Update yayyyy :) I'm out of school, BTW, so the updates will be frequent again! However, I'm going to a concert tomorrow, to see Ed Sheeran, Little Mix, and Austin Mahone, so I won't be on all day. Eeeeep I'm so excited :)
Let me know what you think! xo
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Another month passed and it’s now the end of April. True to its word, April showers sure are happening, however it’s doubtful they’ll bring May flowers, since it’ll probably just rain in May too. Plus, when do you ever see flowers in Holmes Chapel, unless artificial? The saying should be, ‘April showers, bring May showers.” I feel like that’s more accurate, but who knows.
I hate to admit it, but Cameron and I have gotten really close since that day at the beach. Not dating close, but like best friends close. I’m not sure if that’s all he’s looking for with me, but that’s all I can give him.
I haven’t answered Harry since that day at the beach either. He responded, “The Inbetweeners, and it reminds me of you. xx”. So, hanging out with a girl at the beach and then lying about it reminds him of me? Cool. I ignored him since.
It’s not even the fact that he was with a girl at the beach, I mean, yeah it hurt a little, but he’s allowed to hang out with girls. He told me I could hangout with guys, so naturally, I can’t not let him be with other girls. However, he lied to me about it, and that’s what I didn’t like. If he were to text me and ask me what I was doing, I would have told him I was at the beach with Cameron, Scottie, and Mikey. I wouldn’t have deliberately lied about what I was doing, and then saying that the movie I was “watching” reminded me of him. That’s what made me mad. It hurt that he lied, and if he’s lying about this, what else could he be lying about?
Which is why I’ve been avoiding him. I graduate exactly a month from today and honestly, I wasn’t even looking forward to it anymore. I felt like I couldn’t trust Harry, and that’s something I need in a relationship. I don’t want to be second guessing everything like he’s making me do already, even before we’re officially dating. Do I want to be with someone who can so easily lie to me?
I’ve been doing things to distract myself from thinking about all of this, hence why I’ve become so close to Cameron. Scottie and Mikey make me feel like a third wheel, so I tend to stay away from them, unless I’m with Cameron. So basically, I invite him everywhere now. And I may or may not have developed a tiny crush on him.
It sucked though, because even though I felt like I was allowed to, especially since I don’t know how to feel about Harry anymore, I still felt guilty. I felt like I shouldn’t be hanging out with Cameron, let alone beginning to like him more than a friend. But I couldn’t help it. The more I hung out with Cameron, the more I forgot about Harry. Which I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing.
I was home alone right now for the first time in what felt like forever. I haven’t had nothing to do in so long, I’ve always occupied myself with something, and now here I am, laying on my couch in silence, thinking about everything that’s happened over the past month.
I hate to admit it, but I was thinking about skipping graduation. Part of me didn’t want to pursue a relationship with Harry after I graduate. I can’t forget the fact that he lied to me. I always told myself when I was little, that when I get a boyfriend, if I ever got one, I want him to be 100% honest with me all of the time. And Harry’s already lied to me even before our relationship started. So why start one? If he’s already lying, who’s to say he won’t lie in the future? And that’s what’s bothering the shit out of me. I don’t want to be with someone who I can’t trust, and I don’t think I can trust Harry anymore. So if I don’t show up to graduation, he’d get the message that I’ve moved on, and that I don’t want to be with him, right? Plus, what if he’s the one who decides not to show up? That would ruin the whole experience of my graduation, and I don’t think I want to go through with that.
And as much as I try to think of excuses for him lying to me, I can’t think of any. The only thing I can think of is he was with another girl, and he didn’t want to tell me. And that’s that.
But I was still very indecisive. If I don’t show up, and he does, then it’s over. Everything that we worked so hard to keep this year is done. Do I really want to do that?
I also feel like I should at least let him give me an explanation, but honestly, what is there to explain? He was with another girl and he lied to me about it.
And there’s also a part of me that thinks I’m overreacting. So what if he was with another girl? So what if he lied about it? People lie all of the time. Our entire relationship is a lie, because we can’t tell anybody about it without getting him fired. Lies are told everyday, so why let what we have be ruined because of a lie?
I honestly didn’t know what to do, and I was thankful that I still had a month to decide.
My phone went off and I looked down at it, my heart leaping at the name that popped up.
“One month. xxx” was what it said, and you can probably guess who it’s from.
Now I’m second guessing ever thinking about skipping graduation. I groaned, leaning my head back against the top of my couch, so I was looking at the ceiling. I threw my phone to the opposite side of the couch, not replying to him.
If I were to skip graduation, what would happen? I could go to New York early, rather than waiting for summer to be over. I could go up there and get myself situated.
Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. I got accepted to my dream college, New York University, where I will be studying to become a book publisher. Basically, it’s everything I’ve dreamt about since I was 8 years old, and I couldn’t be happier. Well, I could be, if the college were in England rather than America, but I couldn’t turn down the opportunity of this, especially since New York is the best place to become a book publisher. I had to do it. I still haven’t told Harry either, but I figure, if I’m gonna skip graduation, he won’t have to know anyways.
But anyways, yeah, if I were to skip graduation, I could start my life early. But I’d miss Scottie, Mikey, and even Cameron terribly, even though I’d be seeing him after the summer was over. I want to spend my summer with them, I don’t want to spend any unneeded time away from them.
Cameron is also going to a college in New York, believe it or not. He’ll be going to Columbia University, which is really close to NYU. What if I pursued a relationship with him? Not saying that I was going to, nor that I wanted to, but what if I did? He’s my age, and he’s moving to New York as well. We wouldn’t have to worry about the fucking law, or long distance. We’d have a normal relationship. But did I want that?
I really shouldn’t let myself be alone from now on. My mind goes into overdrive.
I picked my phone back up, debating on texting Harry back. I decided not to, opening a new message to Cameron instead.
“Wanna go do something?” I asked him, and was instantly met with a reply of, “Sure, I’ll pick you up.”
I patiently waited for the knock that would come when he arrived, and when it did, I jumped, not expecting it even though I was expecting it. Because that totally makes sense.
I got up, grabbing my purse and keys, before realizing I left my phone on the couch. I shrugged, deciding to leave it there, since I would have no use for it when I was with Cameron anyways. He’s really old fashioned, and his biggest pet peeve is when you’re on your phone while you’re hanging out with him.
I opened the door, and my breath hitched at the familiar curls and the piercing green eyes which were staring into mine.
My jaw dropped, not expecting him, and definitely not knowing what to say. I looked around him outside, just to make sure Cameron wasn’t here to witness a teacher on my front door step.
I grabbed his arm, pulling him inside, and trying not to focus on the fact that my hand was having contact with his arm. It’s crazy that these little things give me such a thrill.
“What?” He asked me with furrowed eyebrows, trying to peer outside the window next to my door.
“Cameron’s coming to pick me up, he can’t see you here!” I hissed at him, looking out the window, waiting for Cameron to pull in. He doesn’t live very far so I’m expecting him any minute now.
“Cameron? What do you mean, why not?” He asked, and I saw hurt flash his features, but before I could even register it, it was gone.
“You’re a teacher! If he sees you at a student’s house, how do you think that’s gonna look?” I asked him, crossing my arms. I didn’t know what I’d tell Cameron if he came. It’s my dad’s Range Rover in the driveway? Yeah, that’ll work.
“Well, why’s he coming over here anyways?” He frowned and I rolled my eyes. First he acts like he could care less about me going on a date with a boy, and now he’s wondering why I’m waiting for a boy? Make up your mind.
“Because we’re gonna go hangout, why do you care?” I grunted back in response, sounding a bit bitter.
“Oh, I, uh, I don’t,” he stated, scratching the back of his neck. He’s nervous, but why?
“Exactly,” I huffed, looking back out the window.
“Why are you ignoring my texts?” Harry asked me bluntly, and I looked over at him, not knowing what to say.
“I’ve been busy,” I simply responded, still not fully over the fact that he lied to me. He’s even wearing the same fedora and sunglasses right now that he wore that day at the beach. It’s not even sunny out today, why the fuck does he need sunglasses.
“With Cameron?” He asked in what sounded like a jealous tone, but it couldn’t be. Why would he be jealous? He was the one who gave me the free fucking pass to see other guys. Plus, he seems to have no problems hanging out with other girls. I feel like I’m overusing the F word right now. Sorry.
“Yeah,” I decided to reply, because I have mostly been busy with Cameron. Mikey and Scottie, too, but still.
He only nodded his head, stuffing his massive hands in his tiny pockets. It was quite comical, really, because only his fingertips would fit. I wanted to laugh, but decided it probably wasn’t the best time.
“Oh. Well, I better get going then, before he gets here, yeah?” He said awkwardly, and I just nodded my head, opening the door and making sure the coast was clear, before gesturing him outside.
“Bye,” I said softly, because I have missed him like crazy, regardless if he lied to me.
He waved, barely sparing me a glance before getting into his car and pulling out. He passed Cameron on the way out, and I knew Cameron noticed something was odd when he saw a Range Rover leaving my house.
Sure enough, he got out and walked to the already opened door where I was standing. With eyebrows scrunched up together in a way that reminded me of Harry, he asked, “Who was that?”
I shrugged, trying to act indifferent, “It was just my dad checking in on me.” He looked back at the car that was now turning out of my long driveway, not looking convinced.
