Chapter 14 Extinguisher
Noah's POV
I stayed in bed, tears pouring out of my eyes, my whole body shuddering and making me feel like a little girl who didn't have her way in the candy store. I couldn't believe what had happened. I couldn't believe that Lex could be so careless, so cruel. What I wanted was for her to come after me when I walked away. I wanted her to run after me, even though I was mad. Deep down, I knew some large part of my being needed her to come to me, apologize, kiss me, whatever! I just needed her and I still do.
My dad came into my room trying to get me to eat something, but I blew him off, rejecting his soup and ignoring every word he said. I couldn't eat. Just thinking about it made me want to puke my guts out. I'd paced around my room. I'd tried to study, but only ended up chucking my textbook across the room. So now, I laid down, thinking about a girl who was so obviously uninterested in me. My heartbeat stopped when my ringtone sounded through my bedroom. I freaked out even more when Lex's name appeared on the screen, flashing endlessly like a mantra. For a split second, I thought about ignoring it, but I couldn't. I couldn't even though I tried.
"Hello?"
"Noah..."
"Lex, I really just need time. Please just..." I sighed, trailing off; unable to verbalize any of the words I'd been going over in my head for hours.
"Noah, I'm sorry, okay? I didn't kiss Cole. He kissed me and I had every intention of pulling away, but you jumped to conclusions so fast. You...You obviously thought that I went back to him, but Noah...that's the last thing I want. He followed me around all day and I blew him off. I did, Noah. Now, I'm miserable because you got the wrong idea. You..."
"Oh, shit. Lex?"
"What?" she whispered into the phone, sounding so defeated, so sad.
"Come over...please."
"Okay." She whispered I drew in a shaky breath.
Thank God.
..........................
She stepped into my room and I shut and locked the door behind her. Luckily, she'd gotten here fast, leaving me with little time to sit and worry about everything that had happened. However, now, I was a nervous wreck, every moment of silence tearing me apart, little by little. I motioned for Lex to take a seat but she didn't. Her eyes bored into mine and I wanted to reach out and hug her. I had the urge to back her up against my wall and kiss her. I wanted to hold her in my arms despite the fact that I was still confused as hell about earlier today.
"Lex, say something. I..."
"Noah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I made you hate me and I'm sorry that..."
"No, Lex, I don't hate you! I could never hate you. I just...I just got mad. I just...The thought of you going back to him made me crazy and when I saw you kissing him...I broke." I sighed.
"Noah, I don't want him. Right now, I want you. I don't know how any of this will work out. I don't know myself. I don't know anything except that when I'm with you, things aren't so bad and I...Well I guess, I need you." She tried to explain, her sad eyes flicking down to the floor before returning to mine.
Before I could fully take in her words, her lips settled on mine and she was kissing me, mending my heart and putting me together once again. I let her. I didn't pull away because I couldn't. I couldn't even think about stopping this beautiful girl from kissing me. Chills pricked my skin all over my entire body and my heart pounded so hard and fast as our lips moved in perfect sync. It was like a dream coming true, some crazy fantasy of mine coming true. It's like that exited feeling you get when you visit a new place, everything around you feeling so surreal and perfect. I wanted this feeling to continue. I wanted to somehow wrap myself in this feeling, hoping and praying that I wasn't ripped from it.
After several moments, Lex pulled away, her hands finding the sides of my face, her fingertips gliding across the stumble there.
"Noah, I'm sorry. Please don't hate me."
"I don't and I won't ever. I'm sorry. Did I hurt you? Did you..."
She looked down, removing her hands from my face to rub at her temples. She was wearing my flannel and as she massaged her head, the loose sleeves slid up her arms, causing me to reach for her. I began unbuttoning her shirt right down the front, ignoring her protests. After a stern glare, she allowed me to push the fabric off her shoulders, leaving her in only a black tank top. I reached down, turning her arms upright so that her palms faced up towards the ceiling. I winced at the sight, cursing repeatedly under my breath.
"Fuck, Lex, did you do this because of what I said?" I asked even though I already knew she had.
"No." she lied.
"Yes, you did." I whispered, staring at the new horizontal cuts that covered her wrists.
I hurt you." I added, my glossy eyes burning.
