Rain POV
"Baby i understand that I am just saying, you don't have to be rude." I sighed.
"I am not being rude, you are being rude."
"I am not being rude I am just saying, you look good without makeup. You look good in your natural state." He sighed.
"Well I feel better with my make up done and my hair is done. Please don't start that bullshit." He scoffed.
"I have always said this so I don't know what's the problem now." He sighed.
"Because is gets fucking annoying that you say it everytime I get dressed."
"Your mouth is too fucking much! Because you are having a bad day don't try to take that shit out on me. I'm not that doormat you had before. You try to make it seem like he was the fucking problem, that man is way too nice to you for it to have been his fault. You are the problem and how you talk to people and how you treat people. This is the third night in a row that you just have been blatantly disrespectful and acting like a fucking spaz. I am a grown ass man I don't have to deal with this shit. When I was saying it to you before it was all smiles and giggles, and I say it to make you feel better. You think you're ugly you are not ugly, but you have been ugly on the inside for so long that you don't even know what the truth is. I am so upset that I allowed myself to play into your game. That i allowed myself to be apart of you destroying that man. I should have never been messing with an engaged woman. Now I feel like I owe you something because I ruined your relationship, but let's be honest, you ruined your relationship. You have been being so fucking mean to me for these last three days I can only imagine how you treated him." He looked around for something
" you don't know shit about what happened between me and my fiancé."
" I know everything that happened between you and your EX fiancé, or at least, what you tried to portray. You try to make it seem like that man was so fucking horrible, and he verbally abusing you, neglecting you and that wasn't the case at all. what the fuck is wrong with you? You have been invited me over here for the last few days. Just ruined my fucking day. I have never done anything to you but try to show you something that you claimed you aren't getting at home. You know what... I'm not gonna keep forcing myself to be around you and you make me feel bad about myself. I'm gone." He grabbed her keys.
" so I got dressed up for this date you're just gonna leave?"
"Bye Rain." He walked out the room.
I miss my fucking man, I don't know why I did this shit. We have nothing in common, we don't have fun because he hangs around 19 year olds and 18 year olds. I miss being held, I miss being loved, I miss having fun times with Marquis.
I am on a new page in life, and I understand that I just have to let him go. I caused this damage to myself and I have to let him go but damn I can't help regretting it. I like Jaiden don't give me wrong, the sex is phenomenal. When we are alone with just him and I, we have very deep discussions, but it doesn't get past that. He's always so serious and everything is about stuff that I don't care about. I just want to have fun and I am really starting to realize how much fun me and Marq had. Whether it was over the phone or just dancing and playing around the house. Cooking together and the sex with him was phenomenal too. It just wasn't consistent. It wasn't a every day thing and for some reason the only time I feel really beautiful is in that type of intimate situation. The fact that he didn't have energy to touch me felt like he didn't want to touch me because he didn't make time to touch me and that made me feel horrible. I could've just told him that instead of doing what I did and now I'm assed out.
I just got bored for a second, and I ruined my whole future. We had so many plans together. We started the process of making our lives one and I just threw that away for something temporary.
This fast life, single life is not fun at all. It was fun when I was with Chris but it's not fun anymore. I am totally over the idea of me and Chris being together ever again, because like I said before plenty of times in life, the way he lives is not how I see myself living. And I am now able to rest in that, and accept it. I need to stop, forcing myself to feel entitled over his life. Chris was always a great person to me, that's why I kept going back, and I feel like a lot of the things that I said was to convince myself to hate him, but I couldn't. I am just now realizing that I don't have to hate him, I just have to move on. Yes he did get Miyomi pregnant but I have to realize we weren't together, their were. We were never together and it had a lot to do with me and my fear of commitment. The fear of feeling trapped with no escape. It's plenty of times where I could've just told him hey, let's do this but I didn't. I always was prepared to just leave. One day I just left, and I know I hurt him, but we hurt each other. I definitely feel like if we gave it a true try it would have went totally different. But it is what it is we were young. I'm not mad at him I actually admire the person he is and how he is so in love with Nijay. And I don't feel any type of way about her- well anymore- because I know if I allow myself to receive what he had to offer I would've got the same treatment. I would have if everything wasn't so complicated on both of our parts we could've gotten to that point. It's not about how she looks, it's not about that or anything like that. It's about reaching that point of love.
I am over all this shit. I am in a point of life where I just want what I had and I realized it too late. Yes I have been in a very shitty mood but it's because I want my man. I may have been very harsh on Jaiden unintentionally though. I am not doing it on purpose.
When everything calms down and I come to a stop, I realize how much shit I dragged Marq through. Even in the beginning, though weird obsession that I had with Chris was so fucking ridiculous and I dragged him through it all. He tried so hard to grasp me and hold me and it's like I'm fighting against his love. He wasn't the person I wanted it from essay moment, which was really sad because he has nothing but love to give and I really hurt him. what I used to say Chris was I became. that showed me that it was all in my head.
He did not deserve any of that, neither did Nijay or Chris in a way I definitely feel like I fucked up a lot of shit around me when I was going through my tornado. I fucked up everything. It was a phase of mine where I was all for myself and protecting myself, and I really fucked a lot of people over.
