Like Real People Do - Jill Roord

I Prayed

Jill's POV

An idea sparked in my mind, I pushed past Leah and searched through the kitchen cabinets; every bottle was empty. Then I rushed into the lounge, leaning down underneath the sofa where Hunter normally kept bottles, hiding them until I tied up each night; those bottles were empty too.

"What are you doing?" Leah asked me. 

I shook my head, struggling to find air, "There's nothing left here, she'll have gone to get more."

"What are you talking about?" Leah gulped, "Do you know where Hunter is?"

I slowly got to my feet again, "Possibly."

"Well where?" I could see Leah was panicked; Hunter was like a sister to her, they'd known and loved one another for years, they were family. 

I began pacing towards the door, Wally and Leah quickly followed behind me, "She'll be in a pub, a bar, maybe a shop - anywhere she can buy a drink."

Neither of them wanted to believe it. Neither of them wanted to believe it had gotten this bad. "Are you sure?" Lia pleaded for it to be a cruel joke of some sort. 

I shut my eyes for a moment, "She won't go sober."

I hated talking about Hunter like this, it felt wrong and I didn't even recognize who I was speaking of; this person was a stranger, vastly different from the girl I'd known. Maybe I liked to believe sparks and aspects of Hunter were still there but deep down I knew that she hadn't been close in a long time; I wasn't even sure when her soul had started to fade, all I knew was that I'd realized too late to save it. 

Soon Leah, Lia and I had split up and were searching for Hunter on the streets near her house, leading towards the road of bars and restaurants which were nearby. Even if the street was only three minutes down the road, the seconds all passed me by with too much haste and as my eyes frantically searched every last alleyway and strip of pavement, I begged to find her. I begged to see a glimpse of her brown hair and greyed eyes. I just wanted to know Hunter was safe. I needed her to be safe. 

I entered the first shop, still having no call from Leah or Wally. The shop was small and as I paced down the two aisles, I knew she wasn't here. 

"Have you see a young, tall brunette?" I asked the man sitting behind the till as he mindlessly scrolled through his phone.

He didn't respond.

"Hello?" I waved my hand in front of his face, normally I'd have acted more refined and softer but I didn't care for how this man judged me, I just needed to find Hunter. "Has a girl come in this shop - tall, early twenties, brunette?"

He just shrugged, "I wouldn't know," He looked back down to his phone, paying me no attention. 

"It's urgent!" I raised my voice, annoyed at how this man didn't understand how every aspect of control I had was slipping from my grip; my world was falling apart and I didn't have a clue at how to get it back in order. 

"Listen," He put his phone down, "I don't study everyone that walks into this shop. I'm sure your friend will turn up and if she doesn't, she probably just doesn't want to be found."

I gulped, my pounding heart stopped for a moment and a lump formed in the back of my throat. It felt as if everything went silent. 
Before it had always been me who Hunter would run to; she'd ask me to stay the night, get taxis to my national camp hotel or cling onto my jumper for hours so I wouldn't let her go. Normally I was the person she found comfort with; I seemed to be a piece of light for her. But now it was different.
Now it was me who she was running away from. Now it was me who searched for her when she didn't even want my comfort, she didn't look for me to hold onto or fall asleep next to. I wasn't enough anymore. In fact she did everything to get away from me and those things; she wouldn't talk to me, I knew she was keeping something from me but she'd beg me not to ask about it - I was scared. I was truly scared for her about so many things. 

I'd watched her eyes go from full of life to dead. I watched her body go from slim to gaunt. The words always spilled out of her mouth faster than before, but her thoughts seemed slower. Everything was good, life was golden as it had always been, but the alcohol made her believe that it wasn't. I prayed the alcohol doesn't take Hunter. I prayed the alcohol won't make her loose herself.
But in my eyes, much as I'd tried to run from the fact, I had already lost her; the girl I used to know. The girl I'd first fallen in love with on that pavement outside the club, with such an enigmatic mystery in her eyes, the mystery which had been stolen;  taken by the alcohol. She was gone, Hunter wasn't the person she used to be. I knew the drinks had changed her. I knew who Hunter was before, but I didn't know who she was now.
I wished I could take her pain away, tell her that life is better sober, I'd do anything for that, but I knew that she didn't know how to live a life like that anymore. A sober life. I didn't think Hunter had understood the concept in a long time.
I prayed the alcohol doesn't take her. But I saw it in her eyes; she was cold, alone and broken and felt good only because of the alcohol. I prayed to god that the addiction wouldn't take her. Physically Hunter was here, somewhere hopefully near, but mentally she was gone, if only I could help her find herself again.

But I knew the alcohol had taken control, it wasn't her talking anymore, it was the many empty bottles hiding in her top cabinet and under the sofa. It was also the many empty bottles she no longer had the care to hide as she no longer had the capacity to feel that shame or concern. It wasn't Hunter anymore. 
I loved who she was before but I didn't know if I could love this version of her. I couldn't love all of her, it wouldn't be justifiable nor right, because then I'd be loving what the addiction was doing to her. I'd be loving the addiction, the disease.
I prayed she will, one day, find a way out the pain she had succumbed to, but for now, I prayed the disease wouldn't take her more than it already has. 

"Hello?" it was now the man's turn to wave a hand in my face, "Have you any more questions or will you just stand there gawking?"

I furrowed my eyebrows, forgetting how to speak or even move until my phone began to ring. It was Wally. 

"Hello?" My mouth was dry, my heart stopped.

"I've found her," Lia managed to speak, though it sounded a struggle, "Please come Jill, it's not good."

A bottomless pit formed in my stomach as I felt my world crumble even further, I could barely hold the phone to my ear as my hands began to tremble uncontrollably, "Where are you?"

"In the pub next to the train station."

I closed my eyes for a stolen moment, one I knew I shouldn't have spared, "I'm coming."

"Hurry Jill, she won't even talk to me. Please," Lia sounded utterly defeated; there was no feeling comparable to realizing the person you'd fallen in love with, no longer exists.