" I am not selfish. And you are right I don't want to see you happy without me. So what? I'll get over it but I'm not over it now." I nodded.
" you don't have to be over it but you will deal with it. You have no choice unless you don't wanna be around me." She scoffed.
" I don't have to deal with shit."
"Yes you do, I want you around me and I love you. But I'm not gonna wait for you. I waited eight months and we still aren't back together." I shrugged. " we are great friends and that is amazing. That is all I ask for as of right now. You are happy and I am happy. That should be enough for the both of us if we really loved each other how we felt like we didn't"
"Blah blah blah bullshit." She rolled her eyes making me laughed. " I ain't trying to hear none of that shit. I love you too and I am grateful that we are getting back on track but I still don't want you all cheesy and happy with no other bitch. It is what it is. One because we weren't that happy together. Two you better treat them bitches just how you treated me."
"And how was that? How did I treat you. The way you talk you would think I dragged you through the mud and cheated on you with 1 million bitches and killed your dog. Did you ever think that maybe you weren't happy?Maybe you didn't really like me, I was probably the first guy that was genuine to you and you felt like you had to do it. Maybe you don't like guys like me and that is okay even understandable. It was probably more of a lust thing for you. Because you didn't really want me for anything else but sex. I used to sit back and think about that all the time. It was certain things that you would do and say while we were arguing or even when you were drunk..." I sighed. " that is why I know that Mark is more of your speed. You made it clear plenty of times that my lifestyle and the life I live isn't what you want."
" I was content with you. I was satisfied, you gave me a family, you gave me comfort, love, emotional support, shit even financial support when I needed it."
"But I didn't really give you happiness." I looked at her and she seemed in thought. " I could also blame that on the drama that came with me. Miyomi, the baby... that is really the only thing that I can think of that may have ended this relationship. After you told me you would never forgive me for that I knew that you were telling the truth."
We sat in a silence.
"When did you stop liking me?" She looked at me.
"I love you."
"I mean I know that and I love you too but when did you stop liking me? Love and like is two different things."
"I don't know, maybe after the baby situation. I don't know I just never saw myself being a stepmom. And it didn't help that Miyomi was making my life a living hell. Of course that will cause division with us, naturally." I nodded. " I thought my love for you could fix everything. I thought it could fix all of our problems. Change you or help you realize that the life I wanna live is the right life."
" how do you feel like I treated you?" I looked at her.
" Honestly, I don't know. From my experiences you treated me amazing. I have a lot of great memories with you. Before and after we became intimate but something in feels like it was half ass when it came to us. I haven't had enough experience to make a good judgment but I don't know something about it just didn't feel whole to me."
"Yeah, we definitely had our ups and downs. But one thing I wanna make very clear to you is I never cheated on you, I never talk crazy behind your back and I still have nothing negative to say about you. It wasn't any type of agendas or intentions on my part. I loved you with all my heart. I just didn't know how to love but that doesn't give me the excuse to make you feel like I half assed our relationship. I spent most of it trying to figure out how do you do this? How do you become you know... Partners. I apologize from the bottom of my heart for putting you through that. I am sorry about everything that caused you pain. In all the issues in our relationship was my fault. Because of the girl that I chose to deal with before you it traveled into our relationship- well let me stop the relationship because you don't believe that we were in a relationship." She sighed. "No, don't stress about it, it's true I should've verbally ask you to be my girlfriend. It is not your fault at all for how you feel because I made you feel that way. If I didn't give you reasons to feel that way you wouldn't of felt that way. I do want you to understand that I did and do love you. I was deeply in love with you and it was so much shit going on I failed to make you realize it. I should've definitely did more to make you realize it." She started to cry and I sighed.
I probably fucked her up and I didn't even realize it. She is so different now, I don't even know what I was doing. What did I do? This can't just be because of the abortion because we both revealed she wanted the abortion just as much as me if not more.
That alone let me know that she didn't really see a future with me. She didn't want a child with me, I feel like it was just because she was with me but she- when she meets the right person she will want a kid.
