Like Real People Do - Jill Roord

I Wasn't Enough

Jill's POV

Training was coming to an end and thank god for that. I knew I'd played awfully today, I realized I'd failed to defend in most of the drills and my attempts of attacking had been even poorer. My mind was in many places, football just wasn't one of them. 
I regretting coming into training this morning because it meant leaving Hunter alone all day; that thought terrified me. Usually she wasn't ready when I picked her up in the mornings but before today she'd always let me cook her breakfast and wash her hair, she'd never refused to go to training before. I'd love to say Hunter had never seemed so distant but I hadn't found the girl I loved to be near in a long time, today wasn't the first time I'd been with that stranger. 

I could feel Hunter's soul untangling itself from my own, I could feel the color from hers draining and mine trying to replace that rainbow, but she was slipping through my fingers and it was leaving an emptiness that only she had filled, that I had once tried so hard to ignore. Her soul no longer needed mine, that is what it had decided, though I liked to think, in some bittersweet cruelty, that she'd have chosen differently if her mind was truly there. My heart no longer fit next to hers and the brightness we once had was fading with each passing day, with each hour that dragged by.I wanted to hold onto Hunter and never let go but I know I couldn't. I knew that I couldn't love Hunter into loving me like she once had, into loving herself, into loving this world, this life.
I didn't know what to do, I didn't know if there was anything I could do. 

"What's wrong with Hunter?" Viv casually asked as her, Manu and Leah all walked towards me in the changing room where I was rushing to get back to Hunter's house. 

I looked down, "She's got a headache, but she should be in tomorrow," I tried to keep my tone stable, the team couldn't know the truth; I'd done everything to keep her struggles quiet for months on end, I couldn't mess up now. 

"Good," Viv commented, "I'm glad it's just a headache, I've been worried about her lately."

I quickly sat up, my hands began to shake after seeing how Leah's eyes had also widened, "She's doing great, why would you be worried?" I feared my voice might tremble then the spiral of secrets would begin to unravel before I could find a way to lock them back up.

Viv shrugged, pulling her kit bag off the hook, "She's quiet recently and you two often turn up late."

I gulped, being quick to reply, "Well she's fine."

I wish I could've believed myself. 

"I was just checking in," Viv cautiously responded before awkwardly raising a hand, "Bye guys. Jill, I assume you're going back to see Hunter tonight."

I nodded, my throat too tight to speak. 

"Well I'll see you later this evening then," Viv nodded, our corner of the changing room suddenly felt awkwardly quiet. 

"I better be heading off too," Manu muttered, looking to the floor, "Send my love to Hunter, Jill."

"Will do," I tapped my fingers on the bench, feeling the knot in my chest tighten. 

Manu and Viv both walked away and with the relief of the questions being over I hid my face in my hands, terrified that I might have messed up but thankful for them to be gone. 

Leah sat down besides me, seeming stiff and rather anxious, "Jill," She said quietly.

I looked up to her to find she was already staring at me with this pained look in her eyes, "What?" I feared her answer. 

"Hunter hasn't got a headache, has she?" I could see the words leaving the blonde's mouth hurt her and to be honest they hurt me too. 

I opened my mouth to reply but I couldn't find the words, my heart raced and stopped all at once as I prayed for the ground to swallow me whole and put me back into a time when Hunter and I were happy.