Like Real People Do - Jill Roord

You Won't Loose Me

Jill's POV

I put the vodka bottle down on the countertop, the noise echoed through the silence. I walked towards Hunter and stood there for a second as I studied her features; the rapid rise and fall of Hunter's chest showed life but behind her eyes there was nothing, it was what I imagined death to look like. The cracks lining her lips looked like she'd been kissed by death himself. It made my stomach drop and mouth turn dry.
I wondered how I hadn't found out earlier. There'd probably been thousand of signs and I'd been naive enough to look over every last one of them. 

"Hunter talk to me," I pleaded, trying to steady my emotions when hers were already so heightened, "Please."

Hunter shook her head over and over again, the tears spilled down her face and her breath spiraled out of control. 

I took a step towards her, wanting nothing more than to make all the pain stop. Wanting nothing more than to go back to the night we met, when our relationship hadn't been embraced by darkness and Hunter's lips hadn't yet been kissed by death. 
Hunter never said a word, I knew she wasn't going to. Not right now at least. But maybe not ever. Maybe I'd never know the fact which harrowed her soul and even then I'd love her, even then I'd stand by her side. 
My arms shook as they pulled her into my chest, but soon as I felt Hunter's head burrow into the crook of my neck, my arms felt strong and secure because I wasn't only holding myself up anymore, I was also carrying her. 

A sob escaped Hunter's mouth, her cries were full of desperation and hopelessness, her fingers clung to the fabric of my jumper like I was the only comfort in the world to her. But even I, this time, wasn't enough. 

I kissed the top of her head and combed my fingers softly through the knots of her hair, "You will be okay," I whispered, my words feeling like splinters of glass to crack through the shell of her pain, "You won't feel like this forever."

I wish I knew what was wrong. I wish I could read her mind and steal her pain for myself, at least then I'd be the one of fire while she could stand by the warmth of my flame. 

Hunter shook her head, her sobs muffled and breathing raspy, growing faster and faster as the seconds slipped through my fingers. 

I held my breath; the thought of saying the wrong thing terrified me, but saying nothing at all would only allow her to continue in this cycle. "But the alcohol will not make things better, it won't give you the answers or comfort you're looking for. It won't solve your problems, it will only create new ones," I promised.

Hunter's cries stopped, for a moment or two she didn't breathe or make a single sound. It was just silence. Silence ringing round the once lively house. Silence falling from her once talkative lips. And silence running through the fear of my thoughts as I stood with my arms around her, a place where my mind had once found peace. 
Begining to panic, I stepped away from Hunter, gently holding onto her shoulders incase she'd fall. 

Her eyes remained on the floor, tears brimming the grey, but never falling; almost like raindrops falling onto a window but never leaking through the glass. A shaky breath escaped her lips, it almost sounded like her last.

I gulped, wanting to cry as I looked down at the girl I'd once thought to understand, "Hunter this needs to stop," I told her softly, "The drinking needs to stop." 
It terrified me how only hours ago it had been a secret but now everything made sense; I should've realized earlier. Maybe it wouldn't have gotten to this point. 

Hunter looked up at me, her eyes staring blankly into mine; how something could hold such pain yet such emptiness I didn't understand. "Why?" 

My heart dropped and I couldn't stop my eyes from glazing over; second by second my dreams were being stolen from me. "Because it scares me," my words were less than a whisper, even admitting it was difficult. 
I was scared because this was dangerous. I was scared because this was unhealthy. But most of all, I was scared because the idea of loosing Hunter was like removing the sun from the universe and expecting the planets to all work the same as before. The idea of loosing Hunter was like giving sight to a blind man only to through him back in the darkness seconds later. 
My words trembled, my lips could barely move, "It scares me because I don't want to loose you."

It was as if every wall Hunter had built up came tumbling down. Her eyes flooded with emotion and it was almost worse than the emptiness; such a depth that looking at her broke my heart. "You won't loose me." She sounded sure of it.

Though somehow I didn't find comfort in her words. I wouldn't be fooled again; I couldn't let myself be.  

I couldn't find any more strength in my voice than before, "Then tell me what happened." Maybe if I knew what had brought her to this state I could protect her from it ever happening again. I'd move mountains for Hunter, I'd tie a lasso around the moon and bring it down for her if that's what it took. 

Hunter's eyes never left mine for a moment, "I can't," Her words were suddenly quiet, fragile. 

"Why?" I thought there was nothing we would hide from one another. I'd opened my heart and soul to Hunter, told her every secret in the world and I thought she'd done the same. But now there another secret; another thing she would keep from me. I wasn't annoyed, but I was worried. 

Hunter slowly shut her eyes, "I can't talk about it. Please," her voice cracked, "don't make me talk about it."

I wrapped my arms around her again, resting my chin gently on the top of her head as her fingers gripped to the fabric on my back, "I just want you to be safe," I hushed, feeling one lonely tear roll down my cheek, "I don't need to know what happened but please, promise me you'll get better."

"I will," she quietly vowed, "I'm sorry."

"You don't need to be sorry," the silence was deafening, "Would you like me to make dinner?" I offered, thinking Hunter might want a distraction or taste of home. 

But she shook her head, her arms tightening around my torso, "can you just hold me for a little while longer?"

A small smile crept onto my face, not one of true happiness but one of relief. Maybe even peace because amidst the war she fought, Hunter found a solace with me just like I'd found with her; that was special. Hunter always seemed under the impression that she was difficult to truly love, that it was a challenge to be this infatuated with her. But I loved Hunter like it was breathing, I wouldn't understand how to live without my love for her. It was the most effortless thing that had ever come upon me, so much so that when my feelings were forbidden, many months ago, my thoughts still kept me up at night because no matter how many times I reminded myself that I wasn't allowed to feel those ways, my love for her never faded. And it never would. It was effortless to love her, impossible to not.

So I'd hold her forever if that's what she wanted. I'd stand here until my legs gave way and my arms were numb if it brought her comfort. 

I nodded, feeling how her body relaxed against my own, "Of course I'll hold you."

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so sorry for lack of updates! Will try and update more regularly!!

But thoughts on this chapter?