Like Real People Do - Jill Roord

Her Or I

Hunter's POV

I think this was a battle I was always destined to loose, right since I'd poured my first drink a small part of my soul knew I was hooked. Maybe I could've fought it years ago, but now it was too late. Too late to fix things. To fix us. 

Jill couldn't save me but I hated that she'd ever consider letting me go, I wanted to grasp onto her hand until that very last moment; hold onto every second before I fell into the darkness of her absence which I knew would poison me slowly. Or more so that I'd poison myself slowly. I didn't want to know life without her again, the prospect of it terrified me. 
But I'd hurt her. Time and time again. I'd put her through hell, she kept my secret as I hid my own skeletons from her. She'd done nothing other than look after me, going out in the middle of the night to find me passed out in an alleyway or cleaning the house because I didn't have the care to. Jill had done nothing other than love me. 
I'd always thought I was the only vulnerable one in this relationship, the one at risk of getting burned. I thought I was the person who couldn't cope with the bad moments in life and mourned the things which I cannot have. But actually, I am no better than the people who used to hurt me, because I am just as ugly and cruel as they were.
So why was Jill still here? Why could she look at me and promise to stand by my side through this hell? Why did she continue to love me? Why hadn't she just left? I would always hate myself for doing this, for what I'd done to her every day just because I could not deal with my own problems in life.

Please, Jill, forgive me.

Please, leave; don't let me hurt you anymore. 

But, no. 

Please. 

Stay. Stay. Stay.

I need you.
I need you to feel like myself. I need you to feel alive. I need you too much, I need you to the point it's unhealthy and you are my only reason for being here.
But I've hurt you. And most of all, I don't know how to stop hurting you. 

So please, leave.
Leave and find a way to erase my memories of you because with me by your side you'll never find peace. But with the absence of you in my own life, I doubt I'd make it through a day. 

That's what I wished to tell Jill, that's what the tiny voice in my drunken mind cried out. Stay, stay, stay. But the little piece of my heart which was left wanted her to leave, Jill needed to leave because I would only drag her down, I was a weight no one should have to bare; I was the weight people tie to their ankles only to drown in the depths of the Atlantic. 

With trembling hands, Jill rested the bottle back on the countertop behind her, her eyes searched mine for answers but I found myself staring blankly at the girl I loved.  And it was suddenly like nothing mattered again, nothing mattered except the bottle sitting behind Jill. I'd found myself constantly fighting against myself, the old Hunter would cry to get out but by the time she'd found her voice, the rest of me had silenced her. 

Jill or the alcohol?
My future or her own?
My unjust selfishness or my final display of love?

I couldn't even feel my feet as I took a step towards Jill, my head spun and eyes turned hollow. As I outstretched my arms, I saw her take a sigh of relief, I saw how the smile tugged at her lips and the tears glaze her eyes in such a golden manner. Sunshine girl; that's who she was. 

That relief was probably the thing which broke me the most. 

Though somehow the tears that spilled down her face were even more painful as I took a grip of the bottle from behind her. A desperate sob escaped Jill's mouth as she continued to look into my eyes, I knew she was begging me to ask her to stay. But I knew if she stayed, she'd never leave; she'd never be able to get out of this prison cell. 

"So that's it?" her voice trembled, her words so quiet that they'd only been heard because of the fragile silence echoing around the house, "This is the end?" 

I gulped, tears welled in my own eyes as I knew this was the end. The end of us. Probably the end of me; I think Jill had been the person to truly make me come alive. Not anymore though, I'd lost too much of myself and loosing Jill was probably the final lock in the chains of my own person hell.

"You asked me to make the choice," My mouth was dry, throat raw. 

Jill's words were soft as her eyes trailed down to the bottle hanging in my hand, "I didn't think you'd make that one."

I'd never seen Jill's face so fragile, I'd never seen her eyes that deep and I'd never known her features to unravel into such hopelessness. She looked at me, she still looked at me, and looked as if she begged me to change my decision. She begged me to go back to a moment ago, she wanted me to embrace her rather than the bottle. She begged to be a greater comfort than alcohol ever could be. 
And I knew she was. I knew she was my safe haven and touch of heaven on Earth, she was the garden of Eden I'd been lucky enough to stumble into and the sun which I would be forever greatful I'd been able to admire. She was everything and more. She was the dream and I, the nightmare. 
I couldn't pull her into the darkness and there was so much darkness that I couldn't find a way out. Her or I; that had been my choice. 

And this time Hunter spoke up loud enough to be heard, this time she'd found her voice and wouldn't let it be ignored. Her was my decision. 

"I'm sorry Jilly," I looked to floor. 

She took my hand gently and pressed it up against her cheek, I looked up to find those kind green eyes of hers, the eyes I'd fallen into and instantly adored, "It's okay," She comforted me with the smallest of smiles on her face. 

I wasn't deserving of the comfort. I wished she'd hate me, I wished she'd yell and resent me for all the bad I'd brought into her life. But Jill was too kind for that, her heart of gold and soul of color offered me far too much love. 

A lonely tear rolled down my face, "I-" I stopped myself.

Jill paused, "What?" She whispered, begging for it to be a plead for her to stay. 

I had swallowed my 'I love you' right before it could cross my lips, it had tasted sweet, bitter and perfect. I had tried to force it across my tongue but right as it reached my teeth I swallowed it back down. I was afraid if I said I love you once more that Jill might stay. I was afraid because I knew she could no longer carry the weight of my heart; I wouldn't let her. 

I gently shook my head, my arm fell limply to my side and my hand felt unavoidably empty, "You should probably go."

Jill's fingers lightly traced her cheek where my once had once been, where it had been a thousand times before, where it had just laid for the last time. 

It hurt to even think about how we'd been before, my eyes casted to the picture behind Jill which sat on the countertop. It was me, Nana, Jill, Mapi and Alexia; it had been taken on the final team night. It broke my heart to see us so happy because I knew it would never happen again. Even standing here as the world caved in around us, I wished it would be Jill and I in the end. I think I'd always believe it would be us in the end. Even when we were long over. Even when she'd moved on. Even as I drunk the world dry. And even in every lifetime after this one.
Her and I. Jill and Hunter. That was how things were supposed to end.
But now they were ending like this.

With a goodbye. 

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