Knock On Wood (BoyxBoy)

chapter six. kevin.

"Nat, I--"

"No!" He says. "Tell me what the actual hell your problem is or else."

"Or else what?" I ask.

"You don't even wanna know."

Feeling slightly intimidated and threatened, I give in and lead him to the sofa.

"Where should I start?"

"Anywhere," he says.

"Okay," I hum nervously. "Well, I guess these feelings started about a week ago. I had this weird dream about someone and I guess it awakened these feelings inside of me that I didn't know I had. And it freaked me out pretty bad."

"Why did it freak you out? It's natural to have crushes, Kev."

"Well, the thing is...," I say slowly, clearing my throat. I look at the ceiling, rubbing my arms nervously. "This crush of mine, isn't average.'

"Not average?"

"Well, not for someone like me," I say. "I'm supposed to be the football team captain--the strong, masculine dude that has girls all over him. But I'm not."

"What are you saying?"

I stand up from the couch and face away from Nat, looking at the wall. I can't look into his eyes when I say this.

"Listen, Nat, there's... there's this guy I think I might like but I don't even know. I don't know why but it's like every time I'm around him, I'm blushing and my heart hurts and I feel like I'm just going to die right then and there.

"But anyway, the other day at school when I left the cafeteria, I went to the bathroom to wash my face in the sink, and he was in there. I panicked and wanted to keep the conversation, so I asked if he wanted to help me study and he said yes and now I'm freaking the fuck out because what if I say something wrong and I just--"

I can't finish what I want to say before I'm on the couch with my head in my hands, feeling ashamed of how I feel.

"So, you think you're gay?" He asks after a while of processing what I ranted as fast as I could.

"Nat, I don't--," I sigh and sit down on the couch. "I know I'm not gay. This is probably just some phase that I'm going through; a one-time thing."

"I dunno, Kev," he says, getting up and pacing around the living room. "The way you described your feelings kinda sounds like love in the making."

I open my mouth to oppose, but say nothing.

Instead, I ask: "What am I gonna do?"

"There's nothin' you can do," Nat says as he sits next to me. "You can't stop how you feel, Kev."

He puts his arm around my shoulder and says: "You can try and avoid it if you want. You can ignore it, you can hate it, you can even yell and scream and cry out to your heart, pleading to it and telling it that this isn't what you want. Sure, you can do that. Or--"

He pauses and moves himself in front of me so that he's looking at my face.

"--Or, you can accept it."

"Nat, how...," I sigh. "How the hell can I accept this?"

"Kev, you can just--"

"Nat, you don't understand!" I shout, standing up. "It feels so weird to be liking a guy--especially him! We're from two totally different worlds, and there's no way on earth that we'd have any chance to get together, anyway." I sigh. "It's totally unreal, and what would everyone else think of this?"

"Who cares what everyone else thinks?" Nat asks.

"Everyone does!" I yell. "We say we don't care, but we do! People saying that they don't care what people think about them is just a way to cover up their insecurities or whatever."

"You're thinking too into it, Kevin. Why do you care so much?" He asks me, now standing, but still calm.

"Because, I don't need everyone to hate me," I say, pointing my thumb at my chest and leaning closer to him. "My fuel, and the only reason why I go to school, is that everyone there appreciates me and doesn't hate me. It's the only time that I get to be away from all the hatred and bullying that I get at my own house. It's my only escape. And I don't need that ruined by some dweeb." I sneer.

"You're being bullied at home?" Nat asks.

I sigh and look around the room. "It's nothin' big, just my dad."

"Why didn't I know?" Nat says, sounding slightly offended and upset.

"Because it's no big deal," I lie, trying to sound reassuring. "Just a bit of yelling and a light punch, and then I'm sent to my room.

"But that's not the point right now. Point is, the dweeb that I guess I might kind of like is coming over right after school tomorrow, and I don't know what to do."

"Just act normal, Kev," he says. "It's just like having anybody over."

"Dude," I say. "What am I supposed to, like, say?"

"Kevin," Nat says, grabbing my shoulders and looking into my eyes, smiling. "You're just studying."

He laughs and says, "I've never seen you freak out so much about a lover coming over."

"H-He's not my lover," I say, furrowing my eyebrows. "And he's... Different from the girls I've had over...". I rub the back of my neck and blush. "I guess this is what love feels like," I mumble.

Nat squeals and says, "My little Kevin has found love, at last!"

"Oh, shut up!" I shout, laughing, and punch his shoulder.

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It's weird to think about, but usually when you're afraid of something that's happening in the near future, time seems to go faster. Doesn't that mean the opposite for someone who is looking forward to something? Doesn't time go slower for them? If so, then doesn't that mean that I'm excited to see Double D after school today?

Can't be.

God, I'm acting like such a girl about this--thinking about him all the time and anticipating his arrival to my house; thinking about what we're going to do and how it's going to happen. It feels ridiculous and embarrassing, yet sensible at the same time. These are reasonable questions to ask right before your "crush" (I've come to accept it) comes over, right?

"Okay, class!" Mr. McConnel, my Algebra II teacher says. "Only one more minute until the final bell. You may all begin to pack your things!"

Before he even finishes his last sentence, everyone is moving around the classroom getting holes punched in their papers and rustling around for their books on the floor.

When the bell finally rings, everyone floods out of the room, leaving Mr. McConnel behind saying, "Have a good weekend!"

On my way to my locker and as I open it, my head is flooded with the event that is taking place at my house tonight.

Nat and I go to his car and drive home listening to Bennie and The Jets.