Like Real People Do - Jill Roord

I'd Be An Awful Ghost

I didn't understand. "Is she already there?" I hoped, Jill loved me, I loved her; why wouldn't she be here with me? My heart was pounding as if I was seconds away from being dragged under the current and never making it to shore; to home. Maybe I wanted the waves to take me, but I knew I was fooling myself because she was on shore, my home and my safe haven; I couldn't drown, she wouldn't let me. 

"Hunter," Viv breathed, pulling into my driveway. 

I saw my car, the outline of its black exterior and there was another; it was white though I could not see the details nor who might have sat inside. But my heart skipped a beat, my shoulders felt lighter; Jill's car was white. It must have been her. I knew she wouldn't have left.
My hand grasped at the door handle and I stumbled out of the car, my mind wanting to run a lot faster than my body could; it was funny, I'd once been the fastest player in the league, the fastest player for Spain, but now I could barely even manage a few steps. 
My hands were on Jill's cars window, it was empty which meant she must've already been inside; maybe she was cooking Nana's infamous paella or doing another of those Dutch crosswords I couldn't understand but watched her the whole time anyway.

My fingers reached the front door but I paused as I heard Viv's breathless call. I turned around to see Viv standing there, Lisa a couple of steps behind, both of their faces had fallen; they were scaring me. What if something had happened? What if Jill wasn't okay?

But Jill was okay; this was her car, she must have been inside. That's why she'd told Lisa and Viv to drive me here. It all made sense. 

Viv's words were clear as they travelled through the rain, "She doesn't want to see you Hunter."

I looked to Lisa, Viv must have been playing a cruel joke, "What?" I felt like I'd been shot and there was this gaping hole in my chest, the floor beneath my feet was swallowing me whole as I felt myself fade. 

Lisa gulped, "She said she couldn't help you anymore."

"This is her car though?" I turned, pointing to the white car which I now realized was a BMW. Jill drove a Mercedes. It wasn't her. They were telling the truth.

The front door opened behind me, I spun around, tripping over my own feet but I was caught by a pair of strong arms. I looked up to see Leah.

"You're alright," she nodded with the slightest of smiles on her face, I was so used to seeing her strong and composed but now she looked helpless, she looked panicked, "You're going to be alright."

And that was all it took for me to break down and fall apart. My knees gave way and I crumbled onto the wet floor, my clothes were already soaked through and I trembled with each breath I tried to take. The air wouldn't reach my lungs, my throat was closing up. 
Leah's arms were still around me, she tried to gather me up and pull me inside but I refused to move. I just wanted to lie there forever until I turned into nothing, until this was all over. 

"Hunter, come inside," Leah pleaded, "It's freezing out here."

I shook my head, a sob escaped my throat as I looked up to the blue eyes of my loyal friend, "She hates me Le."

"What?" Leah furrowed her eyebrows.

"Jill hates me," The words felt like acid as I managed to spit them from my mouth.

Leah leaned down, "She doesn't hate you," Leah grabbed my hand, her eyes never left mine, "I promise that Jill doesn't hate you, she wants you to get better."

Leah was lying. Jill hated me and she had every right to do so, I should've seen this coming a long time ago but somehow my red eyes hadn't paid attention to all of the signs. Maybe if I'd just stopped for a moment, I'd have been able to save us but now that chance was gone and without Jill, I didn't see a point in ever getting better. Things would never be 'better' if she wasn't by my side.  

"Leah, we need to get her inside," Viv said.

"I know, I know," Leah sighed as she pulled me into her chest, holding me close like she'd done when we were only young and I was new to this country. Now I wished I'd never come because then maybe I'd have been able to avoid this pain. This was a hole I never wanted to find my way out of; now that I'd loved Jill, I couldn't forget. I could never unlove her because whatever was still left of my heart, lay in her hands. 

Soon Leah picked me up and brought me inside the house, laying me down on the sofa where I chose to ignore their questions and block out their voices. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be anywhere. All I wanted was to be gone. 
Hours could've passed me by where I was so numb that I thought about absolutely nothing. But even as I lay still, my head still spun and my throat burned from the tears and the drinks, though that pain could be ignored, it was much more difficult to block out the gaping wound in my chest, the hole which had once been home to my heart; that was back when my heart had belonged to me. 

I knew I should try to forget about her, try to move on with my life. But how could I ever forget someone who'd touched my soul with their bare hands and had fitted into my life like it had been their own?

I was still so sure that Jill should've been here, that she'd have never turned me away, that she'd have come to make sure I was alright. But as time passed and no one knocked on the door or rang the phone, I realized that Jill had already moved on from me, maybe she'd left a long time ago. I didn't blame her for that but I wished I hadn't hurt her, I wished I hadn't destroyed us because me and Jill was the only truly spectacular thing which had ever happened to me. She was the one person who made me feel alive, so beautifully and painfully alive, she was the person that I thought would never leave my side, but now I lay here after being turned away from her own home, when she was mine. 

There was a knock on the door, maybe it was Jill. I prayed she'd changed her mind. 

It was the first time I'd moved in hours, it was now well into the night but still the rain poured down on a solemn London, the city must've felt my anguish. Leah rushed to the door as I sat up, both Lisa and Viv held their breath. Seconds passed us by and still, I couldn't hear anything, but Jill was the only person who'd come; before when I'd call, or even just be in need, she'd always come without a question or single thought. I stood up, I couldn't even feel my feet touching the floor as I walked to the entryway and heard voices. 

My heart stopped. 

"Where is she? Where is she?" It was my sister; why had she come? Alexia wasn't ever meant to find out about this, I knew it would kill her. 

"It is fine Ale," Mapi tried to comfort her, I saw her lay a hand on Alexia's shoulder as I peeked round the corner, "We will find her."

"She's in the lounge," Leah whispered. 

"Oh, how is she? Is she okay?" I saw the tear stains which ran down my sister's cheeks, I was heavy with guilt. 

I stepped towards her, still not believing Alexia was here, but that was when her eyes caught in mine. That was when I realized my life was ruined. I was done. 

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it's difficult writing Hunter's perspective at the moment cause she'd be so disoriented and inebriated so I hope it comes across and I've written them well. :)