Your probably going to hate me for this but by lord i need to rant.
Have any of you watched teenwolf, if yes then you'll know how close the friendship group is.
I want that, i fucking want that and always have. All ive ever wanted is to be accepted, when i was younger i used to change myself in every possble way, even if i didnt like it in hopes that other people would. It took so long for me to accept myself, after being bullied for 3 years i literally had no self confidence. There wasnt an atom within me that thought I was worth anything. I know that lots of you have been through something similar, so you know how awful it feels when you sit beside people considered 'friends' and feel no connection with them, as though your watching a play sepersted by this invisible wall that you've.placed there yourself. At 12 years old i considered suicide because i felt as though I meant nothing to everyone. No one thought about me, i was just a passing figure and that they wouldnt even remember my name.
Then i stopped trying to be friends with the wrong people and i found my group. People i trusted wholehartedly and thought id venture into adult life with. Tye strangest thing was that when i found MY friends, the people i tried to impress then wanted to be friends with me. Then i moved schools. I moved because my new school provides better opportunities and connections. There is only 100 people in my year, everyone is imcredibly nice to your face. I dont mean that they bitch behind your back (a few do). What i mean is they'll be kind to you but after you've finished talking they wont give you another thought, unless your in their group of friends. (There clique amd they dont even realise it).
At this new school i made a few friends but it always feels like they dont care beyond school. I kept in touch with a few of my friends from high school. Ironically getting into a huge argument with one of my best friends because i wanted to stay in touch, we habent spoken since.
I had my best friend, i was happy, things were finally turning out good. Then she brought somone back into her life. As soon as she did i knew she wouldnt care about me anymore. That i would gradually get pushed away and replaced. Thats what fucking happened. At her 18th i tried reaching out only to get into a massive argument. ( including my twin sister).
I finally managed to resolve things with her but my sister didnt, we dont talk or see eachother anymore. She argues that my sister and I are a package deal. Were not ! My sister manages to keep her best friend without me. Ive spoken to her about this and it sounds like shes just given up and is happy without me.
It just keeps happening, i am replaced and forgotten for someone/something better. I honestly thought we'd be friends into adulthood. I miss her so much.
I honestly feel so isolated now. So alone. At lunch times i go to the study room as id rather be bored in there than feel alone with everyone else. I just want people i can trust. No. I want what i had, i know things change and that we have to accept it but for fuck sake, why does everyone else get to be happy !
Well now you all know, you know i am nothing to envy, you know that in reality i am a loser with no friends.
Any way i hope you all had an amazing christmas.
-jasmine