Night Changes [N.H]

Chapter 97

"This isn't for One Direction," he said, laying the guitar on the floor gently. He took another deep breath and closed his eyes for a few seconds. "This one's for me."

I let out a small laugh of confusion. 

"What do you mean?"

Niall rested his elbows on his knees and bent over. 

"Like, just to keep for yourself?" I asked for clarification I didn't need. 

He shook his head. 

"Then what?"

He sat straight up again. "Alyssa, this is what I love to do. I love to write and perform and share my talents with the world, and I want to continue doing so for as long as I can."

My eyebrows raised. 

"Yeah, I know, obviously you've been doing it for years," I said. "It's not like everything will be over and you'll have to stop forever. You can still share your songs with me and Owen. It can still be a hobby, maybe not a career"

"Yes, and I will, it's just," He paused, like he was trying to find the right words to explain himself. "I want to keep doing this, even if it's not with the band."

I could feel my stomach start to drop. 

"You mean, you want to have a solo career or something?" I asked. 

"Yeah, I guess," He added. 

And then my stomach dropped entirely. 

"Niall, I thought we worked this all out?" I began in a slightly louder tone than I intended. "Like that you've been at this for five years and now it's time to take a break and spend time with the people who care about you."

He didn't respond. 

I changed the position that I was holding Owen and started shaking my head in disbelief. I was at a loss for words. 

"I wanted to tell you about this for a while now, but I didn't know how," he responded. 

"I know you love this, and I love watching you do it. It's just that I've given up so much of my life for you and our son and I thought we were actually going to get a chance to be a real family. A family that eats dinner together every night and has movie nights occasionally and does family things like grocery shopping and argue about who's turn it is to bring our son to T-ball."

I could feel Niall looking at me, but I couldn't look at him. 

"I love the fact that you're still writing music and exercising your talent, but I feel like you've ran your course. There are other areas of your life that need some attention too, you know."

"Why do you have to make me worse about this than I already do?" He raised his voice. 

My heart skipped a beat, and I nearly jumped out of my seat. 

He's always been so gentle, but not right now. 

There was a small pause, realization that he just used that tone, and Owen was starting to get fussy. 

I started to get off of the couch. I needed time. All three of us needed to cool down before we made things even worse. 

"I'm really sorry, Alyssa," He said, getting out of his chair and trying to grab my arm to make me look him in the eye. "I already feel so bad about this as is. I know how much you've sacrificed for me, but I've been thinking about this a lot. I thought about how, if you ever wanted another chance at something, I would let you have it, and I always wanted you to do the same for me."

I propped Owen up on my hip and raised my eyebrows again. "But can't you see??? All I've ever wanted is a chance at being together for real! I thought the whole reason One Direction was taking a break after this album and tour was so that we could actually have a break. I'm just as much involved in this as you are, and I need a break too!"

"You don't have to follow me to every different country, you're not under a contract to do so. Nobody's making you-"

"Yes I do," I interrupted. "Because I love you."

Our eyes met and I could feel a rush of tears behind mine. There was too much tension and what we both needed right now was some time to organize our thoughts. 

Owen was full-on crying in my arms now, and I needed to find a way to calm him down. 

I took a deep breath and lifted my head up. 

"I'm going back to the hotel," I said in a quieter, more controlled tone. "We can talk about this after."

I turned away from him and didn't have the strength to look back.

"Alyssa-" He began, trying to make me return over to him. 

"Have a nice show," I said. "You always do."

I was about halfway down the hall when the tears started flowing. 

I hated crying in front of Owen. I didn't want him to see me like this, even if he was so little he wouldn't even remember it tomorrow. 

I grabbed my bag, called a car, and left the venue without even saying goodbye to Lou or Lottie. I didn't want them seeing me like this and trying to tell me they understand, because they don't.

Regret consumed me as soon as the words left my mouth. I felt like such a horrible girlfriend to keep him from living out his dreams, but at the same time, he had been living his dream for years. I have dreams too. 

The reason I was especially hurt was because we had been planning this break for so long and I was so excited for it. 

I wanted more than anything to try to understand where he was coming from, and that would take some time. I just needed some time to myself to let it sink in and come up with a response that didn't complicate things any further. 

I knew that we would never be a normal family, but I wanted so badly for something close to it. 

As soon as I got inside the hotel room, I washed up, fed Owen and put him to sleep, and then climbed into bed myself. 

I didn't wait up for Niall that night. I had lost so much sleep over him and it wasn't going to happen tonight. 

A/N

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