Like Real People Do - Jill Roord

Stay, Don't Go

Jill's POV

I begged for Hunter to tell me that she'd made a mistake in choosing to let me go, that the idea of my absence made it hard for her to breathe. I begged for her to tell me that it felt like drowning every time she would take a breath without me. I begged for her to confess to me that I'd haunt her dreams and she'd wake you in a pool of her own tears when those dreams let her leave, because I was everything she ever wanted and more. I begged for her to tell me that she needed me, I wanted her to beg me to never leave her side. I wished she'd tell me that I am what home feels like. I wished for her to plead with me to stay and promise to change, promise to get better. 

I stood there looking at her through teary eyes.

Please, ask me to stay. Please. 

If she asked me to stay I'd never leave her side. If said 'don't go' I'd spend forever with her. That's all it would take. Four letters or two words, 'stay', 'don't go'. 

But Hunter said nothing, she took a step away from me and looked to the floor. Her silence spoke more words than her drunken lips could manage; it was over. I was to leave and that was it. The end. 

I tried to catch ahold of my breath, I tried to hold myself together to say one last goodbye because while part of me hated her for everything, most of me was still madly in love with the girl who stood before me... the girl she used to be. 

"Hunter," That name used to light up a conversation or bring a smile to my face, but now it was a word which broke my heart, "Look at me."

Hunter still stared at the floor.

My voice was quiet, "Please."

She shook her head, covering her mouth with a trembling hand, "I can't."

I slowly nodded and took a small step towards Hunter, my hand reached the back of her neck and my lips left a soft kiss on the crown of her head. "I really hope you find the light," I told her, "I really hope you're happy and get everything you've ever wanted."

Hunter didn't reply, she didn't even look up at me and it broke my heart to leave without even a goodbye. Without even a farewell.

But I knew it was time. I'd never be ready to walk away from Hunter but I had to, I didn't have a choice since she'd already made hers. The alcohol; that's what mattered more than me. Once I'd thought I was the most important thing in the world to Hunter, I hated both her and myself for being so very wrong.

"Is there not anything you want to say?" I asked, tears streaming down my face because her silence proved that Hunter no longer loved me. I was always under the impression that Hunter was gone, buried under all the pain and addiction, but now I wondered if she was still there, loud enough to love me but she just chose not to. Either way, she didn't care about me any more and knowing that was enough to kill all hope of our future and destroy the memories I'd so recently treasured. 

But Hunter spoke up, I was surprised when she opened her mouth, "You won't tell anyone will you?" Her words shot me down even further. 

I held my breath, "I think the team will realize we've split."

Hunter shook her head and finally looked up at me with those deadened eyes, "About the drinking."

"Oh," I was foolish to think our relationship had been the thing on her mind; she'd probably grown tired of me long ago and was waiting to get out. "No, of course I won't."

"Thankyou," Hunter rigidly nodded. 

I looked to the floor for a moment, aware of the sudden awkwardness but also terrified of her being alone, "I do think you might need help though," Her eyes caught in mine, the last tear rolled down my cheek, "You know you don't have to go through this alone, there's professionals trained with these things."

"It's not really your concern anymore," She muttered.

That was when it really hit me. Hunter and I were over. It wasn't my job to care anymore, I wouldn't be at her house every morning and night, I wouldn't ever hear her random little comments or feel her hair brushing against my neck in the mornings. This was it.
But of course I still cared for her, I think I always would love Hunter because for me to unlove her would be like trying to rewire my brain and rip out half of my soul. I'd always lover her.  

"I still care," The air between us felt heavy. 

Hunter look down, "I think you should go."

She was probably right. Nothing we said would fix our problems, Hunter didn't even want to try and I was honestly tired of fighting for the both of us, especially when there was nothing to fight for anymore. I would only fight if Hunter was by my side, I don't think it was a battle I could ever have won alone. 

"I will see you at training I guess," I gulped back the tears and began to walk away from Hunter, though the second I'd turned away from her, the tears began to fall. Walking out of this house, a place that had once been like my home, was painful, each step I took meant I was further and further away from the happiest time in my life. 

Suddenly I heard Hunter's voice, "Jill," she called.

I paused and instantly turned back to her.
'Stay'. 'Don't go'. Those were still the words I begged to hear.
Even now, even after the end had come I'd stand forever by her side if she said those words. 

"Yes?" My heart was pounding so loud I feared I wouldn't be able to hear words.

The softest smile appeared on Hunter's face, it was delicate like I'd once remembered it to be, "Thankyou for loving me."

Something in my chest shattered so loudly I was surprised she didn't hear it over the silence which had fallen upon us. Inside I was crushed, every part of my body ached and my heart begged to be put to rest, but I just smiled. I smiled through the tears and nodded, there was no reply good enough nor could I speak.

"Please go now," Hunter pleaded, her eyes glassy and words weak.

I turned back around and it was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do; walking away from Hunter while I was still madly in love with the ghost of who she used to be, the memories of the perfect world which we'd created and the hundreds of promises the both of us had broken. Each step was like entering a new hell and when my hand finally reached the door I wished the house would go up in the flames.

I didn't turn back, in all honesty I would've ran back to Hunter if she was stood there crying. So I found it within myself to turn that lock and open the door into the brightness of the world, it was painful. 

I remembered Hunter's on my cheek, the touch of her fingertips stained the skin on my face like paint. It had been a long time since I last held her face in my bare hands, but each of my fingers still remembered feeling the softness of her skin and how they'd trace every freckle on her face.
I walked out that door, I was a canvas filled with splattered colors that were her. That at some point in time were us. My body was stained with memories, there were reds and blues mentally scattered all over me and in each spot the paint had dried was her handprint.I had a museum built within me for all of the art Hunter had left on my soul and I knew I'd take each one down, off the walls of my heart, and hold them close to my chest. Probably forever. Afterall, these paintings were the last things she ever gave me.
Paint stained cheeks and handprints left on my soul. 

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I feel this chapter isn't very well written - what do you think? I'm not sure..