Like Real People Do - Jill Roord

I Didn't Miss Me

Hunter's POV

A month had passed, pre-season training was over and the opening weekend of the WSL was tomorrow. We had a game at Meadow Park against Aston Villa.

Usually I'd have spent today bouncing off the walls and filled with all the excitement of a child on Christmas Eve, but that wasn't the case. I'd gone to training and the minute Joe dismissed us, I headed straight to the taxi and was driven home, with the excuse of wanting to take a shower in my own bathroom.

Each day it was a new excuse; I had a parcel arriving, I wanted to miss the non-existent traffic, I was starving and wanted to eat, Alexia was calling me, Mapi was calling me, I didn't know if I'd locked the door, I didn't know if I was supposed to be meeting a friend. The list was endless, it had to be. 

Because the longer time went on for, the sloppier the act grew and the weaker the lies became. I'd built this character on the foundations of who I used to be, it was supposed to be the perfect replica, but those foundations were crumbling beyond repair as I lost her more with each passing day. Perhaps I didn't even know her anymore, it was likely that she'd become a stranger.
And with that, I didn't know who to be anymore.
Within my own company, I didn't have to be anyone, I was nothing; I drowned out the thoughts in my head and became a no body. Though in the presence of everyone else, I knew I was slipping up. I knew was loosing at the game I'd created and I couldn't find the rule book.
So I shut myself off. The minute I was able to leave their side, I ran.

I was living so much of my life in my head that the world outside began to fade. It was fake. Anything and everything outside the confines of these walls and the vault of my mind was fake. How could something feel real when it was all an act? When I was just playing a character?
I knew they existed, it felt like it was me who didn't. And if I didn't exist, nothing truly mattered.

But it did. I knew it did. Because I remembered how much I'd loved my life, loved my job and loved my friends. Life had never been perfect, but I'd never asked for it to be; I was happy and I was healthy, that's all I'd wished for. 
I wasn't that person anymore. She was gone, I didn't know how to bring her back.I even didn't know if I wanted to, she carried trauma much heavier than I could handle.Though then I'd think back to the people she'd loved and realize that it was the only thing we shared in common.
I tried reciting their names over and over like a prayer, I could forget and loose everything else from the person I used to be, but not them. Not ever. 

 So the prayer began again. Leah. Alexia. Wally. Katie. Mapi. Ona. Beth. Jordan. Jill.

Jill. The name I was forever caught up on, the only person who still forced light in the darkness of my life. The only person who made me miss the honest heart I used to carry. The person I hated lying to, though I'd hate for her to find out the truth far more.
In hindsight, I didn't miss me but I missed us. 

I felt that I'd poisoned the heaven we'd found, I'd blacked the clouds we used to sit on and drowned out the songs with the spirits which always clung to my back and warmed my stomach. I hoped she hadn't noticed the haze that had fallen upon our world, I hoped she truly did believe the act. She seemed to. 
Sometimes all I wanted was to be wrapped in Jill's arms, being held so tight that no one would ever even touch me. But then I'd open another bottle, pour another glass and if that wasn't enough for those urges to fade, I'd pour another. 

Eventually, as the days passed, I became more used to the separation. I'd spend my days with her and my evenings alone. We saw each other more than most other couples, that's what I told myself to make this all okay.

But at the end of the day, I knew that was all a lie, because nothing could ever make this okay. 

I knew life was never going to get any better, I'd never learn to bare this pain and the deepness of these cuts would never fade, they'd always bleed. The only way to numb that agony was to drink, and I must have become weak because I didn't even consider trying to go without anymore. I just couldn't do it. I didn't have it in me to fight.

I knew the answers to my life problems didn't lie at the bottom of a bottle, but once I reached the bottom, I usually felt better. Maybe that was a solution in itself; a temporary one at least. And temporary was better than nothing at all, numbness was better than agony and distance was better that hurting those I loved, ruining their careers and putting them into a state of constant worry and panic.

This way was kinder on everyone. 

I'd became so distant to everyone that I might have well of been a memory. I hoped they remembered me as the girl I used to be. But one person always came knocking and it seemed I'd always let her in; even when I was in no state to do so. Especially when I was in no state to do so. 

"Jill?" I looked to the taller girl who stood on my doorstep, a bag in hand. 

Jill's face tensed, she looked me up and down, "Hunter, are you okay?" There was a certain air of defeat to her words. 

I held my breath, "I'm fine, why?"

Jill just gently shook her head, "Can I come in?"

Panicking, I thought back to the state of the house and the mess it was in, but I couldn't turn her away, I'd never be able to turn Jill away. I nodded, "Yeah," regretting it the minute I stepped aside and Jill walked into the entryway. 

I brushed a hand through the knots of my hair, straightening out my jumper and focusing my vision on everything around me, trying to sober up in the seconds before Jill realized the mess. It was an event I couldn't avoid, it was a miracle she hadn't shown up at my house earlier to be honest. 

I saw Jill's shoulders stiffen, her breath caught in the back of her throat but she just continued to walk through the hallway, into the kitchen without saying anything about the havoc inside the house which had once been a home.

Following after her in complete confusion, I sat down at the island while she took the ingredients from the food, "I thought it would be nice to keep the tradition up," she whispered, her eyes set on the island, as if she was scared to look anywhere else. 

I furrowed my eyebrows, "What tradition?"

"I spoke to Alexia today," she told me. My heart stopped, I hadn't been trying to ignore my sister but I very rarely replied to her messages these days. Jill continued, "And she said that Nana used to make paella for you before the start of every season."

A pit formed in my stomach, I wished for it to swallow my whole, "She did," my voice was so quiet that it was almost inaudible. 

My eyes met Jill's, they were both laced with the memories from the past; wishes for it to return. It was at that moment I realized she knew the way I'd ruined our world, she knew that I was lying to her and she knew that I'd tried to run. I'd broken my promise to her whether I'd been trying to or not. But she still seemed to love me despite of those things. 

I think that was the realization that hurt the most. Jill loved me, she really loved me and I loved her too. But things weren't always that simple, we weren't that simple. 

I blinked, trying to clear the glassiness in my eyes and I coughed back the lump in my throat. To me love was nothing other than a pair of green eyes, I never wanted to see that pain in them, I especially never wanted to know that I'd been the one to cause that pain.

"Thankyou Jilly."

It didn't feel like my heart was a burden I could bestow on her, I didn't want to unload my troubles onto someone so kind. So kind that she wouldn't tell me when it was too much. So kind that I'd end up dragging her into the darkness with me. 

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thoughts and predictions?