "Talk to me Mans, if you keep it to yourself you'll never get better." "Like you said, it's gonna take time." Lauren smiled sadly. "Why don't we go out somewhere tomorrow after school?" Normani looked up and eyed her suspiciously. "Where?" "Uhm, what about a theme park fair thing? There's a traveling one not too far from us." A Fair. Fairs have food. Lots of fattening food. Corn dogs. Candy-floss. Sweets. Burgers. Pizza. "Mani, relax, you're breathing too fast. Talk to me." Lauren rubbed her back reassuringly. "I won't make you do anything you don't want to." Normani took a calming breath, fiddling with her fingers nervously. "You promise?" "Yes. Haven't I proved that to you already?" Normani bowed her head. "I'm sorry." "It's alright, I'm just trying to distract you. Getting out of the house usually makes me feel better, I'm hoping it'll do the same for you." "School is out the house." "That doesn't count smartass." Normani chuckled and bit her lip. "Do I have to go home? It's been like a week now." "I mean, you can if you want to. You'll always have a place here if you need it." Normani thought about it and nodded. "I want to try, I miss my bed. I want to see if anything's changed." Lauren ruffled her hair. She didn't dare to tell Normani, but she was slowly gaining a little more weight. Every now and then, she would eat something. Even if it was something small. Normani would try and look for a scale as much as she could get away with, but Lauren caught her more often than not. Even when she wasn't caught, her searches came up empty. "It's not healthy for you to check obsessively, it's not how you'll recover." Lauren would say when she found her friend looking. "Normani, in the morning I'm gonna need you to do something. But you need to trust me." Lauren said seriously. Normani nodded hesitantly. "What is it?" "You'll see. Go to sleep now." Normani nodded and closed her eyes, she was too tired to argue with the girl. Morning came around and Lauren crawled out of bed sleepily. She turned her alarm off and woke Normani up. It was handy she was groggy in the mornings. She had everything set up, she was going to get Normani on a scale. Normani saw the object on the floor, and she was almost excited, she was kind of scared though. "I'm making this very clear, before you get on." Normani almost forgot Lauren was by her side. "You're not going to see the number." Normani deflated. "But-" Lauren held her cheeks and stroked them gently. "I told you, you need to trust me. Do you trust me?" Normani did trust her, but she really needed to see those numbers. "I have to see them." Normani whined. "I thought you'd say that..Again," Lauren said as she got something from the cupboard. "You have to trust me." Before Normani knew it, she'd been tightly blindfolded. "What-Lauren!" She protested. "Shh, it's for the best. I'm doing this to help you, always remember that I'm doing this for you." Normani gave up fighting and accepted the blindfold around her eyes and Lauren's tight grip on her hands. "Can you see anything in front of you?" Lauren waved her hand in front of her face but Normani didn't notice. "Okay. Step up." Lauren waited for the number to stop and took note of it. 93lbs. She inhaled sharply, Normani had gained weight. She knew that. But she could only imagine what she was before then. She weighed just about as much as a 13 year old girl, and she was 16. Normani was nowhere near healthy, and she needed professional help. But Lauren was trying, she wanted to try. It was the right thing to do as a friend. She would go to the library and do some research, she'd ask professionals personally. She would do anything if it meant helping the brown eyed beauty. Lauren hid the scale for the time being and knowing Normani would look for it, she would have to hide it properly somewhere else later. "What was it?" Normani asked desperately. "You know I can't tell you that babe." Lauren said, untying the blindfold carefully. Normani's face crumpled and Lauren pulled her into a hug, stroking her back soothingly. "I'm sorry, I know the urge must be powerful and overwhelming, but I'm only trying to look after you." "I know, it's just stuck in my head, all this time I've monitored-I have to see." She croaked, holding back a sob since it was early in the morning. "Shh, I know it's hard for you. Well, I don't, I can only really imagine what it is you're going through." Normani took a few calming breaths and pulled herself away from Lauren. "We should get ready for-for school." Lauren watched sadly as her friend walked away from her with an heartbroken expression on her face. She wanted to apologise to her, but she wasn't sorry, because she knew she did the right thing for her. Normani didn't speak to Lauren as they got ready for school and walked together. Normani took some comfort in the exercise, at least that was something. Even if it was a short walk, it was burning some of the calories she had consumed, even if it was minimal. Lauren tried to reach for her hand or link their arms, but much to Lauren's dismay, the dark skinned girl wouldn't let her touch her. Lauren looked down and swallowed the lump in her throat. Not once had she cried in this whole process of helping Normani. She knew it wasn't her place, it wasn't her right. Normani didn't notice how hard Lauren was finding it, she wasn't feeling the pain as much as Normani was. She knew that. She didn't think Normani did though. She was so wrapped up in herself. Lauren didn't blame her, she was sick in the head, it wasn't her fault. They were at school, and before they parted ways, Lauren had to ask the girl something. "Are you staying with me or going home tonight?" Normani already knew her choice. She had her own scale at home, of course she was going home. "I'm going home. I'll pick up my stuff before I go though." "Okay, so I'll wait for you after class-" "No, don't. I'll drop by your house whenever I do." Lauren's heart broke. "Are-Are you mad at me?" Normani looked down at her feet. She didn't want to say yes, but her silence spoke for her. Lauren exhaled shakily. "Right. Well, I'll see you later.." Lauren excused herself miserably. She went to find Camila, but she wasn't there by her locker like Lauren had anticipated she would be. She walked further down the hall and looked across. Of course. She stood by Austin's locker with said boy, they were making out. From what she could remember the half unappealing couple had been together for around 4 months now. Austin of course was the unappealing one. Camila deserved so much better...Normani deserved better too.