I Am The Alpha (Part 1/2)

I am the Alpha - Part 54

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I sit in my bedroom after a long day at school, a day pretending that Cole was really gone, that the Blood Valleys wouldn’t harm us anymore. A day feeding of the happiness of those around me to hide the deep sorrow that now engulfs my mind. I’m almost sure that a few of them noticed something was up but they decided to let me figure it out on my own and tell them when I feel I need to but little did they know that would be a long, long time from now, perhaps never.

I never thought this day would come, the day when I have to walk away from everything and everyone I love to protect them. Of course anytime in my life I would jump to save them, I would die to save them but this is much harder. I have to walk away and make them think I walked away because I hate them, because I want to. I have to tell them I have no reason to stay that I prefer to go and leave them in pieces.

Every part of my life I’ve waited for the bombshell to drop, for my blessed life to finally hit its peak and snap. Sure my life has been filled with conflict and worry but never before have I worried that I won’t be able to fix it. I’ve always know that the next day would bring solutions and that everything would be okay. But now I guess it has dropped and god I never knew it could be this painful.

My life is hanging on a steal cord knitted together by the threads of my family and my pack. The issue is that these threads are now straying awfully close to the dagger held by another cord. The dagger would never touch me but as it cuts away the threads that make my life I would be scarred deeper than any blade could cut. The wound would be unhealable, worse than death.

So now I have no choice. To save them, I must hurt them as well as myself. I must make them believe I hate them. Only that can keep them alive, out of harm’s way. Then when I’m gone there will be hope for them and they’ll be okay, they’ll be together.

Walking away will be hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. Sure I’ll be physically intact but even the thought of it is ripping me to fragile pieces. Fragile, like a crystal glass; I despise the thought of it. I am meant to stronger than that, better than that – not so easily broken. In one way maybe the answer is just not to feel, to dis-attach myself from all emotions but then all the good feelings, the memories would slip away too and though that would make this a lot less painful it would make my life so, so empty.  

Truth is I don’t know what I’ll do once I’m gone. Fight? Give them a reason to go back and hurt them more than they already seem to have. Give up? No chance in hell, but if giving up means freedom for the ones I love and care about maybe that is the answer. But then what; let them take advantage of me? Become one of them, live life as a puppet to his will? Never. I would rather die than live side by side with any of them; they are not my real friends.

The problem is I have a feeling that lying down and wanting to die will not be tolerated where I’m going. No, I’ll be forced to do something, anything but god I hope it’s not any bullshit to do with love. Sure, I’ve told them having a mate would kill whoever it was and possibly myself, but they don’t want to hear it. I must go with them and do god knows what without looking back and making sure no one will come to find me or suffer the consequences.

We’re creatures of fantasy but this is no fairytale. Happy ever after doesn’t exist anymore in our lives than anyone else’s. Sure we’re creatures of magic and mystery but that doesn’t stop us from dying and killing and fucking up everything in general. In fact the magic and the power only makes us even more capable of hurting each other and everyone else in this world. Many of us wish we could all pin it down to science and logic but morphing into a wolf and having weird powers can’t be pinned down to the basic minds of a human scientist.

I will still morph into a massive white wolf with stunning green and amber eyes no matter how many chemicals I drink or how many times I’m shot at. This fantasy creature will still be wanted by them, hunted by them. I will still be a powerful wolf meant to do great things and therefore have to hurt everyone in the process of saving them. But I’m not a heroine of those stupid fairytales either, or a damsel in distress. Tomorrow there will be no solutions, just emptiness. Tomorrow that magic will cause pain to everyone who was ever close to me and if that’s a fairytale then please enlighten me because I must have been reading the wrong ones.

I’m alone from now on; there is no prince charming, no knight in shining armour. There’s just a she-wolf with attitude making a decision that will change everything for the worse. God life’s a bitch but then again so am I and that’s what got me into this mess. Fragile my ass, I will not let myself be torn away just to be abused. I will do what they want but I will stand on my own feet with my head held high and one day maybe a long time from now and I will make them pay for what they are doing. Oh and remember revenge is also a bitch and this bitch is going to make it hurt. No one messes with Erin Daniels or her pack and gets away with it and soon enough they’ll learn that.