Like Real People Do - Jill Roord

A Girl Like The Wind

Jill's POV

I'd been ready to drop out of the Netherlands camp this international break, maybe take some time off and wallow in my bed for a while too long, but Viv and Danielle hadn't allowed it so I'd joined the Dutch team after all. 
They thought the distraction would be good for me, they encouraged me to keep busy and surround myself with friends and while I appreciated their efforts, nothing was ever going to stop the bleeding of the wounds I had. 

I saw Hunter everywhere. Absolutely everywhere; which was a miracle considering she'd never stepped foot in these facilities. 
I thought I'd leave and that would be it. I thought I'd leave and maybe I'd start to forget. I thought I'd leave and then she'd be gone. That is all I'd hoped for at least.
And Hunter was gone but still she somehow everywhere; shadows of us danced in every room we'd ever stepped foot in, I saw her face in every stranger and remembered her magnificence whenever someone spoke, for they never quite matched her ethereal ways and enigmatic mannerisms. I thought she'd leave my head in a week or two, if I didn't see or hear her, how could I still remember her for every minute of everyday? How could she still be here?
I was left in the mess she'd made, smashed splinters remained in my skin even though I'd scrubbed them clean weeks ago. I had left but still, she wasn't gone. Hunter was everywhere. Absolutely everywhere. 

Hunter hadn't made it to the Spanish camp. Neither had Alexia or Mapi. The media was in a frenzy about it, I could tell Vilda was furious but he refused to disclose any further information and excused their absences with 'a personal situation'. 
I knew I'd been a fool to hope Alexia could solve everything with the click of her fingers, but I'd always been hopelessly optimistic and knowing I was out on the pitch while Hunter might never play again, never became any easier. 

I wanted to detach. I needed to detach. 

But I'd loved Hunter, and while I hated her for setting fire to our peace, I still missed her hopelessly. My eyes still searched for her face in every room though then I'd remember how she'd never searched for me. I missed the way her hand used to lay in mine until I remembered the fact that she'd have just pushed me way. I missed her laugh until I realized that I'd forgotten what it sounded like and I missed her smile until she'd pushed me away sobbing. I missed the fantasy and peace until I remembered the fire which had destroyed our lives. Her. 
But still, I couldn't lie and say that I resented the girl I'd known. I may have resented the stranger she grew to be, but I'd never be able to leave those memories behind; that girl on the side of the road who had a spirit which frightened the most confident of people, yet pulled in every soul I'd ever seen. Hunter hadn't been like anyone else I'd ever met; her existence was a scandal and once you'd met her, you could never forget her - nobody knew that quite like me. 
Though I reminded myself that I'd lost that girl long ago. It was scary to think back to the months when I'd been so certain that I'd know her forever... that I'd know us forever. 

"Jill," I heard the hushed voice of Viv who lay in the bed besides me. 

It must've been long pass midnight and I hadn't even tried to close my eyes because every time darkness arrived, her face followed soon after. 

"Jill you really must sleep," She told me softly, "We're flying to England in a few hours, try and get some sleep."

"I know," I sighed, "I just-"

"You just can't sleep because you're worried about her," she breathed; Viv had heard this story a thousand times before. 

I couldn't lie to Viv when she already knew the truth, she was one of the few people who knew the mess that had happened to my life, "Yeah."

"Alexia and Mapi are with her, Jill," She reminded me, "Hunter's in the safest hands possible, she's going to be okay."

I gulped, praying that Viv was right, though I couldn't shake that feeling of wanting to be there for Hunter even though I knew I'd never be there again. I wouldn't ever be the person to hold her tight or wipe away her tears but a small part of me would always want to be, I'd always want to know that someone was looking after her and I knew I'd done everything I could to keep her safe. But that was the thing, I'd done it all. 

It was over now. 

And those girls had been right on the very first night I met Hunter Putellas; she lived in a reality of her own and I was hooked on understanding that world, I'd been so pulled into her acidic dream land that I was now left stranded in a limbo of real life and the life I'd lived with her. I was lost without her because for the last months I'd just followed her around for I was so enchanted by the journey she took me on; I'd never expected that road to turn so sour, but one night I'd woken up and realized heaven wasn't heaven at all.
So I'd fallen in love with Hunter, with a girl who was like the wind and I guess that I'd always been somewhat like the ocean; hugely predictable and methodic. So in our brightest moments, we worked in perfect harmony like some Caribbean paradise yet on our darker days, we brewed storms powerful enough to sink ships and waves big enough to drown entire cities. My life had only been a singular thing to be destroyed in that wreck. 

"Yeah," I breathed.

I knew everything would move on, I knew days would pass like they always had and the seasons would eventually change but I couldn't imagine all of that happening without Hunter by my side. 
Though I'd have to learn. I'd have to learn to accept those days rolling by and the changes of the weather.

Life wouldn't stop for my sorrows and my world wouldn't end just because I didn't have that one smile besides me. 

"And Jill," Viv moved to sit on the end of my bed, I could now see her face and the way her eyes bored right into mine.

"Yes?" I gulped.

"She will get better."

And those four words brought me right back to when I'd walked out. When I'd given her the final choice and she'd put her demons first. That was the morning when I realized I couldn't help her anymore because I'd done everything in my power to make her better and ultimately I was just hiding her pain from the world; that was the moment I walked downstairs and saw her in my sweater, drunk before breakfast had even ended, and I knew that I could do nothing more. The most I could do was to leave and stop protecting her from the world. 

Tears glassed over my eyes and that lump formed again in my throat, I knew I needed to move on but I couldn't understand how that would possibly ever happen if my entire days still revolved around that girl like the wind.
After I'd left nothing made any sense, for days I'd been living in a fever dream designed to be my worst nightmare; it felt like the world was ending yet the sun kept rising day after day and everyone else around me talked and laughed just like usual. I hadn't understood it at all until in that moment I realized that my world had ended. It was just that everyone elses' had stayed alive.