TW- panic attack, derealization
Kelly's POV:
I sat on the uncomfortable plastic chair, swinging my legs around and trying to keep calm. All I wanted to do was see Dad; I'd missed him and been worried. Kristin and Phil and everyone were really nice and made me feel safe, but it was getting to the point where I just really wanted to go home.
I couldn't keep my hands still. My cane was folded up next to me on the chair and my fingers were fidgety. They landed on the plasters dotted around my arms. There was a small one on my face that I ran my fingers over too. Kristin had put them on for me on that first night. We hadn't taken them off since, but I realised it had only been a day. Everything felt so much longer.
Kristin handed me the unicorn we'd bought. I smiled and ran my fingers through its fur instead. "Won't be too long now bud." I kind of liked how she called me bud.
"Mhm." I closed my eyes and tried to pretend everything was fine and normal.
"Uh hey can I help?" It was an unfamiliar voice.
"Yea we're waiting to see Mr Ethan Oliya?"
"Oh yea, sorry, someone mentioned this to me. Is this Kelly?"
"Yea. Did you want to say hi bud?"
I opened my eyes, looking in the direction of the voice. "Hey," I mumbled.
"Hey there! I've been looking after your Dad, he can't wait to see you. I bet you can't wait to see him-" she paused, things felt a little awkward. People always did this when they realised I was blind and used the word 'see'.
"Yea, I just really want to see him," I said, trying to just get on with the conversation.
"I can take you right through but we've got to be quiet okay?"
"Yep." I said, reaching out for Kristin's hand. I got my cane and off we went.
"Bambi?" I heard his voice say.
"Hey Dad," I whispered, letting Kristin guide me right to the edge of the bed, holding her hand until his took over.
"Oh Kelly, look at you!" I felt his hands around my cheeks. Leaving my cane on the bed, I placed my hands over his. "You've been so brave!"
"I thought you were dead." I choked out, now sobbing.
"I'm right here, right here and I'm always going to be here." He pushed my hair out of my face and wiped the tears from my cheeks. I just let him hold me. I'd missed his hugs. I'd missed him.
Techno's POV:
"Tech, you need to eat. Is it the wrong texture? I thought plain noodles, veg and chicken was okay? Normally you love it." I shrugged my shoulders. Dad sighed. "What do you want to eat then?"
"I don't." I said simply.
"Okay, then tonight I'll let you off. But if you are hungry, you eat, deal?" I nodded. "Did you want to come play lego star wars with us?" I shook my head. "I'll be back up at bed time to check on you then."
I heard him sigh more before he closed the door and headed downstairs.
There was a lot going on: everything had left me in burn out. Dad tried to talk to me when we first got back, but I wasn't really up for it. I wasn't up for anything really. Dad must have realised that when during the whole conversation we just had, I sat at my desk, my laptop turned off but still sat in front of me and didn't look round at him once. I've got music in my headphones, but only loud enough so that I can hear the odd beat.
Like I said, there's a lot going on.
I might have a brother. I might have lost a sister and a mum and a dad! I might have had a family that loved me and just couldn't look after me, sat out there waiting for me all this time. Years in and out of abusive and neglectful homes. Years spent thinking no one loved me, that I was broken and good for nothing. Years being chucked around a system that didn't care about me. And all that time, my mum was sat there, waiting for me.
I felt like I should be angry. I felt like everyone was expecting me to hate her for what she put me through but I don't. I just don't know how to process any of it. She did what she thought was best to protect me, and if the system was built to handle any of this properly, she would have made the right decision. And it was because of her that I met Wilbur and Tommy and Tubbo. That I met Phil and Kristin. I'm not angry with her, I'm angry with the care system.
In fact, I'm grieving for her. And my possible dad. It's unlikely that I've managed to find my look alike in the whole world, instead of my brother. But that means I've lost 3 family members in one go. All gone before I could even meet them. Dad sent me Tor's number but I've been too nervous to text him. Maybe I should wait until we get the test results back. The kit is supposed to get here tomorrow.
But I have always wanted a big brother. Someone to look after me and tell me off for doing stupid stuff in a way Mum and Dad, well, Phil and Kristin wouldn't. And living with him sounded... eh. I could do it, and it would be good, maybe, probably.
I grabbed a book from my desk and flopped on my bed. Turning on my reading lamp, climbing under the duvet and opening the first page, I sat and read for several hours. We had an English project/ course work to do over the summer and I needed to read that book for it, so I thought I'd just get started.
"Mate?" Dad was knocking on my door. "Can I come in for a minute?" I got out my bed and opened the door, standing there, so he wouldn't come in and sit down. "Can we sit down and talk?"
