Over the last couple of days the cast has slowly been coming over to see me one by one. Seb and Lizzie come over every evening and have dinner with Tom and I. It's been nice. I know what they are trying to do.
They are trying to distract me and build up trust again. I didn't mind since they were going about it with my best interest at heart.
No one dares mention Chris unless I bring it up. They know that I am having a hard time with the truth. You heard me right. After hearing a version on the story for the 10th time with only small unimportant details missing I knew they all had experienced it and it wasn't just some story.
That didn't make it any better though. If he had just told me from the beginning. If he hadn't been sneaking around, if he hadn't betrayed my trust.
It just made more thought swirl my mind and I kept thinking negatively about myself.
The others are hinting to me that I should meet with him. Get his side of the story. I just can't face him. Not yet. Or, at least that's what I keep telling myself.
I may never be ready to face him but I know with work I'll have to eventually. If nothing else we need to be civil. I have a contract for 3 more films with Marvel. I can't back out now.
I couldn't sleep last night. I was currently in my new studio I had put in over the course of the last month. I always do better when I turn my thoughts into something. I'm split between two different emotions and I wanted to get out of my head. I was currently curled up in a ball with a blanket over me as I started layering the music on my computer for the instruments.
~*~
I woke up still in my chair to see the door of my studio open. I know it wasn't open when I was working. I got up wrapping the blanket around my shoulders before heading downstairs. I heard mumbling but I immediately knew one voice was Tom.
"You need to leave. She doesn't want you here." Tom said with no hint of fear or that he was going to back down. I walked out of the hallway to the kitchen to see Chris standing furthest away from me with Seb and Tom who had their backs facing me as they spoke to him. No one had seen me yet.
"Please man, just let me talk to her." Chris looked just as much of a wreck as me. Writing those songs had taken yet another toll on me emotionally.
"Chris, I told you to back off. She would talk to you when she was ready." Seb spoke a bit softer than Tom but it was still evident that he had no intent of letting Chris see me.
I watched as Chris drew in a shaky breath as he ran his hands threw his hair. It broke me more to see him in pain. The next thing I knew I was taking in a deep breath.
"Chris." My voice was shaky and I was surprised with myself that I had made my presence know. I watched as his eyes snapped to mine. It looked like he was on the verge of tears.
"YN..." Chris spoke unsure. Tom and Seb stood there confused. I could tell that Tom was contemplating walking over, picking me up and taking me out of the room. That's how Tom would 'fix' this situation in his eyes. Sebastian was a bit different. It almost seemed as if he was trying to decide to stay and make sure we were civil, or if he should grab Tom and drag him out of the house.
I've had a little over a month to figure out what to say to him, but here in this moment I had absolutely no clue. Words were jumbling in my mind and I couldn't trust myself to form a full sentence. Even if I could speak I wouldn't trust my emotions not to take over. If they did there's a chance I would have ran past the boys back into his arms crying while smacking him at the same time.
I looked at Tom and Sebastian I gave a jerk of the head telling them to get out of here. Chris still stood in the same spot shocked, or maybe in fear. He didn't know what was about to happen either. After I watched Sebastian literally pull Tom out of the room I made my way to the fridge and grabbed the bottle of wine.
"Want some?" I asked as I grabbed my glass.
"No, thank you." I nodded my head pouring a glass and putting the rest of the bottle back. "You're drinking?" Chris asked surprised. I give a half shrug before I take a giant gulp.
"Its not called liquid courage for nothing." I mumble back knowing full well he had heard me.
"I am deeply sorry. I should have told you what had happened from the beginning instead of assuming I could fix things before you found out."
"You know what Chris, you should be sorry. You are the first person I have opened up to like that in years. I mean, yeah, sure, I dated Noah but it was never like this."
"What fucked up?" Chris tilted his head hurt crossing his face as I brought up Noah.
"I never felt so loved, in that relationship. Sure our lifestyles don't allow the most normal of relationships but I felt loved with you. Even before we started dating there was something deeper between us." I drank the rest of my glass before continuing. "I don't know how to feel and that's my biggest problem. I feel betrayed, hurt, heartbroken. No matter all those feelings I miss you. I cant just take you back into my life. You have to earn it."
"Whatever you want. I just, I cant lose you YN."
"If we ever have a chance at working out we got to back to square one. Friends." My heart felt like it was shattering into a million pieces saying it; at the same time it felt just a tad bit better. I wasn't actually losing him all the way. Sure, maybe we may never work out romantically but he would still be here, right?
"Okay, if that's what it takes. Friends." I gave a smile and a nod of the head. This is the best way to start healing. That is what this is, right, healing?