God, this is too much. I'll die if she keeps doing this. I can't stand it. It hurts so bad. This is unbearable.
"I'm sorry." She apologized, looking me in the eyes, tears welling in hers.
"Shh...Shh..." I whispered, raising one of her wrists to place a delicate kiss there.
I tried to be gentle as I kissed her wrists- one thankfully being covered by the cast- trying to tell her without words, trying to explain nonverbally how much she meant to me.
"I love you, Lex. Please stop. Please don't do this. When you cut yourself, you're cutting me so deeply. I hate this. Please, just please stop."
"Noah I..."
"Don't say anything. Just lay with me, let me hold you." I practically begged, reaching out to intertwine our fingers, having the urge to hold onto her, to hold onto something.
"Noah, that's all I want right now. I can't promise you anything but for you, I'm trying. I really am trying Noah. It's easier with you. I'm happier with you."
"That's all I want; your happiness."
I pulled back my covers and found Lex's hand once again, enclosing mine around hers and guiding her over to my bed, gently pushing her down onto the plush mattress before swallowing the lump in my throat at the thought of her being wrapped up in my bed with me. I unbuttoned my jeans, climbing into bed as I stepped out of them. As I pulled the covers up over our bodies, I felt Lex against my side, making a smile spread across my face. I loved this girl and to hold her, to actually wrap her in my arms was the best feeling in the entire world.
"Lex, did he touch you? Cole, did he do anything to..." I attempted to ask as my hands roamed her body, searching for any kind of injury, anything unusual.
"No Noah, he just kissed me. It's okay. I really just don't want to talk about Cole."
I nodded, tangling my feet with Lex's, pulling her all the way against my body, us both facing each other.
"Okay, what do you want to talk about?" I questioned, running my fingers through her long waves, pressing a tender kiss to her forehead.
"I want to talk about us or...I don't know."
"Okay. We can skip all of the small talk questions about favorite colors and food preferences. I think we discovered those things a while back."
"I think so, but Noah, I don't feel like I've been there for you. Well, I know I haven't. I've been a terrible friend and I've just ignored everything you've gone through, focusing instead on all of my shit. I'm sorry, Noah. I didn't even know you self-harmed, Noah. I...How could I not know that? Noah..." she whimpered, tears coming on as she pushed my sleeve up to observe the almost nonexistent scars.
"Lex, shh...It's okay. I'm fine. You haven't been a terrible friend. You've been a wonderful friend and I've loved every minute of being with you, even when you were mumbling nonsense when I carried you out of parties...and stop apologizing! You are always worried about other people, about how you think you'll hurt other people. Think about yourself, Lex. The way you feel about other people; that's the way I feel about you."
I wiped her tears away with the pad of my thumb, giving her a reassuring smile as I continued to rub my hands through her hair.
"Noah, how could you love me? There are so many girls that would kill to be with you. Noah, I'm broken. You know I'm not..."
"Stop. Just stop, Lex. I love you because you're wonderful. Dammit, Lex, I've loved you since before we knew what love was. I know you're not open to love. You're not to the point where you realize just how much I care about you. That's okay. We can take it slow. I can show you how it could be. I just...I need you to try. I need you to stop this, please." I nearly cried, examining her wrists, wishing I could erase the cuts with each kiss I pressed to them.
She peered up at me, eyes flooded with fear, with worry. I was asking for more than it sounded like. I was basically asking her to change her lifestyle, the way she dealt with her feelings, but I had to ask. There's no way that I can sit back and be okay with the love of my life harming her body. I can't accept that.
"Noah, how do I stop?"
"Can I tell you something?"
She nodded, her eyes flicking down to pick at a loose string from the hem of my comforter. Despite her persistence to avoid my eyes, I nudged her chin up so that she had to look at me. She nodded again, pressing a kiss to my lips before waiting on me to continue. Just the brief kiss made my heart skip a beat and my body warm as I pulled my lip ring between my teeth.
"Lex, I know that you have your ways of coping, your quick fixes you turn to, but you don't have to. You have a long-term solution, Lex."
"What's that?" she asked, her eyebrow quirking up in confusion.
