Like Real People Do - Jill Roord

I'm Sorry

TW: PTSD

Hunter's POV

I woke up yet I could still feel the waves crashing above, holding me under this tiring current. The effort to open my eyes somehow felt like lifting the entire world by one finger as the light flooded in, blinding me slightly for just a second.

Looking beside me, I saw Alexia sitting in her armchair, she smiled at me softly, "You're awake," she said, yawning.

I nodded, not sure if it was good or not to have awoken, "I'm awake."

"How are you feeling?" Alexia, leaned her fist against her cheeks, titling her head. 

"I'm alright," I lied, wanting to forget last night had ever happened as the shame clouded above my head. 

Alexia raised her eyebrows, sending me a knowing look, "We don't have to talk about it now, but I'd like to make you some breakfast."

Thankful Alexia would drop it for now, I nodded, "Sounds good. Where's Mapi?"

Alexia looked a little past me, making me turn around as I saw a sleeping Mapi besides me; she looked so peaceful with her head nuzzled into the pillow and silent snores leaving her mouth. 

"She just got to sleep," Alexia whispered, "She stayed up all night to hold you."

I frowned slightly, guilt ridden for putting Mapi through that again, "She didn't have to do that."

"Mapi wanted to," Alexia sighed, "She loves you."

I tore my eyes away from my blonde best friend, "I know."
I loved Mapi too, I loved Mapi with my entire heart, so putting her through the events of last night hurt. The image of the fear and heartbreak hiding in her eyes would forever be engrained in my memory, her words tried to comfort me but I'd felt the shaking of her fingers telling a different story.

Alexia lightly smiled, "Come on, let's make some breakfast."

My body ached as I walked down the stairs, my knees feeling stiff as a rusted tin man and my head throbbing like thousands of tiny drills were at work. I sat down at Alexia's island, settling my head on my hands as I watched her open the fridge. 

"What do you fancy?" She asked, trying to be especially sunny to bring my mood up. 

"What's on offer?" I smiled at my older sister who'd always loved to play chef. 

Alexia took a look in the cupboards, "Pancakes?"

I nodded, "Sounds great," nothing sounded appealing so I'd have settled for whatever she suggested first. 

Alexia began measuring out the mixture, "Have you got any plans for today Hunter?"

"I agreed to take Leah and some of the girls around the city then to our favorite restaraunt for dinner," I sighed, regretting the itinerary which I'd set up for myself. I just wanted to crawl back into bed and wither there forever, but Alexia read that thought so easily on my face.

"It might be good to get out," she suggested, "It will keep you distracted and Leah will look after you."

Suddenly, I remembered the entire party and that only hours ago, this room had been filled with my teammates, "Was the party successful?"

Alexia shrugged, turning her back to me as she began to pour the mixture into frying pans, "I think everyone had a good time, they went to a club when things took a turn. Leah was worried about you though, I text her to say everything was alright."

I hated people seeing this weaker, more vulnerable side of me because I enjoyed leaving the impression that I had not a single care in the world, I wanted people to think I was one of those lucky souls who had it so easy, I needed people to think I was strong. No one ever saw me cry, apart from my dearest friends, and I wanted to keep it that way because once you let someone in, you give them the ability to hurt you.
Letting someone in, is handing them a dagger and eventually it always ends up in your back and they're long gone. Most of the time you don't even see it happening, they pull you into a hug and seconds later you're bleeding out on the floor. 

Humans are messed up as a species, it's important to remember that. 

"Okay," I responded quietly, ashamed to have made such a fuss.

Alexia served up the pancakes, cutting up strawberries and sprinkling chocolate flakes like she'd always done when we were growing up. She sat beside me with her own plate as she began to eat. I cut up my breakfast but couldn't bring myself to eat it; I still felt sick to my stomach. 

"I'm sorry," I whispered, the guilt hitting me like a train as I stood defenseless on the tracks.

Alexia put down her fork, turning her head towards me, "For what?"

I couldn't bring myself to lock eyes with Alexia. I knew Alexia too well, I didn't want to read the pain in her eyes and she knew me too well, I didn't want her to see the complete depth in my emotions. "For making such a fuss last night."

Alexia shook her head, immediately pulling me into a hug, "You have nothing to be sorry about," She told me quietly, kissing the crown of my head. 

I didn't respond, I couldn't respond because I'd always be riddled with the guilt from it and Alexia would always hold the firm opinion of hating my apologies. 
It annoyed me so greatly that my brain worked like this, I was so sure that I'd seen him and even more painfully, I was so sure that she'd be coming home. Now, I knew that it had all been false but I'd never understand how my eyes could be so cruelly deceitful and my mind always fell for it. It was as if, even my own body worked against me.

"You never have anything to be sorry about, alright Hunter?" Alexia held me by the shoulders, speaking directly in my eyes so I had no choice but to read her honesty. 

I raised my eyebrows, half nodding as I looked back down to my plate, "I just wish it had turned out different, you know?" I muttered, thinking back to all those years ago. The years which had now passed me by but would never fully leave me. 

Alexia sent a sympathetic smile my way, "I know you do but you couldn't have done anymore. You do know that, don't you?"

I shrugged, biting the skin of my lips, "I guess," I whispered, just so Alexia would leave me alone. Though the truth was that there wasn't a day which passed me by, when I didn't think of what I could have done differently.

"I really think you should go out with your friends today though," Alexia advised me, "It will be good for you to get fresh air."

"I'll go," I agreed, "Do you and Mapi want to join us for dinner?"

Alexia nodded, smiling a little wider, "As long as I don't get stuck with that Katie girl again."

"You two will become friends eventually," I rolled my eyes.

"I'm not so sure about that. All she talks about is my goals," Alexia chuckled. 

I suddenly thought back to Mapi, who was still fast asleep; I didn't want to wake her seeing as she'd been awake all night but I didn't want to leave her without a message so I jotted down a note on a piece of paper. I thanked her for last night and assured her I'd see her at dinner, handing it to Alexia to give to her. 

"I'm going to go and get ready," I sighed, "Thankyou for breakfast Lex."

"You barely touched it," Alexia frowned. 

"I'm sorry, I'm just not hungry right now," I think the food would have come straight back up so I'd done us all a favor. 

"Okay amor," Alexia stood up, stroking my hair as she looked at my face; she seemed to have a habit of doing that and creating these overly emotional moments, "You have a fun day, I'm a phone call away if you need me. Always remember that."

"I do," I assured her, "I love you Lex," I pulled her into a tight hug somehow already missing Alexia for when I had to go back to England. 

"I love you too," she breathed.

I hated that Spain held awful memories or I think it would be the perfect home for me; I'd have my entire world there within the two souls of Mapi and Alexia. I didn't need anything else in life apart from those smiles but I did long for that comforting safety which Spain would never hold for me. Plus, Arsenal was my club at heart, I'd found a home there whilst my childhood home had been wrecked. No one would ever quite understand it because I chose never to tell them but Arsenal had saved me, whilst Barcelona had raised me.