Knock On Wood (BoyxBoy)

chapter fifty-eight. kevin.

"Why do you smell like cigarettes?"  Nat asks as we walk through the lobby.  "I didn't know you smoked."

I shake my head and hand him his water.  "No, I was visiting a friend.  She smokes."

"I see," Nat ponders.

"So, how'd it go with Edd?"

"We talked about a lot, even though he didn't really have anything to say," Nat says.  He laughs at his own joke as he clicks the unlock button on his car keys. 

I smile in response.  "I'm glad you talked to him. I know that it's kind of... Y'know, weird right now, since he's not really awake, but I'm glad you still did it."

"Of course man, anything for my Double Delightful!"

"Oh, that's a new one," I muse.

"I've been searching synonyms for 'delectable' on thesaurus-dot-com recently for new words.  I've realized that my name game has been lacking something original lately."

"Wow, that's pretty thoughtful," I say.

He laughs and opens his car door.

When we get in the car, Nat hooks is phone up to the AUX chord and plays his Spotify playlist.

You know what I think's really sad?
I know how really sad you are.

He skips the song.

And after a few more skips, we get to the good stuff.  We get to our song. 

Nat whoops and turns the volume of his radio up to it's max and blares the lyrics to White Walls by Macklmore.

"I wanna be free.  I wanna just live.  Inside my Cadillac. That is my shit,"  Nat shouts. "And I throw that up--"

"I throw that up!" I echo.

"That's what it is--"

"That's what it iiiis."

"In my C-A-D-I-L-L-A-C, bitch--"

"Bey-otch!"

And it goes on like this for the entirety of the song, Nat and I rotating verses (I get the girl part, and he raps to Macklmore due to a lost game of rock-paper-scissors on my part).

Eventually, though, we pull into my driveway and I leave the car, telling Nat that I'll see him later.

My dad isn't home (which is good because I don't feeling having an awkward staring contest with him) so I go up to my bedroom and put my pijamas on.

But, when I lie down in bed, I don't feel very well.  I feel shitty, actually, which sucks because I was just having so much fun in the car with Nat.  And it also sucks because when I feel shitty, I think of shitty things, like, for example, how Edd's been comatose for almost a whole month, and how after a month, it's almost impossible for someone to stay alive.

I wonder if I should accept it?  The fact that he's dying?  Should I keep my hopes high just to be disappointed in the end?

I want to believe in him.  I want to trust Edd to keep fighting and win, but how can I when the odds aren't in our favor? 

It's so hard to believe in something you can't see. 

But, Edd, I will believe in you.  I will hold on hope for you.

I will trust you.