Teenage Diaries

Drifting

"I love you!" I blurted and my hand covered my mouth as I tried to process what I'd just said. Jake's hands had dropped from my waist and his gaze dropped down on the ground, as his blonde hair flopped over his eyes, creating a shadow over his face.

You screwed up real bad, Big-Mouth.

My heart thudded against my chest as the air around me suddenly felt heavy. The silence was deafening and I said a quick prayer, hoping he hadn't heard what I'd just said. I gritted my teeth and tried to rub off the goose bumps bursting from my skin. When I looked back at him, I found his eyes back on mine, with a glassy look. The chocolate brown was drowning in the pitch-blackness of his pupil, and his mouth opened, as if to say something, but shut. I looked at him expectantly, but it seemed as if he wasn't going to respond, so I began walking slowly, and I heard his footsteps follow, as he walked alongside. The awkwardness was killing me and there were so many things I wanted to say, so many things I wanted to do, but I was scared that I'd mess things up even more than I had. I had never experienced this kind of awkward, heavy and uncomfortable silence with Jake before.

We walked into my house's driveway a few seconds later, and as I fumbled for the keys in my bag, I heard Jake's feet shuffle. He was feeling so uncomfortable.

Why did I have to say it? I mentally scolded myself and clicked the door open. I turned to Jake. His eyes still had that glassy look. He opened his mouth again.

"Good night." He mumbled. He took a step towards me and kissed me on the forehead, a kiss as light as a feather and as quick as Sonic, leaving me breathless nevertheless.

"Good night." I croaked and shut up before I would blurt out anything else. I quickly turned and stepped into the house hallway, shutting the door behind me without sparing him another look. I could die of embarrassment right now. I ran upstairs, into the bathroom, took off my sweaty clothes and turned on the shower, letting hot water pour over me as I tried to blow off the steam. I was breathing heavily so I took a few deep breaths to get my heartbeat at a pace where it wouldn't threaten to break out of my chest. The hot water rinsed my body of all the sweat, grime and the lingering touches of the rapist I had encountered at the party earlier and I shuddered. My eyes flipped shut and slowly, I felt like I was getting back my train of thoughts.

Why did I have to say it at that time? Why did he look at me in a weird way after I said that? Was I being too fast? Would he have said this soon?

Would he have said it at all?

Realizing my train of thoughts were leading me nowhere and instead making my mood go downhill, I shook my head vigorously and instead concentrated on rubbing shampoo on my hair properly.

I emerged from the bathroom thirty minutes later, scrubbed clean and fresh, with no trace of sweat or grime on me, and a fluffy towel wrapped around me. I headed into the closet, put on some clean underwear, a pair of pajama shorts and a tank top, dried my hair and flopped onto bed. I clicked the lights shut but despite the long day I'd had, I couldn't get any sleep. I tossed and turned to find a comfortable position, but I had no luck. I hugged Jake, my teddy bear tightly. It was the one Jake had bought me on our first date to the amusement park and a smile crept up on my face as I recalled the events that had taken place. I really did love him and nothing could change that, and even though I was a little disappointed that he hadn't said it back, I knew that he liked me, and that was good enough for me. I just didn't know how I'd face him in school on Monday. Thank God the next day was Sunday. But I didn't know how I would stay without talking to him the entire day.

I guess this Jake will have to do, I cuddled the teddy bear and slowly my eyes drooped as sleep pervaded me.

~Next Day~