You hated the fact that the hours just wouldn't stop ticking by.
You were stuck in an endless time loop, lost in a void that stretched in front of you as far as the eye could see.
And no matter how much work you put into finding Yoongi, OSH had hidden well.
He would have made sure to leave absolutely zero leads.
And you knew that.
You knew that and you hated it.
The more time that passed, the more irritable, irrational and uncontrolled you'd become.
And you hated it when you snapped on Bangtan, or was rude when you knew you weren't the only one currently worried sick about Yoongi.
You were all in the same boat.
Yet you felt overwhelmingly responsible for everything that had happened.
You were the reason you were all in this situation right now.
If it weren't for you, Yoongi would be safe and sound at the moment, laughing along while enjoying Bangtan's company.
But you'd messed things up again.
And you knew you'd have to be the one to put everything straight again.
And to be honest.... right now, you felt utterly stupid.
Surely the "Great Blackrose" shouldn't be ruled by another mafia, even if it was her rival.
Wasn't Blackrose the greatest?
Wasn't Blackrose unbeatable?
Wasn't she the most cunning, clever, and most powerful mafia boss in Korea?
No one could defeat Blackrose... right?
But whenever you stood in front of the mirror, you gazed pitifully at your dreary reflection.
Deep, dark bags hung miserably below your eyes from lack of sleep.
Your collarbones pushed against your skin, longing to escape the restricting confines of the tough tissue.
You were the embodiment of a dead soul trapped in a skeleton of bones, your heart beating only because it couldn't stop until Yoongi was safe and sound again.
The only temporary relief of your pain was the time you spent with the rest of Bangtan, however even those moments soon turned into a painful reminder Yoongi wasn't there. He was with OSH. And he was in danger every moment he spent there.
But you still couldn't neglect them. You couldn't neglect the rest of them, because they were hurting too.
It had nearly been one and a half weeks since Yoongi had disappeared, and there had been no more text messages or phone calls since the brief ring on your phone last Wednesday.
Currently, you were sitting across from Jungkook and Taehyung at the dinner table, the three of you stirring mindless through your soup on the warm Saturday night it was.
The atmosphere was sullen, and no one spoke.
Only the sound of occasional slurps echoed through the living room.
Then, Taehyung tentatively looked up from his bowl, sitting back slightly and clearing his throat softly.
Both you and Jungkook looked at him with dead eyes.
"Hey... how about we organise something with the other boys tomorrow? I know it won't-"
"Forget it," Jungkook interrupted, his voice low. "Not without Yoongi hyung."
Taehyung shook his head. "No, I think it's the right thing to do. We're all so-" he thought for a moment, then continued. "Lifeless... these days, and, I mean, I'm sure hyung wouldn't want us worrying about him too much, right? He'd still want us to at least try to have... fun...?"
It sounded more like a question, but Taehyung was right. You knew that no matter what was happening to Yoongi right now, he'd want the rest of you to look on the bright side and just... try to be happy through all this.
That was his heart.
And while you wanted to use every second you had on the earth at the moment to try and find him, you also needed a break. If only a couple of hours. And you knew the rest of your team would be working extremely hard behind the scenes to find something, anything, on OSH.
They had been, along with you, for the past week.
And both you and Bangtan needed some sort of release for the helplessness you'd experienced over the past week.
But Jungkook didn't seem to like Taehyung's idea. "So what, we're just going to go have fun and... forget about the fact Yoongi hyung's missing? Are you serious, Taehyung?"
Jungkook was an emotional wreck at the moment, as were the rest of you. You didn't blame him for snapping at Taehyung. But he needed to agree to this, because you believed it would save him from possibly falling deeper into the hole you'd been stuck in for the past week.
You put your spoon back into your bowl, swallowing and feeling the warm soup trickle down your throat. "I think.... it's a good idea, Tae. Send a message to everyone else... maybe we should go to a park or something, for some fresh air."
Taehyung smiled and nodded, but Jungkook still didn't look keen on the idea.
"Hey, Kook, maybe oppa will see the text and decide to rock up. You never know, he may just be in a bad mood after all, and has just been ignoring everyone for the past week for some reason. You know how the old grouch is," you said playfully, ignoring the slight pang in your heart as you lied through your teeth.
Jungkook smiled, ever so faintly, but there was no light in his eyes. "I don't think so, Noona... he wouldn't do this to us."
You sighed heavily, and nodded. "I- I know... I was just trying to cheer you up."
"Well... it didn't work, but thanks for trying anyway."
You shrugged your shoulders, standing up and stacking the boys' bowls before taking them over to the kitchen sink. "Just try to enjoy tomorrow, okay, Kook? I'm sure we'll find him soon."
He hummed, but truthfully, you didn't trust your own words anymore.
You really didn't know if you'd find Yoongi at this point, but you were truly hoping that, at least for tomorrow, you could maybe, just maybe, loosen up for a few hours and put your feet on the ground again.
Then, you would be able to ground your feet solidly on rock, and push off into a sprint towards Yoongi.
However, you knew you were just playing the charade you'd convince yourself you had to.
You had to be a beacon of hope to the people around you, to keep them going, and, in turn, keep you going.
That wasn't what you wanted.
You knew what you wanted.
Deep down, you wanted to be able to speak to people. Being with Bangtan wouldn't be enough.
You wanted so badly to tell them everything you were going through right now, let down the floodgates along all the pressure that had built up behind them, in the dire hope that maybe they would be able to help in some way.
That maybe you would all be able to save Yoongi together.
But you were also aware that you'd dug yourself a deep, deep hole.
You had kept these secrets from them for so long that now, if you brought them to the surface, you were afraid the boys wouldn't understand.
That they'd abandon you.
That they'd think you didn't trust them.
Especially Taehyung.
You were the most scared of him.
You didn't want to disappoint him again.
So, you would just have to do what you always did. What you'd been doing all your life.
Keep holding the pain deep inside, until eventually, it goes away.
Did you care that it would never go away?
No, because you'd just keep telling yourself that maybe, just maybe, one day, it would.