Life as a Secret *lesbian Story*

50

*Demi's POV*

"Holy shit I'm in love with Joe!" I gasped, my eyes widening.

Phil sighed.

"Are you in love with Joe or Spencer? You can't have both" Phil grumbled, tired of listening to me rant for the past 3 hours.

"I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!" I yelled, getting physically frustrated by my emotions.

"Okay, Okay, Okay. Explain to me why you love Joe" Phil sighed, running a hand over his "bald" head.

"I don't know . . . our history?" I shrugged, closing my eyes for a second.

"And that history is?"

"You found me at a dark place, Joe helped me in a dark place. I was brought out of that dark place after we broke up because I went to rehab after one drunken night with him that got me pregnant as a teen. Here I am four years later, raising a son with my ex, the whole world watching our every move. Joe was my rock for a while even with all the complications. I fell for him hard Phil, love or not he was my whole world in the moment. I'm always going to feel something towards him and I can't explain why. Knowing he has a girlfriend now and him telling me that she is most likely the one . . . that really fucked with me. I don't know if Spencer is my one, but I know she makes me really happy, she knows about my son, and Joe. I know when I'm around her, I try to form the best me I can. I want the best me for her . . . and knowing I didn't do that with Joe oddly means something to me. I don't know if it's the whole I was broken and he was there in my pieces or if it's that we have a kid, but I'm connected to Joe and I honestly think I'm in love with him because of fear . . . and I have no idea how to remove my fear towards what I'm fearful of, because not only is it messing with my head, but it's making my relationships with everyone I know more distant and I don't want this to ruin who I am, what I stand for and how I come off to people" I sighed, chugging half my water bottle; breathing really heavy.

"Demi, you're attached to him because he was dating you for 2 years, you got pregnant and y'all broke up, you went to rehab, your whole life broke and fixed itself all around him. He has a huge chunk of your life in his hands, and one of those hands is supporting you and your son, and the other hand is supporting his career and girlfriend and you're being a greedy bitch and wanting both hands. If you're happy with Spencer, stay with her. Do not fuck Joe's life up even more. If the rumors are true . . . you need to let Joe live his life, you need to continue moving on. I think him being on tour right now is the best thing you could have right now. I think you need to focus on music and your son. That's not me being your manager, that's me being your friend. Music helps you cope, and your son is your world. Joe or Spencer will never live up to how your son makes you feel. He is your child, your creation he is part of you . . . Joe and Spencer are just accessories. You need to focus on your world, because your world seems to be shattering underneath your finger tips. You have two weeks off from anything. You need to spend time with Colby or you will have problems down the line. Stop worrying about Joe or spencer, worry about your son and the bond you're creating or breaking because that bond is with you your whole life and it's up to you on how it stays connected" He told me seriously and I smiled, thinking about my adorable little boy.

I took what Phil said, and that next night after my show, I flew home and picked up Colby early.

@addl20: Picked up my baby early from his Mimi's and I wish I had his reaction on film ❤

I got home with Colby and we hung out into the late night, getting way past his bedtime that he fell asleep while I went to go change out my tampon making me laugh and awe at the cute sight.

I picked his lug-a-log butt up and carried him to his room, getting him into his sleep time close, Colby waking up and drifting back into a sleep off and on.

I got him tucked into bed, saying goodnight to my baby boy and kissed his cheek, leaving his room and going to turn off the lights and lock the doors before going to my bedroom.

I looked at the date, and tomorrow is me and Colby day and then . . . it's Spencer and I's first date and I have no clue what were doing.

I sighed, shutting off my bed side table lamp and pulled my comforter up to my nose before huffing.

"RAWRRRR" I roared before shaking me head.

"Did I just rawr?" . . .

"I did . . . now I'm talking to myself"

"That so I am . . . . FUCK ME!" I yelled, sitting up abruptly.

"What to do . . . what to do" I looked around my room in the dark.

I sighed, laying back down hitting my head on the backboard.

"MOTHE OF . . . NUGGETS" I screamed holding my head.

I huffed finally hitting my pillow.

I rolled around on my bed trying to get comfy.

I groaned, not knowing why I couldn't sleep.

I laid there in bed for a minute before reaching over to unplug my phone, my hand moving around the table and I kept hearing thing's falling off, making me wince every time as I kept trying to find my phone.

"I know you're here somewhere" I mumbled, my fingertips just hitting the smooth table top.

I groaned, rolling over and turning on the table lamp, to see in the mist of thing's that fell on the floor, my phone was one of them.

I groaned, trying to reach my phone, eventually falling off the bed with a thud.

"YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME" I yelled, breathing unsteadily.

I grabbed my phone harshly, yanking the cord out before scooping up my blanket and plopping everything on the bed.

I started to sweat sine it was hot as hell in California making it very uncomfortable in my room.

I decided to take a cold shower so I forgot all about my phone, stomping over to my bathroom.

After my shower, I plopped back in bed, my wet hair hitting the pillow as I grabbed my phone, seeing it was now 2:15.

I pulled on to twitter, and constructed a tweet.

@ddlovato: Send me some links or idea's to good first date ideas! Can't sleep :(

I opened up google and started googling thing's since I had no clue what to do for our "first" date and I had nothing better to do.

After about half an hour, I checked twitter and found myself lost in the internet till sunrise; where I got about two hours of sleep before having to wake up with Colby.

* * * *
Merp merp merp

Written on: 1 / 25 / 18 & 1 / 26 / 18

Published on: 1 / 27 / 18

Word Count: 1234