"Me. I'm here, just let me be. Let me love you and when you need me, I'm here. I'm here. Don't you hear that? I want you to know that I'm here, always. Lex, baby, you can come to me whenever. Don't turn to his. Don't hurt yourself. Don't hurt me. Just come to me. Let me hold you. Talk to me. I'm not saying I can fix you but we can fix each other. Please, just trust me. Please."
She sighed, her hand trailing up and down my back, closing her eyes briefly before reopening them, regarding me with a look of comfort and satisfaction. It seemed like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders.
"Noah, thank you."
I couldn't even talk for another second. I just wanted to feel her lips against mine, so I kissed her, holding her body as I climbed over her. I cupped her breast in my hand grinding my hips down against hers, causing her to moan as I deepened our kiss, pushing my tongue past her lips.
"Lex..." I moaned, unbuttoning her jeans with one hand, the other cupping her cheek tenderly, my fingertips grazing across her cheek bone.
My thumb hooked into her underwear, quickly pulling them down her thin legs. I didn't have to ask her anything because I knew what she wanted. I could read not only her body, but her heart and mind. I placed my hand between her legs and her hips immediately lifted to press against my hand for more contact.
As we kissed, I found her clit, rubbing small circles over it. I swallowed her moans before pulling away from her lips. My lips trailed down her cheek and across the expanse of her neck, my teeth grazing against her collarbone as my hand continued to work against her. I sucked at a place beneath her ear, feeling chills prick her skin, only motivating me to suck harder, flicking my tongue over the sensitive skin of her neck before biting down lightly, knowing full well that I would leave a mark, but one out of love, instead of sadness. Just the thought made me very happy, happy to know that she was allowing me to love her, to show her how much. That's all I'd wanted from the beginning. She'll have to open up in time but I need her to let me love her now.
"So beautiful, so perfect." I whispered against the hot, burning skin at her neck.
As I pleased her, as I sucked at her clit, plunging my fingers in and out of her, and as I loved her, I only wanted to hear one thing. I dreamt of it. I wanted to hear the words desperately.
I love you, Noah.
They didn't come, not that night, but I hoped that someday they would. I hoped that one day she could look me in the eyes and tell me that she loved me as much as I loved her. I'd be lying if I said I didn't need it. I'd be lying if I said I didn't dream of it.
Alexa's POV
The way I felt was so foreign, but I wanted more than anything to welcome it. I felt happy. My cuts healed. They healed and my heart felt like it was healing with them. Being with Noah was like finding myself. I felt safe more than anything and I ignored the urges to cut, finding peace with Noah, turning to him when I felt sad and alone. As wonderful as Noah made me feel, there was a nagging fear in the back of my mind, telling me that Noah would get tired of constantly being my savior. It has to be a burden. Every time I want to cut, I call him. I keep waking him up at three in the morning or climbing through his window at midnight. I'd grown accustomed to having Noah as my release, instead of a solution that I constantly wanted to turn to.
He'll get tired of this. He won't be around next year when I graduate.
"Lex?"
"Yeah?" I asked, pushing my thoughts aside to focus on Noah.
I had climbed through his bedroom window and hour ago, crawling into bed with him. I had been so close to dragging the blade across my skin and I almost couldn't get here fast enough, but I did. I got here and I climbed into bed with him, waking him up from his deep slumber just like always. I felt bad for always waking him up but he claimed to love it. He claimed to love when he would awake to me being right beside him. So I just tried to trust him, putting everything I had into the prospect that maybe his feelings were strong enough to deal with me always needing him.
"What are you thinking about?" he asked, his voice thick with sleep, his eyes growing heavy as he stayed up with me, comforting me.
"I...Just you...us." I rambled.
"You're beautiful." He complimented, his hand trailing down my neck to my chest, cupping my breast in his hand and pressing his lips to mine.
My body warmed from his touch, continuous chills shooting through my body like electricity. He kissed me hard as his hand trailed lower and lower. This is what I need. I smiled as his hand snuck past my thin cotton pants and underwear. My entire body shuttered, his touch sending me into a trance as his fingertip glided down my slit, collecting moisture before his finger entered me, his lips still hot and heavy on mine. My left arm, covered in a cast, stayed out of the way as my right hand drug down Noah's back, my nails digging into his soft flesh. I whimpered as he pulled his finger out, his lips detaching from mine.
