Like Real People Do - Jill Roord

Eyes Of Red

Hunter's POV

Without even thinking I ran, before Alexia's eyes had fully settled into mine, I was grasping onto the banister and feeling my feet trip up the stairs towards the closest door I could find. It was like I didn't even know my own house. It was like I didn't even know my own body. 

"Hunter!" My sister called, I could hear the sound of her footsteps behind me, but it was only a blur in the scribbles of my mind; a grain of sand at the bottom of the heaviest ocean. 

My fingers clutched onto the doorknob as I threw myself into the bathroom and slammed the door behind me, my lungs were heavy as my heart beat faster than it had ever before. I pushed the lock with my shaky hands and found myself on the tiled floor, the room spun around me as my the beat of my heart thumped through my ears and my useless attempts at breathing were the only other sound I could register. 
I wished for the world to swallow me hole, I prayed that I'd never existed in the first place. I wanted to be nothing, I begged for no one to remember me and for the name Hunter Putellas to be erased from history. I wished to be gone. Though even more than that, I wished that I'd never been here in the first place.

"Hunter let me in!" My sister begged from the other side of the door, her hands pounding on the wood which muffled their shouts, or maybe my head was the thing to tune out the desperation in their voices. 

Everything was foggy, that short adrenaline rush was fading and the comedown turned my eyes heavy and heart to stone, there was a rock weighing down my chest missing its' center; I felt like I should've been dying, it certainly felt like my final hour was soon, but as the world slowly faded from around me, I felt like I wouldn't be so lucky to die tonight. 

"Hunts please," It was Leah, "Let us in. We just want to help," I could hear the pain in her words, so raw and real, I wished I had a bottle hidden in here to drink them into silence.

My sister shouldn't be here. Neither should Mapi. They were the two people who I'd always tried to hide this from, they were the people this would kill, they were the people who'd be hurt by me too many times in the past.
I promised them this wouldn't happen again. I'd promised myself this wouldn't happen again.
But here I was, rocking back and forth on the bathroom floor in a house I didn't recognize, screams turned into murmurs and the life I'd dreamed of, turned into hell.

My throat was dry, "Go away," I begged of them. 

I wished they'd leave me here to rot. It's what I deserved. It's what people wanted... It's what I wanted. 

"Please," I tried to gulp back the tears, "Just leave me alone."

I knew I wouldn't be able to survive the fear in those green eyes of my older sister, I wouldn't be able to hear her words which quivered or feel the strength of her arms around me, those arms reminded me of the love she had for me - the love I didn't deserve. 
I couldn't look into Mapi's eyes and believe everything would be okay, I wouldn't be able to hear her voice and think I even deserved a chance at life after this. 
I'd never be able to see Leah's face and know that I'd brought this pain upon her. 
And then there was Jill.

My Jilly.

Just the thought of her made me sob. Those green eyes and that sunshine smile which I'd ruined when I'd brought war upon our once peaceful world. I'd wrecked us and in the process I'd also made a wreck of her; the girl who'd done no wrong, the girl who deserved far better than me. 

"Hunter," It was the voice of my sister. 

I pulled my hands away from my ears, I hadn't realized they'd been there in the first place. I looked up to the door and noticed how I'd hidden my face in the darkness. There was silence. I couldn't hear Mapi's pleads or Leah's pounding at the door. It was just Alexia. 

"Hunter it's me," Alexia's voice was calm, her words somehow felt warm, "I'm not sure if you're listening but I want you to know something... I want you to know that I can't fix all your problems, I wish I could but the world doesn't work that way. Though you'll never have to face anything alone. I might not have all the answers or solutions, but I do have all the time in the world for you. Always. I'm sorry if you feel like I haven't been around, I'm sorry if I should've called more, I'm sorry that I didn't come sooner," Alexia's voice cracked and suddenly the fog cleared slightly, "But I'm here now Hunts. I really, really love you. Please just unlock the door so I can sit with you; we don't have to talk just yet but I know you'll get through this."

I shook my head as the tears began to spill down my cheeks, "I don't think I will this time," the words choked me, I felt my head falling under the current as I looked to the door where I knew my sister sat behind. 

"You will. You will get better, it might just take a little time," Alexia sounded so certain, though I couldn't have felt less in agreement with her. 

I didn't know a sober life. I didn't know if I wanted a sober life. I didn't want to remember anymore and forgetting was easier than moving on. For I'd never be able to forget their faces; Nana, Maya, Jill. But at night, I knew that I'd never forget their voices; Mateo, Andres, Vilda, Marco, Gabriel. Their words on a constant loop in my head, Mateo's hands never left my neck and my anger would never settled towards Andres. 

But Alexia was kind. Alexia was the sister who'd spent her first pay cheque on a new pair of boots for me, she was the sister who'd kept Christmas magical and turned my childhood house into a home. 
I stretched my arm towards the lock and with the tips of my fingers, pushed it to the side.

"I don't get it," My head fell into my lap again, I was overcome with exhaustion after doing nothing but lie there on the sofa, "I just don't get it."

I felt Alexia sit next to me, I was comforted by the fact I didn't feel her gaze on my frame, "What don't you understand?" 

I lifted my head up, our eyes met for a brief moment though my heart grew heavy with guilt as I saw the reddened eyes of my older sister; I was putting everyone through hell once again. "I don't get anything," My words were quieter than a whisper, it was at that moment which I realized life was a game I hadn't been designed for. Life was a riddle which I'd never figure out and a song with a rhythm I couldn't match. 
Life wasn't clear anymore, it was a daily blur which passed me by like a gust of wind as I lay on that sofa drinking each bottle dry. After one glass everything felt less real, less painful. After three or four I could begin to ignore the pain. After a bottle or two, I didn't even know where I was anymore and there wasn't a comfort greater than that. 

"What happened hermosa?" Alexia's eyes softened, her voice shook, she couldn't keep up the facade anymore; it wouldn't take a genius to see that not everything was okay. 

Alexia brought her palm to my face and gently wiped the tear which rolled down my cheek, "I don't know," My voice broke even when I spoke quieter than the breeze of a summers' day, "I really don't know."

"come here," Alexia cautiously outstretched her arms. 

I found my face nuzzled into her chest as her arms wrapped tightly around my torso, her chin on the crowd of head. There it was. There was that love which I'd been so frightened to see. But that love didn't make things better, it didn't make life any easier and it certainly couldn't replace that relief which alcohol provided. Nothing could.

I loved Alexia. I loved Mapi. I loved Leah. 

And I'd truly loved Jill. I'd truly loved her with everything I had. 

But I couldn't properly love them while my mind was at war with itself and the entire of my reality. I couldn't stop that war without a bottle in hand and eyes of red. 

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I haven't written Hunter's story in a while (apologies) as I was catching up the storyline of Alexia's book, so I hope the writing is good? Tell me what you think because I'm not sure about this chapter!