Ah. I'd lost. I sat on my bed, leaving space for him to sit next to me. He closed the door as he joined me. "You feeling any better?" I shrugged my shoulders. "Well, I'm about to put everyone else to bed, but I'm staying up to wait for Kelly and Kristin. Would you like to come downstairs and eat. Maybe play some minecraft?" I paused for a second.
"You called her Kristin." I said. He paused, wringing his hands together.
"Well, to Tubbo, we are Phil and Kristin, we aren't Mum and Dad. And Tommy doesn't call me Dad. And I realised that maybe you wouldn't want to call us Mum and Dad anymore either?"
"I don't know yet."
"When you do, do you think you'll tell us?"
"Yea." He rubbed my shoulder and I leaned into it. "I just, I'm grieving for people I never met and everything still hangs in the balance."
"Hopefully we'll have an answer soon."
"I think we had our answer when Tor walked through the door."
"Mhm. But you know, we won't ever stop being here for you. Even if you decide to live with him. That's okay, and we will do what's right for you."
"Can we go play minecraft now?"
"Give me 10 minutes. Tubbo wanted to put Tommy to bed. And Wilbur wanted to talk to you."
"Can Wilbur wait?"
He took one look at my face, "I'll tell him he'll have to." I smiled lightly at him and leant into his chest for a hug. Things would be okay because Phil, Dad, would make them okay. And so would Mum.
Time skip:
I was quieter than normal, but Tommy's bedroom was literally directly above us and everyone was asleep or supposed to be so I kind of needed to be anyway. I'd eaten my way through six bags of mini-breadsticks and drunk two cans of fanta. Dad was just glad I wouldn't be going to bed on am empty stomach.
Speaking of him, he was busy trying to make the house on our hardcore world look nice. I was busy killing everything possible to gain XP so I could start enchanting our stuff. Sure, Dad would build a mob farm (well several mob farms) later on but for now, we just needed the XP. I heard a car pull up on the driveway. Mum was home. (For now, until I know Tor is definitely my brother, I think I'm okay to call Kristin and Phil, Mum and Dad).
"Mum might want some help putting Kelly to bed, but I'm happy to stay up a little longer to play some more if you are?" I nodded, sipping on my water bottle and putting my controller down.
Watching the paused game screen, I listened to Kelly come in and everyone talking quietly. She'd just been to visit her dad in the hospital and was probably quite upset. I remembered when we first went to visit Tubbo in the hospital. I haven't done it any other time. It's weird. Everything feels grey and murky and it just hurts. We didn't even know Tubbo that well at that point.
I felt the scar down my side and then ripped my fingers away and let them settle on my hoodie strings. It was getting late but I wasn't tired. My head was swimming again. I couldn't think. I could hear my breathing but couldn't feel the movement of my chest. My fingers tingled, fidgeting with the strings of my hoodie and feeling it slipping away from me. My problems were spilling over and out and consuming me and all I could think about was losing everything.
"Mate. I am right here, look at my hand. Look." His hair was blond. It was close enough I could reach it, touch it. I tapped my fingers together, they tingled and it was really uncomfortable. "Techno? Can I touch you?" I held a hand out. I felt him hold it, the tingles taking over: I flinched back. "You're alright mate, I'm right here."
There were tears dribbling down my cheeks. I touched them but it felt odd. They didn't feel like mine. I felt so detached. He wasn't in front of me anymore, or at least, I didn't think he was. Where had he gone? "Techno, here mate, it's going to be a bit cold." I jumped and then clenched my fist around it. It was a piece of ice. Everything became clearer, slowly, bit by bit. "That's it mate, well done."
"It's ... cold." There were tears in my eyes again.
"Yea mate, it is a little cold. Can you, can you look at me?" My eyes flittered up to meet his. "Hey there, what do you need?"
"I umm, I don't know?"
"That's alright, we can take a minute, just sit here and breath."
"Yea." Dad took the ice cube from my hand and wiped it dry with a piece of kitchen roll.
"Everyone is safe, everyone is calm."
"They're dead."
"Who?"
"My parents. They are dead, they are buried, they're, they're gone before I even knew they existed."
"We should have told you."
"No, no, Tor needed to tell me." Everything felt clear. "He needed to be the one to explain. I need to talk to him again."
"How about waiting until the DNA test?"
I shook my head, "I need to know who they were. I need to know what they looked like, how they acted. I need someone to help me understand the family I am a part of! I'm not angry, I'm grieving. I'm not angry!" Dad didn't know what to say, he mouth hung open. "For once in my life, I am not angry. And I just don't know how to deal with it."
"You've got therapy with Scar tomorrow, how about we start there."
"Yea. I'll do that."
"Bed?"
"Bed." I nodded. Getting up from my armchair and rubbing my eyes.
"Hug?" This time I didn't answer, just leaning in and letting him squeeze me tightly until I felt like things might be okay again.
A/n Hello! Thanks for all the support, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. For those who have summer holidays, I hope you're enjoying them!