Talking to myself- YeonBin

Chapter 23- I deserve it

SCHOOL
Author POV
A/N- Yes TaeGyu focus finally and of course our baby Kai
Contains mentions of self harm and eating problems. Please don't read if you are sensetive to these topics

School always brought hell to the boy's lives but today specifically seemed to suck more than any other day. Soobin still came to school despite his mother literally dying the day before like an absolute madman. Yeonjun was glued to his side permanently and Tae, Gyu and Kai had no idea about the events of the previous day. This was gonna be chaos for sure.

KAI POV-

'Last lesson of a long day. Just this one to go' I thought to myself as I glanced at the clock and back at the most boring maths lesson I've ever seen. Going to a performing arts school is all fun until you have to do these kinds of subjects. When am I gonna use any of this? The answer is never don't bother telling me. There was one reason why this lesson was better than the rest though. None of my friends were in it.

You see, since Tae and Beomgyu got together and I started feeling well, attracted to them both, I slowly distanced myself when I could. I don't want to face them. If I did I would end up outing myself. They would hate me, think I'm disgusting and never talk to me again.

AUTHOR POV-
A QUICK OVERVIEW OF KAI'S LIFE SINCE WE LAST SAW HIM

Since his conversation with his friends about feeling slightly wrong Kai's mental place had worsened extremely. He could face himself or his friends in any way. He turned to a life of avoidance, spending every living moment in his room with the door locked. His friends progressively got more and more worried for his mental health and warned him that he shouldn't be the way he was but Kai didn't listen. Since he figured out his feelings towards both Taehyun and Beomgyu he hasn't been able to sleep. He is disgusted that he even thinks of them that way. Not because he doesn't like them, definitely not, but because they are in a happy relationship. He doesn't see why he thinks he could be entitled enough to ruin that for them. He wasn't looking after himself properly anymore. He wouldn't eat often nor sleep well at night. He is so far into his pit of fear that he can't fathom a meaning to respect himself. That's how he got here.

BACK TO KAI POV-

Eventually the bell rang, another day gone without talking to them. During breaks I hide in the bathrooms, when I go home to my house Taehyun and Beomgyu are always there, they are dating after all, I simply shut myself in my room. They can't stop me.

I rushed out of the school building so I didn't get caught. I do feel bad for what I'm doing but there's no other way. I ran down the streets before anyone could catch me, reaching my front door before even thinking to breathe. I know I have to eat before they get home. That's another thing, through this avoidance I haven't been able to eat when I need to, I've managed to eat dinner on nights where Tae and Gyu go for dates and lunch at school but the rest of the time I'm running off of what I can get without any interaction. I rushed in grabbing anything I could see to eat. I didn't care what it was, I just knew I needed something to tide me over until lunch tomorrow.

I ended up in my room with a cup of instant ramen, the door locked. Quite frankly I don't think I deserve to eat. What I think is so disgusting that I can't face myself. I sat up on my bed facing the wall as I ate my ramen at a painfully slow speed. I looked up to face the wall, a mirror hung dead center which I had appeared to forget about.

As I looked up I saw someone I didn't recognise. My face looked sunken and tired, my arms and legs seemed frail. I looked exhausted. Painfully exhausted. My eyes started to tear up as I looked at myself when I heard footsteps below me coming through the door. There they were. The two I love, the two I can't have.