The Selfish Submissive

Broke AF

-Monica

"So how much are you behind?" Trinity asked me.

It's been a month and a half since I started working here. Dylan started allowing Trinity to visit after I started getting a decent routine down. We were in Dylan's office going over my bills during my lunch break. I decided to use the time to help me remember how much I needed this job. Not that it was hard or anything it's just it's so damn awkward working for Dylan.

"Well I'm 2 months behind on my car payments, a month behind on my bills, and i've adapted this new diet plan called anaexia so groceries are no longer a problem," I replied.

"Mon that's not good, Trinity replied concerened

"Yeah I know.  But I'm getting regular checks now so it won't take long to catch things up. Just this last check I was able to pay my rent and put a full tank of gas in my car so yeah i'm good., " I told her

"Ya know Mon. If you need a loan I could give you something," Trinity offered.

Oh no Trinity's feeling sorry for me. My friend who would rather buy shoes vs pay bills wants to give me a loan. I am at an all new low. Damn it I was the responsible one. How did I get here.

"Shouldn't you ask your Master before making an offer like that," I said sarcastically trying to deter her from her offer.

"Yeah i do, she said honestly. "But i'm sure if I did she wouldn't mind."

"No way, I said quickly. I do not want Dylan to know how bad off I am. It's hard enough working for her. I'm still not convenced that wasn't a pitty hire. I don't need her doing me anymore favors, I tell her.

"You weren't a Pity hire. Master said you werer actually really qualified, stop doubting yourself so much," Trinity said. 

 I waved her on not wanting to continue the conversation after making her promise not to say anything to Dylan. I put my struggles a way in a folder and shoved it in my purse. I got rid of the evidence just in time for Dylan ugh Mrs. Dynasty to walk back into her offce.

Trinity stood as soon as she enterred the room eager to serve her Master. 

"Sit Princess. Mrs. Wallace come, she said giving short commands. 

Trinity Sat down flipping her skirt up so she could sit her bare ass on the couch. It was cringe to see her do that the first time she did it. I told her to make sure she always sits on the same cushion when she comes to visit on my work days. 

I got up and went to sit at the chair in fornt of Dylan's desk. 

"Mrs. Wallace we have an event this weekend that I want you to work. I think it's time that you start working events I want to  eventually be able to let you be an overseer of events on yur own if you make it past your probational period, she said.

The thought of being able to work my own parties excited me. The sound of her saying I was still on a probabtional period set me and my wallet on edge.

"Thank you for the oppurtinity, I said appreciatvly. 

"I only offer what I believe a person can handle," she says flatly.

I felt like she praised me but it had no emotion behind it. 

"Until then here's a list of things I need you to work on. I have a consilation on Wednesday I need you to order the visuals from the print shop and pick them up have them here by noon," she said.

"Yes Mrs. Wallace, I said. I jotted down notes reminding myself the times.

"Alright. Thats all I need from you, you can start on your work. Oh and um. Stop by the bar Liam wants you to sample something, she said awkwardly.

I learned that Liam was one of Dylan's closest friends if not best. Liam and I have gotten close and I think it's a little wierd for her. 

"Don't worry Boss. I'm not going to steal your besti from you," I said giggling.

"I'm not threatened," she said with a straight face.

"I'd fire you first, she said smirking.

 I decided to leave on that note. It was the closest we've gotten to having witty banter since i've started and I wanted to leave before I ruined it. 

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The rest of the afternoon went by smoothly and before I knew it I was back home.

I parked my car a few blocks from my apartment. I was behind on the bill and I didn't want to take the chance of someone coming to repo it. After my 3 block walk, I made it inside of my apartment. 

Once I made it in my apartment I headed straight for the shower. Tossing my clothes in the hamper on the way. I let the hot water wash over me as I go over my life's choices and try to figure out how I ended up here.

I broke up with my boyfriend who I allowed to be my entire existence and support system.

It was for the best though when Travis offered me a new home and a real future for us I instantly realized that wasn't what I wanted. I cared for him and gave myself to him for 3 years and in those 3 years, there was always this pinging feeling like something was missing.

When marriage was on the table all I thought was. I don't want this. I cared for him but I wasn't in love. I wasn't hopelessly devoted to him. I served him but he wasn't what I really wanted I didn't want to marry him. I was missing something. A feeling. I needed this spark that I just couldn't feel with him no matter what he did. Why didn't I feel it?

He was a good man. He cared for me. He showed me new things but it just wasn't enough. I was his sassy Brat and he was the Daddy I needed at the time. But the time has passed and I had to let him go. I wouldn't be right going with him knowing I didn't see forever with him. I had to let him go.

I think one of the problems is I crave a deeper connection with my Dom. I want to be completely engulfed in them. I want to give them full control without hesitation without question. I want the security and the confidence to know that their way is the only way. The difference to me between Daddy and Master. Travis was a great Daddy Dom but that wasn't what I needed and he didn't have any desire to be the type of Dom I craved.

I sprawl my bills across the table again as I heat up my cup of noodles. They cost .85 cents more for a cup vs. The Ramen noodles package but I don't see a reason why I can't be broke and bougie.

I enjoy the warm noodles my first and only meal for the day. They warm my body and give me the strength I need to call these Bill companies and beg them to extend my payment plan payment for another month. I put $25 on each bill and call it a day.

I got behind so fast it doesn't even make sense. I was always the responsible one. Why was I not prepared for this? I was always so independent after my grandmother passed when I was 17 I was on my own. I worked my ass off to put myself through college and found a career. Which is probably how I ended up here working so hard all that time. When Travis came along and offered me the chance to just not, I took it. I stopped chasing my dreams and putting forth effort blew through my savings and now look at me. Eating a cup of noodles in the dark so my electric bill doesn't go up.

I miss him or at least what he gave me. I kept questioning my decision and if it was just cold feet. Maybe if he ordered me to go instead of asking me. Maybe if it was a command. No still yet I couldn't leave Trinity she was my only family. I needed her around I don't know if I would have ever survived this life if we'd never met.

Sometimes I find myself getting Jealous of Trinity missing the desire to submit to my Doms desires no matter how humiliating, no matter how taunting, the frustrating want and desire for them, the blinding need to please them, just to receive a smile from them, the way their praise brings you so much joy. I crave it it's almost been 6 months without that and it feels like years.

How do other submissives survive without a Dom?