He looked back at me, gesturing me in front of him and I walked my way to his car. I opened the passenger side door, hopping in and he closed the door for me before getting into the driver’s seat.
“Where do you wanna go?” He asked me and I shrugged.
“I dunno, wanna go see a movie or something?” I asked him and he nodded his head yes, a small smile adorning his lips.
“Movies it is,” he replied, turning up the radio slightly. We were a lot more comfortable with each other now then we were a month and a half ago, that’s for sure.
When we got to the theatre, he opened the door for me and I thanked him, walking ahead of him to the ticket counter.
“What movie do you wanna see?” He asked me as both of our eyes scanned the list of newly released movies.
“Hmmmm,” I thought as I read each title. I didn’t recognize any of them, except for Divergent, which I have no idea what it’s about, but since it’s the only recognizable one, I chose it. “Divergent?” I suggested, not wanting to demand that we see it.
“Two tickets for Divergent, please,” he said politely to the young girl, who from the looks of it, found Cameron quite attractive. I stifled a laugh at the girl, who couldn’t be older than 14, before she handed us two tickets and Cameron paid for them. I tried paying him back, but he insisted that he wanted to pay, so I reluctantly shoved my wallet back into my purse.
We went to the concession stand, and I ordered a large coke slushy and a box of Goobers, refusing to let Cameron pay for those. It was only $5, but it made me feel better to contribute to this date. Date? Whoa, where did that come from?
Cameron got a medium popcorn and a large coke, and I tried to pay for that as well, since he already paid for our $10 tickets, but he wouldn’t let me, throwing a $10 bill at the poor guy on the other side of the counter who had to witness our bickering.
After we grabbed our things, we walked to the designated theatre, and surprisingly, it was the same one as the one I went to with Hunter, Scottie, and Erica. Which then brought back unpleasant memories of Hunter, then leading me to remember running into Harry with Whitney. Back when we barely knew one another, and we were both on separate dates. The same thing is kind of happening right now, actually. We’re going on dates with anyone but each other. Let’s just hope the past doesn’t repeat itself and Cameron is nothing like Hunter.
We sat in the seats in the middle of the small, empty, theatre. It’s a Friday, but this movie has been out for weeks now, so I think everyone who already wanted to see it has already.
The previews started, and Cameron and I were silent, watching them wordlessly. I have no idea what Divergent is supposed to be about, but I know it’s really popular. Scottie and Mikey saw it at the midnight premiere when it first came out, and claim that it’s wayyyy better than the Hunger Games. I’ll be the judge of that.
I yawned, really tired since I got absolutely 0 sleep last night. Scottie spent the night, since Mikey couldn’t hangout, as I’m his second choice, and he kept me up all night. His defense was that he never sees me anymore and we need to spend some quality, one on one time together. And this could only be done at 3 in the morning, apparently.
Before I knew what was happening, Cameron’s arm came around my shoulders, resting on top and squeezing my body into his. The arm rest was digging into my side, so I pushed it up, however he thought that as an invitation to pull me even closer to him. I didn’t know what to do. Part of me wanted this. I wanted his arm around me, and I wanted to be close to him. But then the other part was scolding that half of me, saying that I only wanted it to be Harry that was doing it, not Cameron.
I didn’t know whether to let myself lean into him, or to lean away. At this point, I didn’t know what I wanted. As much as I was upset with Harry lying to me, I still wanted him. His arm was the only one I wanted around me. But I was surprised at how much I enjoyed Cameron’s arm around me. Was it because I miss Harry? Because being with Cameron this way reminds me of being with Harry like this? Or is it because I genuinely like like Cameron?
I can’t do this. It doesn’t feel right, and even if I did like like Cameron, I still loved Harry. And even if I decided to skip graduation, that didn’t mean I wanted a new boyfriend. I slowly got up.
“I, uh, I have to go to the bathroom really quick,” I stated, quite awkwardly. I grimaced at myself before turning around and practically speed walking out of the small theatre.
I quickly went to the bathroom, however it wasn’t so quick because I didn’t wanna go back in there, so I actually ended up taking my good old time. I wasn’t ready to face Cameron. I felt embarrassed of what I had just done, and I felt guilty. He’s such a good guy, yet here I was stringing him along in my problems. It’s not his fault that I can’t be with Harry until I graduate, so I shouldn’t lead him on. I shouldn’t pretend that I like him and that I want something more with him, it isn’t right.
But maybe I do want something more with him? He’s literally the ideal boyfriend. He’s polite, he’s cute, he’s my age, and he’s moving to New York, just like I am. So what’s the problem?
I can end everything with Harry by not showing up to my graduation. I can date Cameron and fall in love with him and forget all about Harry. I can forget about everything that happened this year. I can be with someone in a normal relationship.
But did I want that?