"I'm not sure which is worse, being in Kedar-Jashun or living in the same city as my mother," Thariyae grumbles. By some stroke of luck, she and Krethzirae and I are all on the same perimeter patrol this afternoon. It's been three days since we got back from Kedar-Jashun, and today is the first day I feel somewhat recovered from that journey.
"Your supper must have run long last night," Krethzirae comments. She and I both went to bed before Thariyae got home, and I left before either of them were awake this morning. I've taken to early morning meditation and yoga on the training grounds in our quarter of the city before reporting to my assigned gate to receive my shift assignments for the day.
"This suitor would not stop talking about the most boring things. Apparently he spends all his spare time, when he's not learning how to be a salor, watching and evaluating the woodworkers and carpenters of Orenxiao. And my parents were encouraging him! It was not to be borne."
"Was he nice to look at, at least?"
"He might have been, except for his nose, poor fellow. Much too large for his face. And his hair looked like it needed a good washing."
"Really? He didn't cleanse himself properly before such an important event?" I ask, tongue in cheek.
"You would think, if he was earnestly seeking a bride, he would want to make the best possible impression," Krethzirae agrees earnestly.
"I don't know that he was any more keen on the idea than I was, which would have saved the night, had my parents not been so annoyed about it," Thariyae responds. "Their chiding took longer than the actual meal."
"Chiding? Whatever for? You did what they asked of you, did you not?"
"Yes, but evidently without sufficient enthusiasm, else why would he not have asked for my hand at the end of the meal?"
"Oh, Heavens above, one meal together is supposed to be enough for a man to settle on his life partner?" I interject, irritated by the idea.
"Apparently, at least in their minds. But I think they're blinded to sense by the appeal of getting rid of me."
"For what? You don't live with them, you support yourself. They might just as well not have a daughter, except that they insist on trying to marry you off."
"That's just tradition, Azerai. Even my parents have tried to find a husband for me, and they wanted to keep me at home, to help with the housework and looking after their younger children," Krethzirae reminds me gently.
"I know. Were my parents still alive, they would be trying to secure a betrothal for me, as well."
"But they aren't, and you've more or less secured your own, have you not?" Krethzirae's eyes are alight with mischief and curiosity; she hasn't given up on extracting more information from me about my relationship with Zelphinon.
"I don't know that I would put it in those terms."
"You wear his valix. That's sign enough, is it not?" Thariyae counters.
"Neither of us is ready to think about marriage."
"Maybe not, but ready enough to kiss in the dark when you think no one's looking," Krethzirae teases.
"Courting couples have been known to do such things, on occasion. Why does it interest you so?"
"I've been spending quite a bit of time with his family for years. I've never seen him smile or express anything resembling affection towards anyone other than his siblings, until the two of you got close," Thariyae responds frankly. "It's still quite a novel concept, the idea that Zelphinon is capable of more tender feelings than being angry or annoyed or both."
"And you're not exactly what anyone would call warm or affectionate, either, at least not at first," Krethzirae adds. "It's fascinating to watch the two of you together."
"I'm sure he'd be thrilled to learn that we're being observed in this way," I mutter, the opposite of thrilled.
"What's he like in private? He's always so intimidating, at training and in our shifts."
Both Krethzirae and Thariyae seem completely unconcerned about the mounting collection of signals that I have no desire to be discussing this. They show no signs of letting me off the hook without getting at least some of the information they're after, though, so I guess I might as well try to indulge them.
"He's.... I mean.... For us...." This is hard, harder than I thought it would be. "We were friends first. We talk like friends do."
"That's not exactly specific," Thariyae grumbles.
"I don't know what you want from me. You could try to get to know him yourselves, and find out."
"I might have been able to, before. Not now."
Krethzirae also seems unconvinced. I'm suddenly angry.
"He's not a scary monster or demon possessed or any of the other stupid things people have said about him. He's a real person, like anyone else. Just more reserved and withdrawn and guarded than others, because he's been hurt before by people he trusted."
Thariyae and Krethzirae both look somewhere between guilty and taken aback by my outburst, but I'm not done.
"You saw where he came from, how they reacted to him there. You can guess at the details. And still you treat him like he's some curiosity on display for you to study and analyze. Small wonder he keeps to himself so much. Is it really so difficult to treat him as a person and meet him where he is?"
"I'm sorry," Krethzirae mumbles, clearly stunned. "I guess I hadn't really thought about it. He just seems so...unapproachable. But I guess it makes sense why."
"You love him," Thariyae accuses. Now I'm the one caught off guard. Love is not a word that's ever come up between Zelphinon and me, not something I've ever really considered in a romantic sense. "Stars above, you've never even thought about that."
Answering her would only make it worse. I knew she had a lot of nerve, a lot of guts, but I wasn't prepared for this, and I have no idea what to say. And even if she's right, even if it's true, he should be the first one to hear it.
"Let it go, Thariyae," Krethzirae admonishes, coming to my rescue. I'll have to thank her later. I still don't trust myself to speak. "That's between her and Zelphinon, and no business of ours."
Thariyae mutters something about Krethzirae being a killjoy but, to my relief, abruptly changes the topic to what we ought to pick up from the market once our shift ends. I participate when I have to, but my mind isn't with them at all. Is she right? Do I love him? Do I even know what that means, what it should look like?
Does he love me?