Like Real People Do - Jill Roord

Something

Hunter's POV

Recently I'd discovered a concept which I still couldn't quite grasp, that was that the easiest way to kill yourself was to continue living, to take in deep gulps of the almost December morning air, to feel that burn in your lungs and to know you are alive and that is how it has always been - you won't know a time when it is any different.
Twenty-two sacred winters, and so many more to come, spools of time unravelling at a sigh, I felt the hum of thousands of miles already run beneath my feet and hundreds of hands which had been held at my touch. I watched as the snowdrops push through the frozen earth outside Alexia's apartment complex, it was as if they knew the circle of life better than any other; they crowded around the building, welcoming everyone home. I spent the early mornings tracing the frost which spiraled up the windows and allowed myself this and only this - the slowest death I could. For the easiest way to kill us all was life. 
Life.
Life was the death of mankind, living was the thing most of us failed to ever do. 

"Ona is arriving home tonight," Alexia hummed, setting a mug of tea down in front of me. 

Alexia and Mapi had spent everyday with me since I'd left London, they hadn't left my side once and I knew they spoke to me all day but it was rare that I ever replied. It was rare that their words would ever fully penetrate the thick fog which had been casted over my life, but I'd admittedly been doing better in the last week and it was something I learnt to cherish. 

"She played well this week," Mapi nodded, "everyone did."

I looked between the two, from the highlighted hair of my sister to Mapi's bleached tips, and I realized how much they'd done for me. How much they'd sacrificed over the years just for me to end up here again; in a pit of my own making that I always found myself giving into. 
I put my hand on my neck, the cool of my fingertips almost caught me by surprise, "Was he annoyed?" I asked quietly. 

I remembered the certainty I used to have, the power in my words and the way in which speech flowed effortlessly without even a thought about what would come next. Now I almost hid my words, thoughts weren't supposed to be spoken out loud and everything I said felt like it had the power to tear my life down. 

They both looked to me, their faces widened every time I'd speak to them. 

"Who, Hunts?" Alexia wondered, leaning towards me. 

"Vilda," I gulped, his name was still like acid on my tongue, "Was he annoyed when you told him we wouldn't come to the camp?"

Mapi looked to Alexia, I could see how the air had caught in the back of her thought and her fingers quickly moved to grasp the end of her hair. Alexia looked down to her cup for a moment before letting out a quiet breath, "He was certainly unhappy, but it's nothing you need to worry about, I've dealt with it."

Alexia was wrong though. She didn't know what Vilda had threatened - no one did. "What did he say?" It was almost like my mind had suddenly caught up to life, I suddenly knew that things had happened whilst my own life had been on pause. 

"He hopes to see you at the next camp," Alexia slowly nodded.

"And that was it?" The knot in my chest tightened. 

"Mostly," She replied, "He wanted to know the issue and I explained that we had a family emergency, he wasn't too happy about that answer but I am sure he will have cooled down by the time next camp comes along."

"If you feel well enough to come, of course," Mapi softly added on.

"Yes, of course," Alexia agreed. 

I didn't like this quiet, I didn't like how they looked at me like a glass doll who'd crack at any moment. They weren't wrong to worry, I appreciated their care but I hated to be the person who'd always be one fall away from that pit, one trip and I'd fall right back into the hole I now found myself in.