He trailed down my body, finding the waistband of my pajamas, pulling them all the way down my legs along with my underwear. I gasped, shoving my hand into his hair as his tongue pressed to my center, his finger gliding into my entrance once again. I moaned, muttering his name repeatedly as I came around his fingers after a few short moments. I had never come so hard and fast with any other guy and that fact made me want Noah all the time. I wanted to be this close with him all the time.
I whimpered, his tongue cleaning the remains of my orgasm before his lips moved up my stomach and over the valley of my breasts before finally finding my lips. We kissed for several moments before I reached for the bulge in Noah's boxers, wanting to have all of him, wanting for us to be connected in a way we never had been.
"Lex..." he breathed, pulling away from my body to move my hand away from him.
"What?" I asked, more confused than ever as to why he was stopping me.
My heart pounded, my reasoning being thrown out the window, fear taking its place and consuming my mind and heart.
"I...We can't...not yet." He sighed, closing his eyes before reopening them and looking away from me.
"Why?"
"Because you're not ready for this and neither am I."
"But...I am. You've seen me and I've seen you. We've pleasured each other multiple times. Why are you stopping it from going all the way?" I asked, emotion flooding my tone, having the urge to cry as I continued to look at the hesitance written all over his face.
"You don't want me?" I asked, my eyes glossing over and my heart pounding rapidly.
"It's...not that, Lex. Of course I want you. It's just...We can't. Not now."
"But why?" I snapped, the emotion in my tone switching from hurt to anger in a matter of seconds.
He was being so vague and I knew there was something he wasn't telling me, driving me to become angry, wanting to yell at him for not wanting this.
"Lex, don't do this. We just can't, okay?" he snapped.
"Fine. I'm leaving." I said, equally as cold, before shoving him off me and climbing out of bed, attempting to dress, my bulky cast making it hard to get my pajamas back on.
Noah sat at the edge of the bed and I could feel his eyes on me. As I gathered my things, he stood, making his way around me before blocking the window.
"Don't leave." He pleaded, refusing to move from his spot, preventing me from leaving.
I tried to not stare at him, boxers being the only thing that adorned his tall, lanky figure. I tried to act as though I wasn't fazed, but what I really wanted was to go all the way with him, to have him all to myself.
"Why should I stay? Why don't you want me? Is something wrong with me? I want this with you and I know about all the girls you've been with, Victoria, all of them! I know that you slept with them right away so why not me? What did I do?" I nearly screamed, shoving at his chest before he grabbed my wrists, stopping my assault.
"That's just it, Lex! Don't you get it! Don't you see that you're different from them? Goddammit Lex, can't you see that I'm trying to be different with you? I love you for Christ's sake. I'm not just going to start seeing you and fuck you right now when I've dreamed of being with you for years. I want it to be special and I at least want you to love me when it happens! Why can't you see that you're nothing like the girls I've been with? I didn't want them. It was hell being with them, seeing your eyes in theirs every fucking time we slept together only to wake up next to them, being reminded that they weren't you, which meant giving myself to someone whom I didn't love at all. I'm not fucking this up Lex. I refuse to because I want this to be special. Dammit, I want you. Of course I want you but I can't do this unless I know that you feel the same about me as..."
Before he finished, I kissed him hard, quieting him, ending his long rant. His lips responded to mine and he kissed me, our lips moving in perfect sync before I pulled away.
"I can wait. We can wait." I panted, nodding frantically, still in awe from his words, so beautifully said and expressed.
"Thank you." He whispered, pressing a kiss to my forehead.
"At least...let me show you how I feel." I said, gently pushing him down onto the bed, unable to verbalize my feelings as I gripped his length over his thin boxers.
Noah allowed me to please him and I hoped that I made him feel like he made me feel. I dreamed of a time when I could tell him that I loved him and we could really be together. A few tears were shed from my eyes just before I fell asleep in Noah's arms, because somehow I knew that I could never say it and that it would never happen.
A/N
LONG chapter here. Hope you enjoyed. Vote, comment, and share! Love you! xxxxx
Faith <3