She Wasn't You

Chapter 30

2002

Katy and I kept our distance for a while after that walk home. I wasn't willing to risk what I had with Sarah and certainly wasn't going to jeopardise you friendship or mess up any potential future with you by going with one of your best friends. You wouldn't ever look at me again.

I had morals - Who knew?

As my exams grew closer, we did skillet start to become somewhat normal with each other, we would stop for a chat when we passed each other. The PE lessons were fun, I had given up the orienteering by that point and reverted back to playing football. As nice as it was spending time in the same lesson together, the map and compass never really had my heart like a football did.

I think you realised that we were coming to the end of our time together. Next year, I'd be in college and you'd be stuck here for another year, without me, without seeing each other every day as we had for the last 4 years. Were you going to miss me? Because I was going to miss you more than you could ever imagine.

Our lives were about to change massively in just a couple of weeks, we'd soon be taking different paths and I just hoped and prayed at the end of each path would be a crossroads where we could meet once more and ride of towards the sunset of life together, taking the world on as one.

I loved you.

I was under no illusion that there would be other women in my life before then. Sarah and I also faced the same challenges. Different colleges, different people, endless possibilities and temptation from others. We weren't going to last but for now, we were okay.

~~~

You helped my mental health so much during my exams. You were always there when I was stressed out, always available through phone calls and texts when I was at home racking my brain, studying for hours on end, into the early hours. You made the effort to stay awake with me and help me through. You didn't need to do that. You had your own school work to worry over, you didn't need to take on some of my pressures too but I loved that you were there for me, even if it was just purely friendship vibes. I was happy to have you again.

We would spend our Saturdays in 'our park' we would reminisce about the 'good old days' where we had no pressure of exams or life changing events on the horizon. The times we were pure and innocent and trying to figure out who we were.

I mean we still were, we had no idea what was coming towards us but just having you there on a park bench beside me helped me push all my worries and concerns away. I lived for the moment when we were together, nothing else mattered.

Typically, you were newly single at this point but I was still with Sarah. Were you trying to get back in? Or was it safer to be around me when I was in a relationship? Without the risk of putting this new friendship at risk. Did you prefer it this way?

We would laugh and joke for hours. We never spoke about my relationship with Sarah which was quite telling, you didn't want to know because you knew it would hurt. Did you like having me to yourself as much as I did having you to myself? You hated the thought of me with someone else, didn't you?

We would sing terribly along to Britney Spears on your CD Walkman. Your dance moves and high pitch squealing would cause my face to ache, the pain in my stomach from laughing so much almost unbearable but you didn't care, you didn't care who was watching or listening. You looked free, you were loving the moments you were in and you never looked more beautiful than when you looked free.

But then the sun would go down, the evening chill would kick in and that was our queue to part ways once more. I'd always walk you home but we never attempted that kiss again, it was all very innocent and pure. We were friends. Just friends. We knew not to blur those lines again.

I knew I had lost your heart but I gained you as a friend and as long as I had you in my life, I would always walk home with a smile in my heart.

Life always felt better when you were in it.

~~~

Then the day came. My final day at school, do you remember it?

My heart sank when the final bell rang to signal the end of my school days, it was time to grow up. Part of me excited to start the next chapter of my life, the other part of my scared that this was it, we had come to the end of the first path of life together.

Would we ever reach that crossroads?

My entire year group ran from our classes and congregated around in the courtyard in the middle of the school.

Tears were flowing, hugs were being given thrown around everywhere, some people looked relieved it was all over, others looked terrified. It was a weird afternoon. Many of us would never see each other ever again, others like Danny and I were friends for life, I had no doubts about that.

Shirts were being signed, leaving messages for one another on our final school shirt, it was a moment we had all been looking for. It was a school ritual on the final day to get your shirt signed as a keepsake for life.

I had a group of people surrounding me, signing away without any clue what was being written but I didn't care. Each message meant something to me and I couldn't wait to get home to read them all properly.

During all of this commotion, my eyes were searching for one person in this sea of people but you were nowhere to been seen.

Couldn't you face it? Had you left without saying goodbye? Without leaving me a memento on my shirt? Surely you had something to write? Even just one last embrace, a hug, a kiss on the cheek? I needed you more than ever right now.

Where were you?

"Tommy. Come on. We're all going."

As the crowd of my year group headed to the exit for one final time, I stood still, waiting. Waiting for you to come to me.

We had all decided to head down to Oxford Street after school, the teachers had very kindly organised us a load of tables at a pizza restaurant. Under supervision, obviously. One final get together as a year group before we split for the last time. It was days like this that would live with us forever but I just needed you for this forever memory.

I waited for 5 minutes before giving up, I was so far behind the group, I had to catch up. I couldn't wait all day.

As I headed to the exit, I saw Danny waiting for me on the other side. I turned around as I heard my name being called from a distance.

"Tommy!"

I turned around excited but it wasn't who I was expecting.

"Katy. Hey."

She pulled out a marker pen. "Can I sign it?"

I smiled, she was the closest thing to you I was going to get.

She signed my shirt on the last remaining space before tip toeing beside me and kissing me on the cheek. "I'll miss you, Tommy."

That's all she said before turning around and running away. I didn't even look to read her message, I was an emotional wreck by that point.

I turned around to see Danny nodding towards me, throwing an arm around my shoulder. "Come on mate. Let's get out of here, she's not worth you getting upset over."

This is why I loved this boy like a brother, he knew what was wrong with me without having to ask, yet was always there for me when I needed someone. Friends like that are rare.

I turned my head around in hope but I looked to see an empty courtyard. I placed my arm around Danny's shoulder and we walked out of there for the final time as one.

That was it.
School life was over.

So were we.

***