Like Real People Do - Jill Roord

I Was The Problem

Hunter's POV

I'd love to say I was numb, but I was very much the opposite. Every bone in my body ached, my heart was a weight I couldn't bear to carry and my soul had been torn apart, on top of that I was drowning in this completely ruthless exhaustion. I couldn't sleep unless I was passed out cold, and even that was a two hour nap which was flooded with nightmares, where I'd wake and somehow be even worse rested.

But today I'd tried to be good. Today I was trying. I hadn't drunk anything, not even a drop, when I found myself reaching for the bottle I slapped my hand away and made sure to stay far away from those cupboards. 
I expected it would be easier, I expected to see Jill and forget all of my worries but even my love for her didn't make my world bright. 

I felt awful. We'd spent so long apart and all I wanted to do was talk to her but I couldn't. I simply couldn't. I'd open my mouth and realize something was holding me back, it hurt too much to think and I had no stories to tell. None I could tell her at least.

My love for Jill hadn't died, it hadn't faded nor had it dimmed. But something within me had. That was the problem. I was the problem. 

Jill let out a loud sigh, I knew she was worried. She knew me better than anyone, I couldn't hide from her, but I could close my thoughts off to her. And that's exactly what I'd have to do, she couldn't find out. She couldn't find out about any of it. 
"What are you thinking about?" She asked me. 

Our eyes met, I instantly wanted to turn away but for some reason I couldn't, "nothing. You?"

Jill's expression tightened, "I'm thinking about you."

I rolled my eyes, trying to pull a smirk onto my face and act like I always did, like I always used to. "Thanks for the flattery."

"You know that's not what I mean," Jill gently shook her head, "What's wrong Hunter?"

"Nothing's wrong," I quickly replied, though even I wouldn't have been convinced by my quavering tone.

Jill lowered her head slightly, of course she didn't believe me, "Talk to me," she pleaded.

Part of me wanted to tell her, then another part of me was thankful that I couldn't. Telling Jill wouldn't make everything better, she'd want me to confront the problems and people that I'd rather hide from. But part of me knew why I couldn't talk to her, why I couldn't even form a single conversation with the person I loved most in the world; it was because I had too much to hide, I'd shut myself off too much and my soul had paid the price. 

"I don't want to talk," I looked down to the table.

I felt Jill lean closer to me, "Is it Nana? Because maybe you could talk to Alexia and-"

"It's not Nana," Just the mention of my sister's name made me feel sick; Alexia had done so much to save me, I couldn't imagine her terror to learn that I'd thrown her efforts away. She wouldn't find out, she never would. 

"Then what is it Hunts?" 

Jill's voice hurt me, Jill was hurting me, because all I wanted to do was go back to normal. I loved our life, I loved every single aspect of it, but for some reason, I couldn't find it within myself to live it. I couldn't even find it within myself to feel alive. But I wanted to be, for her. 

I shook my head, feeling a lump form at the back of my throat as the pain broke free of my bones and into my blood, "I can't tell you," My voice was almost silent, far less than a whisper.

Had I said too much? I shouldn't have said that, my mind began to spiral, running away from me as I tried to run away from the world. I didn't want to partake in it for now, I needed a temporary death. I needed for it all to just stop. 
And if I couldn't have that, I needed a drink. Badly. 

Jill chest deflated, she'd never been good at hiding her expression, "But it's me," her voice broke. 

I slowly closed my eyes, I tried blinking away the tears but they wouldn't go. "I can't tell you." I knew I should've stopped the minute I started talking, but as the tears rolled down my cheeks, I felt myself begin to crumble, the walls I'd tried to build were crashing down and all I felt was that horrific pain. 

"But I thought we didn't keep secrets," Jill sounded so innocent, so worried; it broke me. I didn't want her to be worried, I wanted her to be enjoying life back in England and I wanted to be right by her side. She didn't understand that I was doing this for her own good, she didn't understand what would happen if she knew. If she knew about any of the many secrets I'd found myself harboring. 

She was right though; we didn't keep secrets. Not anymore. And now I understood why even more so, because the weight of this was too much to bear, it was a load I couldn't carry alone. "I want to tell you," I tried to catch my breath, but even that was running away from me, "I just... I just can't."

Jill was silent for a moment or two, giving me the time to finally look up at her through blurred vision and teary eyes. Jill could see the fear in my eyes, it was something I couldn't hide and I read the way her face dropped when she found it, "What have they got on you?" She slowly asked. 

I furrowed my eyebrows ever so slightly, gulping back the tears. 

"Hunter," Jill laid her hand over my own, "Whatever you did, whatever happened, I will help. I will stay by your side no matter-"

At that point I snapped, the pain turned into this fury and the drowning sadness turned into a fire, "Why are you assuming I've done something?"

Jill seemed shocked by my reaction, her eyes widening. 

"Why Jill?" I pressed.

"Then what happened?" Jill slightly raised her voice, talking over me. 

"I can't tell you!" I wasn't angry at Jill, I knew that, but the lines between her and the rest of the world had become blurred, I couldn't distinguish between the two. 

Jill held her breath, she looked scared to say anything more. 

I couldn't sit here. I couldn't feel like this anymore. I couldn't look at her because she made me feel everything which I didn't want to.

I needed a drink. 

I stood up, "I'm going home."

Jill joined me on her feet, "Hunter don't go," she pleaded, "Let us talk and sort this out."

I shook my head, "There's nothing to sort out," I began walking towards the door, I needed to numb the pain. I just needed to forget.

Jill followed me, "I'm sorry liefe," I could hear the desperation in her words.

"It's not your fault. It's mine."

Jill paused, "I just want to understand, I want to help."

My face fell ever so slightly, I took a step towards Jill and left a soft kiss on her cheek, "thankyou for trying, but I need to go home."

I needed to be alone even though this was the first company I'd had since leaving camp. 

"Let me come with you," Jill spoke up. 

I couldn't let that happen, not only would I not be able to drink, but the house was a mess. The house was in a state and Jill would see that and worry even more, also learning that I hadn't spent these free weeks cleaning like I'd somehow convinced her of. 

"I'm sorry Jilly," I truly was, "I need to sort my head out alone, I'll see you tomorrow though."

"At training?" She questioned, her face falling so hopelessly that I had to look away. 

I nodded, "At training."

I then walked out, knowing if I stayed for any longer the guilt would have consumed me and I'd have stayed. I'd have stayed and it all would have gotten worse. I wished I could have taken my outburst back, excuse my emotions; I knew that I should've kept them all to myself. I needed to get better at building up that wall, I needed to get better at being okay. Or at least pretending to be.