Attention Truelove

Chapter 20

"What?" she demands.

"Vida reached out to me the other day, the same day as all the Jade stuff actually. Said she wants to reconnect and stuff. I told her I would text her. I haven't by the way, not yet anyway."

"Not yet?"

"Obviously I don't like her like that, but she was a good friend, before... before it all went bad between us. I could really use a friend, with you gone halfway around the globe and all..."

Aphrodite sighs and turns away from me.

"If you don't want me to hang around her I won't," I say.

"Sometimes I can't stand you," she shakes her head.

I wait for her to go on.

"You're so-" she turns to face me. "Why are you like this? Why are you so wishy-washy? Such a pushover, always bending backward for people who walk all over you. Sometimes I really just want to-" she doesn't finish her sentence and instead gets up off the bed with a huff.

I stare down at the ground.

She puts her hands on her hips and faces away from me, clenching her jaw while she shakes her head at the wall.

"Why did you hide that from me?" she asks.

"I didn't want you to freak out," I mumble.

"Bullshit."

"I knew you would get jealous," I look up to defend myself.

"Why would I get jealous if she means nothing to you!? Don't you have more faith in yourself? In me?"

"No," I say honestly.

She's stunned into silence.

I get up and face her, looking her dead in those gorgeous auburn eyes.

"I fuck up, a lot. I don't have faith in myself. Just when I finally have a good thing going; I always manage to mess it up. I get scared, confused, and overthink everything. In my mind, it's a chain reaction, I tell you about Vida, you get mad, I promise not to fuck it up, I fuck it up anyway, I try to hide it to spare you, you find out... that's how the story usually goes. It's not you... it's me." I look down again.

She reaches out and caresses my cheek.

"I need an anchor," I say. "Someone willing to give me constant attention. Without one, I feel so lost, so unseen, so...hollow. Like I've lost my reason to go on."

"That's pathetic," she says harshly.

"I know," I say softly.

"But not unfixable."

I look up to meet her eyes. They are soft, kind, endearing. It warms something inside of me. I wish I could stay looking into her eyes forever.

"Therapy, and I do mean lots of it, can help you, Skylar. Help you get over these impossible walls and obstacles you've made for yourself. I'm not ashamed to say I got therapy after all that high school stuff went down. It really helped me get over my more toxic and unhealthy tendencies, and see things in a new light. I think it can help you too."

"I want that, I want help." I plead.

"We can get it for you." She says.

I force a small smile.

She leans in and places a soft sweet kiss on my lips. I close my eyes and breath her in, wrapping my arms around her, anchoring myself to her.

"Promise me," she pulls back ever so slightly to speak. "Promise me when something like this comes up again you'll tell me," she whispers.

"I promise," I say before kissing her again.

She pulls back before things can get too heated. I can tell she's still pissed at me. Not like I don't deserve it. I sigh and look down.

"I'm going to start looking for some resources, some therapist near here. Try and find you a really good one. Don't worry about paying for it, I'll cover the cost. I just... I need you to get better Skylar." She says while looking at her phone.

"Okay," I say.

She looks up at me then.

"Whatever you need, I'll do it," I promise.

She looks worried like that was the wrong thing to say. Like I have a 60 in the class and one more badly graded paper will make me fail. Maybe I'm just one more fuck up away from her dumping me for real.

Without another word she walks out of the room to do some research, leaving me alone.

I sit down on my bed and stare at the ground...letting the numbness settle in once more.

Deep down I know.

I know what Aphrodite and I have, won't last. Can't last. She... She wants me to be someone I am not. She thinks I am a better person than I actually am. I want to be that for her, I want to prove her right. But I don't know if I can.

I know I should end it now before things get too deep, too serious.

But I can't.

I've never been good at the letting go part.

I have a feeling I'll never be.